Children’s Stories: Wilfred the Wolf and the Teenage Pregnancy

Well those of you still interested in my quest to get a kid’s book published ought to know that the last one I was actually commissioned to do got turned down. They actually bloody asked me to do a pamphlet on the life cycle of the bedbug to put kid’s minds at ease and they didn’t like it. Apparently it wasn’t entirely factually correct, how do they know that? What sort of sad bastard actually studies bedbugs? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, in the mean time, with the news that plans are being implemented for kids as young as five to be taught sex education for some strange reason I thought I’d be the first to get on the bandwagon. I’ve sent this off to “parenting advice, education and development organisation” or “PAEDO” for short, and I’m kind of regretting it. They may turn me down again, just look at this story and tell me whether you think I’ve got a shot at getting this published.

Wilfred the wolf came into school on Monday and sat with his new girlfriend Chardonnay the slutty mongoose.
“Today” said Mr Talking Banana type thing “We’re going to learn about sex education”

But Wilfred wasn’t paying attention, he was too busy feeling up his girlfriend’s boobies under the table.

So Wilfred wasn’t listening when Mr banana type thing was explaining about the condom, the most important invention since the wheel.

After school; Wilfred and Chardonnay decided to go back to hers since her parents weren’t home.

Wilfred and Chardonnay said that they loved each other so much they would get in the same bed together and so they did.

And then they did something.

Wilfred didn’t call Chardonnay and avoided her at school for a week afterwards for some reason. He just played video games and boasted to his friends. Until one day…

…the phone rang and Wilfred went to answer it

“Hello?” said Wilfred.

“Hello” said chardonnay “You’ll never believe this but..I’m pregnant”

Wilfred didn’t know what to say.

He then got really sad and started drinking a drink that made him all cross.

And he cried himself to sleep every night.

Chardonnay went to Petey the penguin at the abortion clinic and had an abortion since she didn’t think she could raise a child with Wilfred.

But she ended up getting so unhappy that she hung herself.

Trying to cope with the pain, Wilfred turned to drug abuse to forget.

but then he overdosed and died.

The End!!!

Children’s Stories: The Life Cycle of The Bedbug

Well those of you who are following my efforts to get a kid’s book published should know that my last attempt which I called “The crow made out of feet” was sent off to a publisher….it came back with some extensive notes about it, particularly the ending. They were quite foul-mouthed for a kid’s books publisher. Anyway, you’re in luck though because I have actually been comissioned to write a book informing kids the real facts about bedbugs. We all know the rhyme “night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” well that’s apprantly been traumatising kids over the years which means they stay up all night screaming about something or other. So to set kid’s minds at rest, here is a Stuart guide to the life cycle of the bedbug

One night Henry the top hat wearing hippopotamus was putting his son Harold to bed.

“Night, night” said Henry “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite”.

“I won’t Daddy” said Harold and he slowly drifted off to sleep.

But little did Harold know that the bedbugs had started burrowing inside his flesh the second he got into bed.

They got inside his skin using a specially made flesh drill.

They lived inside Harold, laid their eggs and grew steadily in number.

Then one of the bedbugs found his heart and decided to tuck in.

Eating Harold’s heart made the bedbug grow big and strong.

Harold woke up in the morning and felt strange. His sides started hurting.

Then all of a sudden the tentacles of the bedbug growing inside of him started to burst out.

He tried to go to his parents for help but he was still changing.

Even by the time he reached his mummy and daddy’s room the bedbug was still growing and had begun to split his ribcage open.

“Ahh, its horrible” cried Hermione, Harold’s mother “Kill it!”

“Leave it to me” said Henry and drew his gun.

Henry fired at the monster.

So Harold the hideous bed-bug-hippopotamus mutant freak thing died; all because he had let the bedbugs bite.


What? Why are you looking at me like that?

…………….alright I’ve been inside doing revision all day and I’ve gone a bit weird, okay? That’s why.