METROBLOG: An opinion, a news story and the difference between the two

This major beef I have with papers at the moment isn’t in this case an example from the Metro (the paper this blog is about) its from the standard, but the Metro and pretty much all the papers are doing it at the moment, so I do have a reason to be bitching here. It was just the standard was the one that set me off this time.

So: when you’re covering a huge issue that’s split opinion on major issues, what you usually do in order to allow your readers to make an informed decision on which side they fall in an argument, what you’re supposed to do in the name of balance is you get experts involved. You get statisticians to gather all this information and research and do lots of work and put all this information into easily legible pie charts and graphs and facts and figures…..or in this case (and thousands of others); just ask random idiots from a business for a quote.scan0001Now, in my cynical eyes, this “news” article translates out as this:


….okay two seconds, just had a better idea for a parody article:

Yes, a boss of Marks and Spencer’s says the benefits system is too easy on youngsters and they’ll get the wrong idea and stay with it because its easy, that’s definitely a neutral perspective, they have such wonderful insight into the topic with all their experience of how the benefits system works. Which I’m not claiming to have either by the way, but I wasn’t given a full page article or asked by the House of Lords about my lack of understanding or empathy regarding people enduring the government’s miserable attempts to kick as many people off benefits whether they’re getting a job outside of it or not. Therefore I think I’m fully justified in having a rant at papers that think this story means anything or is an actual story and not just another person’s opinion. This article has no concrete facts in it like most of these articles don’t.

Also note how there’s no mention in this article of the unfair and incredibly dodgy unpaid overtime all Marks and Spencer’s staff are forced to “volunteer for”…..

…..oh slander is that? Well if you ask any Marks and Spencer’s entry level employees, they’ll tell you it isn’t.  Yeah, you have concerns for young people, don’t you? And what’s your solution?

…………………..yeah, no mention of that. They just wittered about it to the house of lords apparently. Again, taking an effective route to the heart of the problem there.

Seriously, if any of these businesspeople I keep seeing in papers talking about the massive unemployment problem don’t outright preface their opinion with: “Unpaid workfare placements and unpaid internships should not be a part of government employment statistics because its really not a job because no money or sustainable means of living is being offered,” then I don’t trust they have anyone except their own interests at heart. How does being a boss of M&S mean you have insight into why so many people stick with benefits? Here’s a suggestion: pay your employees for overtime, and pay people on workfare. I think lack of a sustainable living resource on offer is probably a bigger reason people stick with benefits rather than offer their souls to a corporation that can’t be arsed to pay them….oh you’re not going to mention that and just go on and on about how the system’s broken and people are lazy? Like everyone else who hasn’t been unemployed for at least two decades has been saying? Wow, I sure feel the full thrust of your insight here.

Either way: the standard, the metro, the mail, the express, the sun, all of them: you are not helping anyone by publicising the opinions on how to fix the unemployment situation given by people who have quite clearly been taxpayers for a long time and never had to go through the benefits system as it is. Just because someone’s in charge of a shop; that doesn’t mean they’re omniscient or have any degree more insight than you, me or any bastard you walk past in the street. M&S boss said that thing? Makes no difference. This should have just been some other letter on the opinion page. If you don’t have at least one pie chart; I’m not interested. Granted most pie charts on this subject use figures swayed by workfare being ruled as a job when it isn’t (stop openly lying, then I’ll start listening IDS,) but still, back yourself up with something; ANYTHING, or what you say means just as much as some idiot ranting on a blog.

Do some more research and get some empathy.

End of rant.

(Well aware of the hypocrisy by the way, its just this issue bugs the shit out of me.)

He Who Moans Review of Doctor Who: Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS


Yes I know a lot of this episode doesn’t really work but I fucking loved it, what of it?

He Who Moans: Doctor Who: Hide


A bit bland and uninspired by otherwise okay.

Stevie the Squirrel is Gay

They keep turning me down on grounds of taste, I think this one is more likely to convince them of my merit as a children’s author, and it also tackles important things in a child’s growth and emotional development. See what you think.



One Day when Stevie the Squirrel came into class he felt strange.

It all started when he saw Hagrid the phallic shaped wombat sat a few desks away from his.

He felt funny, but it was a nice sort of funny.

But he was probably looking at the wombat for too long, as people noticed.

When he was leaving school that afternoon, he was cornered by Lenny the Leopard, Carl the crow, and Randy the pit bull terrier that was bright purple and had a massive head for some reason.

“Stevie’s gay!!” shouted Lenny the Leopard “I saw him looking at that Wombat that looks like a willy!”

“So they started hitting Stevie very hard and whipping him with towels.

And then Randy the pit bull terrier jumped on Stevie and started hitting him with his abdomen.

And then Lenny the Leopard went wee wee on his face.

“Bet you homos love that!” said Lenny the Leopard, smiling.

Then the bullies went away and felt all funny about what they had just done.

Stevie sat there crying for a little bit.

Until Sandy the screamingly camp Pheasant came along.

“What is wrong little squirrel?” asked Sandy “were those bullies picking on you?”

“Sniff…they said I’m gay because I was looking at that wombat that looks like a willy” said Stevie “but I couldn’t help it”.

“Oh, its okay” said Sandy “if you’re gay, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to them, lots of people are gay and its no big deal”

“Really?” sniffed Stevie.

“Of course not” said Sandy “now lets go to a leather bar, it’ll be lots of fun”.

So Stevie and Sandy went to a leather bar with Hortence the Nympho kitten and Billy the sadomasochistic badger with a leather fetish who liked to be tied up and whipped.

The end!
Yes, I only drew this because I thought a badger in a leather gimp suit would be funny.

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.


“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”


But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.


“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.


So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.


“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.


“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.


“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.


But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.


“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.


Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.


“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.


“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.


“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.


Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.


They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.


They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.


“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.


“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.


“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.


“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.


“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.


But they were shocked at what they found.


They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.


“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.


There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.


And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.


And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.


Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.


They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.


And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….

Children’s Stories: Sally the Snake Deals With Some Bullies

Well, a few months gone by and continuous growth of my pile of rejection letters. Why, why can I not make it in the world of children’s publishing? I seriously don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I thought Wilfred the wolf and the teenage pregnancy was a shoe-in, but no apparently there are questions regarding taste.

Anyway, keeping with the idea to deal with issues relevant to children, I was inspired this year to write a children’s book about bullying after N-dubz were dropped from a governmental bullying campaign. Honestly, I would make a perfect representative for anti-bullying among kids, and now I’ve got the material to back it up. See what you think

1. front cover



It was sally the snake’s first day at school and she was really excited.

2. it was sally the snake's first day at school and she was really excited


But as they were getting to school, Sally’s parents had something to say that made her feel funny.

3. but as they were getting to school Sally's parents had something to say that made her feel funny


“Now sweetheart” said Daddy snake “You be careful! Some kids don’t like us snakes, don’t let anyone push you around”

4. now sweetheart said daddy snake you be careful, some kids don't like us snakes, dont let anyone push you around


“…um, okay”, said Sally, feeling nervous now.

5. um, okay, said Sally feeling nervous now


She went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom.

6. she went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom


“What are you meant to be?” asked Helen the horse “You don’t even have any limbs”.

7. what are you meant to be asked helen the horse you don't even have any limbs


“I bet she’s really stupid too” said Otis the owl. “My mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist. I bet she couldn’t even serve MacDonald’s since she’s so slimy”.

8. I bet she's really stupid too said otis the owl my mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist bet she couldn't even serve macdonalds since she's so slimy


“Now now class, settle down” said Mr talking banana type thing as he came in. “Lets begin” he said.

9. now now class settle down said mr talking banana type thing as he came in lets begin


But Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and Mr talking banana type thing didn’t even notice.

10. but Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and mr talking banana type thing didnt notice


She sat in the toilet crying for hours and didn’t want to go back to class because she didn’t have any hands to dry her eyes.

11. she sat in the toilet for hours crying and didn't want to go back to class because she didnt have any hands to dry her eyes


When she had finished crying, sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out.

12. when she had finished crying sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out


“There she is” said Otis “the weirdo, lets get her”.

13. there she is said otis the weirdo, lets get her


Fred the ferret pushed Sally’s face in the mud.

14. Fred the ferret pushed Sally's face in the mud


She was very upset and started crying when Otis the owl started pecking her head.

15. she was very upset and started crying when otis started pecking her head


“Crybaby!!” shouted Helen the horse.

16. crybaby shouted Helen the horse


Sally was very unhappy when Daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didn’t want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset.

17. sally was very unhappy when daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didnt want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset


Sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies. She knew what she would do tomorrow.

18. sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies she knew what she would do tomorrow


The next day she headed to the woodwork classroom.

19. the next day she headed to the head's office near the woodwork classroom


“Hey, wonder where that weirdo is,” said Otis the owl as class was about to start when all of a sudden, Sally came in.

20. hey wonder where that weirdo is said otis the owl as class was about to start when Sally came in


She had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked all cross.

21. she had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked angry


“…um…what is she doing with that?” asked Otis, but it was too late.

22. um what is she doing with that asked Otis, but it was too late


Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse.

23. Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse



Sally slithered over Helen’s corpse happily.

24. Sally slithered over Helen's corpse happily



“This is fun” said Sally as she took care of Otis

25. this is fun said sally as she took care of otis



and Fred the ferret.

26. and Fred the Ferret



But Derrick the cute innocent little duckling accidentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw.

27. but derrick the cute innocent little duckling accideentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw

Sally was shocked at what she had done.

28. Sally was shocked at what she had done
And she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison.

29. and she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison

30. end

The End!!!

seriously, this is getting ridiculous, why does no one want to publish me?

Children’s Stories: Wilfred the Wolf and the Teenage Pregnancy

Well those of you still interested in my quest to get a kid’s book published ought to know that the last one I was actually commissioned to do got turned down. They actually bloody asked me to do a pamphlet on the life cycle of the bedbug to put kid’s minds at ease and they didn’t like it. Apparently it wasn’t entirely factually correct, how do they know that? What sort of sad bastard actually studies bedbugs? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, in the mean time, with the news that plans are being implemented for kids as young as five to be taught sex education for some strange reason I thought I’d be the first to get on the bandwagon. I’ve sent this off to “parenting advice, education and development organisation” or “PAEDO” for short, and I’m kind of regretting it. They may turn me down again, just look at this story and tell me whether you think I’ve got a shot at getting this published.

Wilfred the wolf came into school on Monday and sat with his new girlfriend Chardonnay the slutty mongoose.
“Today” said Mr Talking Banana type thing “We’re going to learn about sex education”

But Wilfred wasn’t paying attention, he was too busy feeling up his girlfriend’s boobies under the table.

So Wilfred wasn’t listening when Mr banana type thing was explaining about the condom, the most important invention since the wheel.

After school; Wilfred and Chardonnay decided to go back to hers since her parents weren’t home.

Wilfred and Chardonnay said that they loved each other so much they would get in the same bed together and so they did.

And then they did something.

Wilfred didn’t call Chardonnay and avoided her at school for a week afterwards for some reason. He just played video games and boasted to his friends. Until one day…

…the phone rang and Wilfred went to answer it

“Hello?” said Wilfred.

“Hello” said chardonnay “You’ll never believe this but..I’m pregnant”

Wilfred didn’t know what to say.

He then got really sad and started drinking a drink that made him all cross.

And he cried himself to sleep every night.

Chardonnay went to Petey the penguin at the abortion clinic and had an abortion since she didn’t think she could raise a child with Wilfred.

But she ended up getting so unhappy that she hung herself.

Trying to cope with the pain, Wilfred turned to drug abuse to forget.

but then he overdosed and died.

The End!!!