METROBLOG: The story of Phil Morley and his headline grabbing predecessor

I have a super freaky memory for stuff that really doesn’t matter whatsoever. I can memorise entire episodes of Peep Show that I’ve only seen once or twice…but remember to take my lunch to work? Buy milk when I go shopping? Someone’s birthday? Nope, doesn’t register. This automatic sectioning off of my ability to remember important stuff meant I got average grades at A-level and ended up emotionally jaded against people that got into Cambridge and Oxford. I mean I wasn’t clever enough to get into Cambridge or Oxford but my grades would probably have significantly improved if I hadn’t had the theme from cult 90’s comedy show “The Mary Whitehouse Experience” playing continuously in my head during my English Literature exams.

This happens with news stories as well. The news is pretty much a well established set of stories with interlinking continuity that if you’re not caught up with it, you’re going to get lost. Its kind of like comic books having a massive multiverse that would make your head explode and take years to memorise all of it. Catching up takes time and so my brain sections it off and doesn’t bother with it. What’s up with the Syrian rebels at the moment? Why are there massive protests in Turkey? Why are people afraid of the new Iranian president? What is the reason people give for not really seeing North Korea as the serious nuclear threat it claims to be? What’s Vladimir Putin done recently that’s bound to have pissed people off? I don’t know, I can’t remember anything I’ve read about it and have no interest finding out the hows or whys. However when it comes to tiny insignificant stories that don’t really matter and are just printed for the light hearted fluff of it all; that I do remember. So when I see this:

scan0001

Which is talking about an NHS boss called Phil Morley making a cheesy cringy employee motivational video (which can be seen and laughed at in full here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW3kRj_MCv8 ) to get them to stay fit and healthy at work while dressed as Superman in a shallow desperate bid to say he’s filling his role and justifying his six figure salary, who they’re making out to be worse than Hitler in this story. When I see that then my question is, hang on a second, anyone remember this?

batman

Yeah, a few months back a guy brought a criminal to a police station dressed as Batman and I specifically remember that most news outlets, including the Metro thought this was all cute and quaint and admirable. I mean yeah it is different, a superhero is a masked vigilante turning in the criminals to the authorities and not some guy in an office making cheesy promotional videos, and yes this Phil Morley twat gets his pay from taxpayer money, but at the same time they’re both doing a job while dressed as superheroes, except one is paid quite a lot for it and one isn’t. It’s an interesting question of where you draw the line.

Admittedly the guy dressed as Batman wasn’t officially employed by the police to turn someone in and succeeded in his role as vigilante, while the NHS boss was…well being a twat and got paid taxpayer money for it. Same time though, vigilantism is technically not okay, as is being a twat, so who’s to say which is right and which is wrong?

Still, we’ve got two of the emergency services aided or annoyed by costumed heroes. The police and the health service; one police related superhero hailed as a decent member of society, one health related superhero completely backfired in his attempt to enthuse workforce morale. Now all we need is for the firemen to dress like the X men and people to go “meh, s’okay I guess” and we’ve got the complete spectrum of the good the bad and the just okay I suppose.

x-menaereboring
Alright, yes I will admit spending public money on the people making this dumb video is a talking point. Especially since the NHS is kind of stretched to its limit at the moment with regard to funding. Staff go without breaks, spending cuts across the board, there’s a lot of problems with the NHS at the moment and with a fairer system in place to ensure everyone gets a decent wage, then we’d have less reason to complain about shit like this wasting valuable resources. Yes I agree with all of that but I just find it hard to get pissed off at this like most people calling it an insult to the taxpayers that pay for the NHS rather than an insult to the workforce that are the real victims of NHS cuts as that’s really what affects the people receiving treatment.

Yes it is an insult to the workforce in terms of wasted time, money and effort. Its also an insult on grounds of “hey everyone! Why’re you so unenthusiastic at work! Let’s be superheroes!” Bosses trying to be motivational kind of always backfire for very simple reasons. I’ve been there myself when it comes to qualms with attempts at “morale boosting”. I used to work in customer service and am well versed in the mental middle fingers to people who think that the way to get someone to smile and be happy with their job is to just say “come on smile and be happy misery guts!” because that will make them smile. Really? I can smile? I thought I was supposed to look miserable. Thank you for enlightening me, just telling me to smile has made me so much happier. Ahh, let’s all pick flowers beneath a rainbow, everything’s alright now you’ve just said the words “cheer up you miserable git” its like you exude happiness from yourevery orifice.

Pointing out that someone is unhappy and unfit is not morale boosting, its openly going “NERNER!! I’M HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM IN LIFE AND YOU AREN’T!! NERNER!” I can totally sympathise if you are an NHS worker looking at this from that perspective.

Still though I really don’t think this NHS Superman video is much to kick off about. Especially with the excuse from people outside the miserable underpaid grind of the health service frontlines with “ooh public taxes” you do know that taxes get spent on a lot of really dumb shit, right? And I’m not just talking about the MP’s expenses, porn, moats, bird houses etc, there’s a lot of stuff being spent on by governments across the world that makes this look tiny by comparison.

This is a true story: in the US, five hundred and ninety two thousand dollars of state funding was given to this man

To study and find the answer as to why apes seem to have a pre-conceived compulsion to fling their shit at people………………….taxpayer funded study. Seriously, the guy’s dancing to Tony Christie while dressed as Superman. Calm the fuck down.

 

Stuart would like to note he is a UK taxpayer and also thinks this twat shouldn’t have got money for this. He just thought it was a talking point

 

On a completely unrelated note, I picked up the Standard recently and saw this advert for Game of Thrones:

spoiler…okay has the Metro’s twattish Game of Thrones spoilergate and then crying about people being mean to them about it given inspiration to the Game of Thrones marketing department? Or maybe it was a PR stunt organised between the Metro and the Game of Thrones marketing department. I’m off to send threatening emails and tweets to the Metro’s editors to find out more…

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Stevie the Squirrel is Gay

They keep turning me down on grounds of taste, I think this one is more likely to convince them of my merit as a children’s author, and it also tackles important things in a child’s growth and emotional development. See what you think.

 

 

One Day when Stevie the Squirrel came into class he felt strange.

It all started when he saw Hagrid the phallic shaped wombat sat a few desks away from his.

 
He felt funny, but it was a nice sort of funny.

 
But he was probably looking at the wombat for too long, as people noticed.

 
When he was leaving school that afternoon, he was cornered by Lenny the Leopard, Carl the crow, and Randy the pit bull terrier that was bright purple and had a massive head for some reason.

 
“Stevie’s gay!!” shouted Lenny the Leopard “I saw him looking at that Wombat that looks like a willy!”

 
“So they started hitting Stevie very hard and whipping him with towels.

 
And then Randy the pit bull terrier jumped on Stevie and started hitting him with his abdomen.

 
And then Lenny the Leopard went wee wee on his face.

 
“Bet you homos love that!” said Lenny the Leopard, smiling.

 
Then the bullies went away and felt all funny about what they had just done.

 
Stevie sat there crying for a little bit.

 
Until Sandy the screamingly camp Pheasant came along.

 
“What is wrong little squirrel?” asked Sandy “were those bullies picking on you?”

 
“Sniff…they said I’m gay because I was looking at that wombat that looks like a willy” said Stevie “but I couldn’t help it”.

 
“Oh, its okay” said Sandy “if you’re gay, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to them, lots of people are gay and its no big deal”

 
“Really?” sniffed Stevie.

 
“Of course not” said Sandy “now lets go to a leather bar, it’ll be lots of fun”.

 
So Stevie and Sandy went to a leather bar with Hortence the Nympho kitten and Billy the sadomasochistic badger with a leather fetish who liked to be tied up and whipped.

The end!
Yes, I only drew this because I thought a badger in a leather gimp suit would be funny.

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.

 

“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”

 

But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.

 

“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.

 

So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.

 

“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.

 

“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.

 

“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.

 

But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.

 

“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.

 

Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.

 

“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.

 

“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.

 

“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.

 

Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.

 

They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.

 

They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.

 

“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.

 

“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.

 

“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.

 

“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.

 

“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.

 

But they were shocked at what they found.

 

They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.

 

“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.

 

There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.

 

And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.

 

And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.

 

Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.

 

They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.

 

And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….

The Morning News: Spidercrabs, anyone?

So this morning I actually actively picked up a copy of the Metro. I didn’t just absent-mindedly grab it from someone’s seat on the Tube and start flicking through, no  , I actually picked it up from the stack they have in the station. I opened it to a random page because the pages were stuck together. I arrive at this image.

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gahh! Fuck! What the hell? If you can’t read it, because I’ve scanned it really tiny because I think there’s less chance I’ll get sued for copyright, its some piece about a spider crab that was rescued from being steamed as some freak’s dinner and is now in an aquarium or something….

Yeah I know, I don’t care either. Why? Because aside from freaks that actually keep pet tarantulas (seriously, people that do own tarantulas ought to be locked up without evidence, having a pet tarantula should be indication enough that you’re clearly a psychopath. Better now than before it’s too late… off topic) But yeah, who wants a whopping great picture of a spider crab waving itself in their faces at seven AM?

I’m not the type to complain with regards to taste. I am one of the people who says when people complain to Ofcom about tasteless programming “well watch something else then”, it is the same in this situation. “Well don’t read the Metro then Stuart”. However I’m complaining about this because its an instance of The Metro editors really not understanding their target audience.

The News is bleak. We know this. Watch any rolling news channel for long enough and you will want to cry until your body can’t produce tears anyone and has to use surplus piss and semen your body has leftover as moisture.

“HE KILLED EIGHTY SIX PEOPLE BEFORE SHOOTING HIMSELF” “WOMAN OF 23 WAS GANG RAPED ON HOLIDAY” “KILLER TERMITES NESTED IN ATTIC FOR YEARS, KILLED 8 CHILDREN” and stuff like that. By definition a newspaper has to include important stuff like this, but at seven in the morning, you need to talk down to people and get them feeling calm and relaxed and ready for work. When you’ve just woken up you can barely comprehend words that have more than one syllable. Morning Newspapers shouldn’t really be Newspapers, they should be visual hugs that make you feel like the day will actually be okay for a change. Appropriate reading material for the train should include Noddy and Spot the Dog but we’re all too embarrassed to admit that that’s what we’d prefer to be reading on our way to work.

A morning newspaper has to cater for grumpy people who’ve just woken up and have trouble digesting information on top of especially creepy crawly images like this one. It’s a common problem with The Metro; it seems to think people are interested in these things at seven AM. A couple of weeks ago there was a story about a drunk student who stir fried his roommate’s hamster, not content to chill sleepy grumpy bastards with something like that, they actually had a picture of the poor little squished hamster in the frying pan. You don’t do this to tired grumpy people about to go to work, you just don’t fucking do it. Midday maybe, after seven is fine, weekends are okay but not when you’re the only free available reading material there to comfort tired people about to go to work.

The ideal morning newspaper for depressed miserable commuters would include the obvious big news, the budget, death, politics etc because that’s what a newspaper is for, but ideally a morning newspaper would be peppered with about six or seven articles like this:

puppy

There, congrats, you’ve just made a miserable office worker feel a bit nicer on his way to work by thinking about cute little puppies. I mean obviously actual journalists would be more creative than this, this is just an example.

The Metro does do this occasionally and publishes cutesy nice stuff. In the next page after the Spider Crab thing they had this picture of a cute little hamster that got stuck in a pipe or something:

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D’aww, just look at his lickle face d’aww…

But what I’m saying is to market well to your chosen demographic: tired grumpy commuters, what you really should be doing is filtering out anything that will make them feel more alone and miserable and make their skin crawl, and say change your name to “The Everything’s Alright” and publish a daily newspaper consisting of nice bits of news instead. I guarantee you will get much more respect from commuters in the long run. A lady somewhere is organizing a bake sale for the Girl Guides, a blind kid has been given a Seeing Eye dog for his birthday, stuff like that.

Not this Spider Crab shit cause I’ve no idea who the hell wants that on their way to work.

Children’s Stories: Sally the Snake Deals With Some Bullies

Well, a few months gone by and continuous growth of my pile of rejection letters. Why, why can I not make it in the world of children’s publishing? I seriously don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I thought Wilfred the wolf and the teenage pregnancy was a shoe-in, but no apparently there are questions regarding taste.

Anyway, keeping with the idea to deal with issues relevant to children, I was inspired this year to write a children’s book about bullying after N-dubz were dropped from a governmental bullying campaign. Honestly, I would make a perfect representative for anti-bullying among kids, and now I’ve got the material to back it up. See what you think

1. front cover

 

 

It was sally the snake’s first day at school and she was really excited.

2. it was sally the snake's first day at school and she was really excited

 

But as they were getting to school, Sally’s parents had something to say that made her feel funny.

3. but as they were getting to school Sally's parents had something to say that made her feel funny

 

“Now sweetheart” said Daddy snake “You be careful! Some kids don’t like us snakes, don’t let anyone push you around”

4. now sweetheart said daddy snake you be careful, some kids don't like us snakes, dont let anyone push you around

 

“…um, okay”, said Sally, feeling nervous now.

5. um, okay, said Sally feeling nervous now

 

She went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom.

6. she went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom

 

“What are you meant to be?” asked Helen the horse “You don’t even have any limbs”.

7. what are you meant to be asked helen the horse you don't even have any limbs

 

“I bet she’s really stupid too” said Otis the owl. “My mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist. I bet she couldn’t even serve MacDonald’s since she’s so slimy”.

8. I bet she's really stupid too said otis the owl my mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist bet she couldn't even serve macdonalds since she's so slimy

 

“Now now class, settle down” said Mr talking banana type thing as he came in. “Lets begin” he said.

9. now now class settle down said mr talking banana type thing as he came in lets begin

 

But Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and Mr talking banana type thing didn’t even notice.

10. but Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and mr talking banana type thing didnt notice

 

She sat in the toilet crying for hours and didn’t want to go back to class because she didn’t have any hands to dry her eyes.

11. she sat in the toilet for hours crying and didn't want to go back to class because she didnt have any hands to dry her eyes

 

When she had finished crying, sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out.

12. when she had finished crying sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out

 

“There she is” said Otis “the weirdo, lets get her”.

13. there she is said otis the weirdo, lets get her

 

Fred the ferret pushed Sally’s face in the mud.

14. Fred the ferret pushed Sally's face in the mud

 

She was very upset and started crying when Otis the owl started pecking her head.

15. she was very upset and started crying when otis started pecking her head

 

“Crybaby!!” shouted Helen the horse.

16. crybaby shouted Helen the horse

 

Sally was very unhappy when Daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didn’t want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset.

17. sally was very unhappy when daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didnt want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset

 

Sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies. She knew what she would do tomorrow.

18. sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies she knew what she would do tomorrow

 

The next day she headed to the woodwork classroom.

19. the next day she headed to the head's office near the woodwork classroom

 

“Hey, wonder where that weirdo is,” said Otis the owl as class was about to start when all of a sudden, Sally came in.

20. hey wonder where that weirdo is said otis the owl as class was about to start when Sally came in

 

She had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked all cross.

21. she had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked angry

 

“…um…what is she doing with that?” asked Otis, but it was too late.

22. um what is she doing with that asked Otis, but it was too late

 

Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse.

23. Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse

 

 

Sally slithered over Helen’s corpse happily.

24. Sally slithered over Helen's corpse happily

 

 

“This is fun” said Sally as she took care of Otis

25. this is fun said sally as she took care of otis

 

 

and Fred the ferret.

26. and Fred the Ferret

 

 

But Derrick the cute innocent little duckling accidentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw.

27. but derrick the cute innocent little duckling accideentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw

 
Sally was shocked at what she had done.

28. Sally was shocked at what she had done
And she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison.

29. and she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison

30. end

The End!!!

seriously, this is getting ridiculous, why does no one want to publish me?

Children’s Stories: Wilfred the Wolf and the Teenage Pregnancy

Well those of you still interested in my quest to get a kid’s book published ought to know that the last one I was actually commissioned to do got turned down. They actually bloody asked me to do a pamphlet on the life cycle of the bedbug to put kid’s minds at ease and they didn’t like it. Apparently it wasn’t entirely factually correct, how do they know that? What sort of sad bastard actually studies bedbugs? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, in the mean time, with the news that plans are being implemented for kids as young as five to be taught sex education for some strange reason I thought I’d be the first to get on the bandwagon. I’ve sent this off to “parenting advice, education and development organisation” or “PAEDO” for short, and I’m kind of regretting it. They may turn me down again, just look at this story and tell me whether you think I’ve got a shot at getting this published.

Wilfred the wolf came into school on Monday and sat with his new girlfriend Chardonnay the slutty mongoose.
“Today” said Mr Talking Banana type thing “We’re going to learn about sex education”


But Wilfred wasn’t paying attention, he was too busy feeling up his girlfriend’s boobies under the table.


So Wilfred wasn’t listening when Mr banana type thing was explaining about the condom, the most important invention since the wheel.


After school; Wilfred and Chardonnay decided to go back to hers since her parents weren’t home.


Wilfred and Chardonnay said that they loved each other so much they would get in the same bed together and so they did.


And then they did something.


Wilfred didn’t call Chardonnay and avoided her at school for a week afterwards for some reason. He just played video games and boasted to his friends. Until one day…


…the phone rang and Wilfred went to answer it


“Hello?” said Wilfred.


“Hello” said chardonnay “You’ll never believe this but..I’m pregnant”


Wilfred didn’t know what to say.


He then got really sad and started drinking a drink that made him all cross.


And he cried himself to sleep every night.


Chardonnay went to Petey the penguin at the abortion clinic and had an abortion since she didn’t think she could raise a child with Wilfred.


But she ended up getting so unhappy that she hung herself.


Trying to cope with the pain, Wilfred turned to drug abuse to forget.


but then he overdosed and died.

The End!!!

Children’s Stories: The Life Cycle of The Bedbug

Well those of you who are following my efforts to get a kid’s book published should know that my last attempt which I called “The crow made out of feet” was sent off to a publisher….it came back with some extensive notes about it, particularly the ending. They were quite foul-mouthed for a kid’s books publisher. Anyway, you’re in luck though because I have actually been comissioned to write a book informing kids the real facts about bedbugs. We all know the rhyme “night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” well that’s apprantly been traumatising kids over the years which means they stay up all night screaming about something or other. So to set kid’s minds at rest, here is a Stuart guide to the life cycle of the bedbug

One night Henry the top hat wearing hippopotamus was putting his son Harold to bed.

“Night, night” said Henry “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite”.

“I won’t Daddy” said Harold and he slowly drifted off to sleep.

But little did Harold know that the bedbugs had started burrowing inside his flesh the second he got into bed.

They got inside his skin using a specially made flesh drill.

They lived inside Harold, laid their eggs and grew steadily in number.

Then one of the bedbugs found his heart and decided to tuck in.

Eating Harold’s heart made the bedbug grow big and strong.

Harold woke up in the morning and felt strange. His sides started hurting.

Then all of a sudden the tentacles of the bedbug growing inside of him started to burst out.

He tried to go to his parents for help but he was still changing.

Even by the time he reached his mummy and daddy’s room the bedbug was still growing and had begun to split his ribcage open.

“Ahh, its horrible” cried Hermione, Harold’s mother “Kill it!”

“Leave it to me” said Henry and drew his gun.

Henry fired at the monster.

So Harold the hideous bed-bug-hippopotamus mutant freak thing died; all because he had let the bedbugs bite.

THE END!!!

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

…………….alright I’ve been inside doing revision all day and I’ve gone a bit weird, okay? That’s why.