Stevie the Squirrel is Gay

They keep turning me down on grounds of taste, I think this one is more likely to convince them of my merit as a children’s author, and it also tackles important things in a child’s growth and emotional development. See what you think.

 

 

One Day when Stevie the Squirrel came into class he felt strange.

It all started when he saw Hagrid the phallic shaped wombat sat a few desks away from his.

 
He felt funny, but it was a nice sort of funny.

 
But he was probably looking at the wombat for too long, as people noticed.

 
When he was leaving school that afternoon, he was cornered by Lenny the Leopard, Carl the crow, and Randy the pit bull terrier that was bright purple and had a massive head for some reason.

 
“Stevie’s gay!!” shouted Lenny the Leopard “I saw him looking at that Wombat that looks like a willy!”

 
“So they started hitting Stevie very hard and whipping him with towels.

 
And then Randy the pit bull terrier jumped on Stevie and started hitting him with his abdomen.

 
And then Lenny the Leopard went wee wee on his face.

 
“Bet you homos love that!” said Lenny the Leopard, smiling.

 
Then the bullies went away and felt all funny about what they had just done.

 
Stevie sat there crying for a little bit.

 
Until Sandy the screamingly camp Pheasant came along.

 
“What is wrong little squirrel?” asked Sandy “were those bullies picking on you?”

 
“Sniff…they said I’m gay because I was looking at that wombat that looks like a willy” said Stevie “but I couldn’t help it”.

 
“Oh, its okay” said Sandy “if you’re gay, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to them, lots of people are gay and its no big deal”

 
“Really?” sniffed Stevie.

 
“Of course not” said Sandy “now lets go to a leather bar, it’ll be lots of fun”.

 
So Stevie and Sandy went to a leather bar with Hortence the Nympho kitten and Billy the sadomasochistic badger with a leather fetish who liked to be tied up and whipped.

The end!
Yes, I only drew this because I thought a badger in a leather gimp suit would be funny.
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Staring into Justin Bieber’s Arse: Celebrity Gossip and the News

Currently a long way off from the eventual position in his tale of rise to fame and fall to wanking off international businessmen for pennies in alleyways (don’t kid yourselves, that’s where he’s headed), Justin Bieber is all over the press at the moment having a very public mid-life crisis.

The paper I read on the way to work in the morning, The Metro, was one of probably all the papers to print snapshots of Justin Bieber’s arse as he was prepared for a strip-search at an airport. I’m not going to print the picture here because unlike the editors of the Metro; I understand that my target audience doesn’t want to see Justin Bieber’s arse at the best of times let alone the worst of times, like say the morning commute to work or when a loved one’s died of thrombosis.

However people do give a shit that Justin Bieber’s arse is displayed prominently for us to gawp at. There must be call for it because it’s there. Surely that’s how it works?

Someone saw Justin Bieber’s arse and thought: “If I take a picture of this, I could sell that picture to every single media outlet in the world. Just think, Justin Bieber’s arse will make me money. When I’m sat down to dinner with the wife and kids, I will literally be eating on Justin Bieber’s arse”.

……I’m very sorry for that mental image.

The question is how much do people really care? You’re still going to end up reading the paper whether Justin Bieber’s arse and other wank about celebrities is printed in it or not. Celebrity gossip magazines cater for people that gasp “ermegerd! Nicki Minaj ate a sandwich!” or “WTF? Kate Moss has a weird pimple on her bum!” Why is it printed in a newspaper?

Well a newspaper is there to cater for not just news, but a plethora of daily activities the reader might be interested in; TV, relationships, sport etc. It’s all based on speculation as to what their target audience will find compelling enough to direct their eyeballs at for thirty seconds. As I just said though, people that care when a celebrity gets their bum out are already catered for by specific publications and would probably rather spend their time with what they believe are more important things than reading a newspaper. Like eating snails, farting and stuff like that, I don’t know what people that don’t read newspapers do.

What I’m basically saying is that Paparazzism and newspapers don’t really mix. I am all for newspapers talking about shit that doesn’t really matter as opposed to depressing you, like say printing an article about a puppy getting stuck in an air vent over some Middle Eastern peace treaty. However a publication mixing celebrity gossip with actually important bits of news doesn’t really work logically.

Is it in aid of making people who don’t care about the news aware that important shit is happening whether they care or not as they’re flicking through to the juicy bits? Or maybe it’s the other way around, maybe it’s trying to make me, a man who really doesn’t give a shit what celebrities do in their spare time aware of what they do for reasons that currently elude me. There must be a reason these two completely unrelated areas are mixed together in Newspapers without any attention paid to news and celebrities being two separate areas of interest.

lindseylohan

Maybe it matters just as much that I, a person that cares about news, sees unimportant celebrity gossip as someone who doesn’t care about news sees the news alongside the celebrity gossip. Maybe it’s there to foster harmony between those that care about news and those that care about celebrities because these two things really are polar opposites. Maybe it’s all in aid of helping us all get along…

…or maybe its because newspaper editors are vapid cretins who just see Justin Bieber’s arse and think “people are fucking retards, of course they want to see famous people’s backsides”…that’s probably it.

So what have learnt from Justin Bieber’s arse? That whoever published the thing you’re reading thinks you’re stupid. Justin Bieber might as well have painted the words “DERP DI DERP” on his underwear. Then the message would have been clear and I wouldn’t have bothered writing this.

Have a nice day.

 

Breaking News: Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water!

Okay, I don’t want this blog to mutate into consistent bitterness and smugness because that’s what you expect of me and it’s what I’m generally known for. I want to be seen as encouraging. And today’s “Metro in Focus” article was encouraging. For those unaware, the “Metro in Focus” page spread usually discusses social issues and uses some very shaky statistics to back up their opinions without proper citations so you know what they’re saying is correct. For a very basic example, here’s one from last week which I forgot was still by my desk and I hadn’t chucked out yet.

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Women in the workplace and sexual bias, specifically in the Indian job market, yeah, big issue, effects loads of people, good, important, and interesting. Lots of pie charts and official respectable looking fact stuff. Usually this page spread is dedicated to issues felt by normal regular life-having people. Relationships, sex, girly emotions and stuff that as a sociopathic emotional retard I can’t understand. Today’s issue of Metro Focus was less important to say the least.

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….it’s about Mario’s brother Luigi. As in Mario and Luigi from the video games about a duo of Italian plumbers that save a princess who’s been kidnapped by a spiked turtle named Bowser in a kingdom of Mushrooms. The writer of this article uses facts about Luigi’s involvement in the Mario franchise to draw parallels between Luigi and relations between siblings in the real world. At no point in the publication of this morning’s Metro did anyone look at each other and go “wait a second, we’re actually seriously discussing the social aspects of Luigi…the brother of the guy that jumps on turtles in a video game? Why the fuck are we dedicating a two page spread to this?”

I especially love one of the thought bubble quotes used here. Usually they say things like “over 80% of women feel that men are stupid heads” or “at least 90% of men think their penis is a magic wand”. Whereas in the case of a special report about Luigi, the brother of Super Mario, one of their thinking points is:

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….extra! extra! Luigi stuck it in princess Daisy! Fictional character produced by computer graphics has sex with other fictional character produced by computer graphics! Metro Focus!

Contrary to how sarcastically I’m taking this unnecessary bit of fluff, I’m overjoyed that “The Metro” writers understand how not ready morning commuters are to face big burning questions about relationships, sexuality and discrimination that Metro Focus usually talks about. The Metro would be much more enjoyable if its news topics were about fictional characters:

jackandjill

Or maybe:

three blindmice

Or something more inventive. I’m thinking of writing to The Metro and suggesting they turn next week’s worth of papers into a fantasy serial about talking dolphins. Anything but this serious news shit they keep insisting on every day of the bloody week.

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.

 

“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”

 

But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.

 

“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.

 

So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.

 

“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.

 

“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.

 

“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.

 

But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.

 

“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.

 

Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.

 

“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.

 

“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.

 

“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.

 

Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.

 

They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.

 

They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.

 

“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.

 

“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.

 

“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.

 

“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.

 

“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.

 

But they were shocked at what they found.

 

They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.

 

“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.

 

There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.

 

And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.

 

And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.

 

Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.

 

They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.

 

And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….