The Metro hasn’t printed anything stupid so far this week so all I’ve really got to do is dig into my pile of random points to make about newspapers in general – personal ads.
In case you’re blissfully unaware; personal adverts are like regular adverts but they’re selling human beings to have someone come and fill the empty void in their soul because hell, I may have let all my hopes and dreams die and fester in a tear filled pit at the centre of my soul, but maybe sex with someone aided by a newspaper column will help. Of course we don’t try and make these come across in the papers as depressing as what they are under the surface, no, newspapers are happy and smiley and soooo romantic about it.
This version of the personal ad is missing something kind of important though. Any chance whatsoever of there being a happy ending as a result of it. They’re titbits of romantic gossip; half ended stories about people eyeing each other up on the train because how the hell are people going to know who they’re talking about? There are no details included except vague hints as in “guy in denim” “was wearing sunglasses”.
I know it’s similar to the Valentine’s Day card being anonymous, but I have similar issues with how the hell people think that sending it and being anonymous will do anything to enhance their chances. Yes you may be shy, but how the hell is anything supposed to happen this way? Why would you waste time texting or emailing in to something with little to no chance of result? “well maybe” No! There is no chance of it working, stop deluding yourself.
Okay, let’s say that you take the same train every day during rush hour, are you always in the same carriage? Is everyone in the carriage in the same carriage as always? If so, then why the hell will the girl you like (if she’s there) know that it was you who wrote into the rush hour crush column yesterday and described yourself as “Sunglasses guy”?
You’d have to hope against hope that rush hour crush printed your rush hour crush AND that the object of your crush was reading it that day and didn’t forget about it when she got to work (an absolute certainty) AND be in the same carriage and on the same train AND you’d also have to wear sunglasses every day until she realises it was you and risk looking weird when its pissing it down or grey skied like it usually is.
I mean yes, the idea of putting contact details in a personal ad to make this column actually be productive is a rather difficult idea to approach. If you posted any way to get in touch you’d get people ringing up all hour of the day and night claiming to be her, or if you’re evil like me ringing up at 4AM saying things like “I’m watching you” or “your pet cat was tasty, how’s about a bite to eat?” stuff like that.
My issue is that if you want any chance of this rush hour crush section somehow aiding your desperate bid to get talking to the object of your crush, you need to make it more obvious that it’s you that they should be speaking to. Make an effort. Something like this:
Make it obvious its you, otherwise you’ve got no chance.
I don’t actually think these letters are real anyway. They were probably made up by Metro editors as tiny romantic fantasy stories to get some commuters thinking about the romantic delusion of meeting their “one” on the commute. Delusion being the operative word here.
Now, unromantic is a word that’s been used to describe me and yes I have a very poor sense of what is and isn’t romantic. However the concept of two people getting together on the tube or an over ground train is even less likely to me than a chartroom or dating site actually succeeding and not setting someone up with an attractive 24 year old physiotherapist who turns out to be a 47 year old builder called Dave from Kent who has a strange collection of little baby sized shoes.
I’m on the train during rush hour everyday and any time I’ve actually glanced over the carriage I’m in and away from my book, no one has been eying anyone up. Everyone’s either on a kindle, an iphone, a laptop, has book in hand or is staring out of the window looking miserable. If you’ve ever tried to spot someone eying someone up, if you actually found someone doing it then chances are they’re someone else doing this exact same test to see if they can spot a rush hour crush is progress.
If you’re gonna go with the vague conceit that people actually do find their one true love on their commute in the fifteen to twenty minutes you have with them in a carriage as an interesting story for people to lose themselves in, why stick to love stories? I’m up for a more imaginative personal ad section. Change the genres occasionally. One week we have romance personal ads, next week we could have sci-fi or horror personal ads? They’re all stories here, who cares what’s real and what isn’t?
Stubagful 