An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 7

In this chapter, Ana has Christian’s backstory reiterated to her for the five hundredth fucking time and acts as though its the first time she’s heard it…seriously I doubt E.L. James read her work back once.

Plot and characters (??CITATION NEEDED??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L James (Random House)

Music:

Spawn the animated series theme by Shirley Williams
A Nightmare on Elm Street Theme (New Line Cinema)
The Shining music (Warner)

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An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 6

This week’s installment of stickpeople fucking and a long haired man shouting about how awfully written it is comes with NEW STUFF! STUFF THAT HAS NEVER BEEN PUT IN ONE OF THESE VIDEOS BEFORE…..no really E.L James seems to think she can get away with copying and pasting sex scenes by inserting the words “this is new its never been like this”

…this is a new video description that you are reading, never been written before.

Plot and characters (??CITATION NEEDED??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L James (Random House)

Music:
Spawn the animated series theme by Shirley Williams
A Nightmare on Elm Street Theme (New Line Cinema)
The Shining music (Warner)
Music cue from “The Chimes of Midnight” (Bigfinish)
Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Nothing/Interscope)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 5

In this chapter, we get introduced to our plot (no really, it does have one, I’m not shitting you) and holy Christ is it inappropriate for a porn series about a ditzy girl getting spanked by her arsehole boyfriend.

NOT MINE:

The plot and characters (??CITATION NEEDED??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L. James (Random House)
Music/Other stuff:
Spawn Animated Series Theme by Shirley Walker (HBO)
The Shining music (Warner)
Stripped, Raped and Strangled by Cannibal Corpse (Metal Blade)
Whoever owns dramatic squirrel
Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Nothing/Interscope)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 4

includes the out and out DUMBEST SEX SCENE EVER WRITTEN

…also includes a character slashing their wrists………….cause y’know, sexy romantic love story

NOT MINE:
Plot and characters (??CITATION NEEDED??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L. James (Random House)

Music:
Spawn Animated Series Theme by Shirley Walker (HBO)
The Shining music (Warner)
Music from Zygon: When Being You just isn’t enough (BBV)
Clip from Zack and Miri make a porno (The Weinstein Company)
Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Nothing/Interscope)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 3

In this chapter: Spontaneous combustion, a ghost and a character inspired by Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide!!! ……you think I’m joking, but this book just got trippy

Music:
Spawn Animated Series Theme by Shirley Walker (HBO)
The Shining music (Warner)
I’m Gonna Love you Just a Little Bit More Baby by Barry White (20th Century Records)
Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Nothing/Interscope)

Other casting ideas for Christian in the Fifty Shades of Grey movies

There’s been a huge uproar in the fan base of this awful franchise that Fifty Shades has somehow managed to retain since people outside its demographic actually started reading it and seeing it for the dangerous endorsement of abusive relationships and terrible writing that is is, over who should play Christian Grey in the movie adaptation currently in the works.

First choice announced was Charlie Hunnam who the fanbase didn’t approve of. I can see why, he’s an English actor who can’t do an American accent for shit. Then again he has a history of playing lecherous scumbags so it does fit with the role quite well. But he dropped out citing he wants to spend more time on TV roles and with his family…allegedly. My guess is he was flattered at first being offered the role of sexy Christian Grey who all the ladies fawn over…then he actually picked up the book and read it.  The same process the media has been going through since people started saying its good for feminism. Its important to actually read something before you start talking about its “message”.

Allegedly almost every big name Hollywood actor they’ve approached turned it down. When the rights were sold every actor wanted a piece of it because it would stroke their egos to see how sexy they apparently are. Now, none of them want to do it because they’ve read it and realised how poorly written it is and is probably going to be the next laughably bad Hollywood failure. So the first actor to say yes was someone off a kind of popular TV show. Now who’s their backup choice? A former Calvin Klein model who was in a BBC mini series once….wow, sure feel some star power attached to this thing.

So in case there’s going to be another backlash and last minute cast change and he’ll end up making a statement that he chose to leave and wasn’t pushed, I thought I’d offer my two cents on other potential casting choices for Christian Grey.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS FOR CASTING CHRISTIAN GREY

MOSS

Moss is such an underrated piece of vegetation. It can survive and grow pretty much anywhere. So whether this movie flops or not, you can be guaranteed that moss will survive and flourish regardless. So when this film inevitably becomes a box office failure because they took too long and Fifty Shades fell out of favour in popular culture and they’re now rushing it and having last minute casting problems, moss will carry on and keep up the good work of growing on rocks and starring in endless weepy soap operas. That and you’ve got to admit its absolutely gorgeous and appeals to all sorts of people. Whatever your type, Moss will satisfy your needs.

THIS PILE  OF BRICKS

 This Pile of Bricks has been acting since the very beginning. From when Jesus was doing magic tricks for easily impressed people with green skin conditions to when Shakespeare wrote the Tempest, a pile of bricks has always been there giving its all. Its last role was a heartfelt performance as Lois Lane in Man of Steel. Honestly when I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey I could definitely see this pile of bricks delivering such beautiful lines like “because I’m fifty Shades of fucked up Anastasia” and “you’ve disarmed me Anastasia, with your innocence”. Try reading some of these lines and not seeing them delivered by a pile of housing material. Deep.

THIS DRAWING OF A SNAIL THAT I DID

snail

He may be young, in fact since I only drew him 30 seconds ago, he’s definitely too young for this role, but he’s a fun little guy with a big heart. That may sound a bit strange a choice for casting Christian Grey but just because this drawing of a snail I did isn’t personally true to the character of Christian that doesn’t mean he can’t portray the part. He’s also very clever and could easily grasp the mindset of such a warped character. Not to mention; this drawing of a snail I did has the sex appeal akin to Christian Grey. He’s sexier than a carpet but not too sexy like a stapler, he’s just in the middle so he’ll fit realistically into this role.

THE GUY THAT PLAYED ROD IN BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR.

Come on ladies, you know this one makes perfect sense.

An Out of Context Review of The Profit (The banned Scientology Movie)

The Profit was one of few movies banned in the land of the free. It was banned because it allegedly tells the story of Scientology in a less than flattering light. I say allegedly because they did a find and replace on the names at last minute. Watch it with me and see if it really was a threat to Scientology.

NOT MINE:
Pink Room by Angelo Badamalenti (Warner Bros)
The Profit is owned by the Human Rights Cinema Society
Clip from South Park Episode “Trapped in the Closet” (Comedy Central)
Macdonald’s 1973 Instore Training video (Macdonalds)
Money by The Flying Lizards (Virgin)
Brief clip from “Carrie” (United Arts (MGM))
“Gimme Some Money” by Spinal Tap (Polydor)
SOME PICTURES