Well those of you who are following my efforts to get a kid’s book published should know that my last attempt which I called “The crow made out of feet” was sent off to a publisher….it came back with some extensive notes about it, particularly the ending. They were quite foul-mouthed for a kid’s books publisher. Anyway, you’re in luck though because I have actually been comissioned to write a book informing kids the real facts about bedbugs. We all know the rhyme “night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” well that’s apprantly been traumatising kids over the years which means they stay up all night screaming about something or other. So to set kid’s minds at rest, here is a Stuart guide to the life cycle of the bedbug
One night Henry the top hat wearing hippopotamus was putting his son Harold to bed.
“Night, night” said Henry “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite”.
“I won’t Daddy” said Harold and he slowly drifted off to sleep.
But little did Harold know that the bedbugs had started burrowing inside his flesh the second he got into bed.
They got inside his skin using a specially made flesh drill.
They lived inside Harold, laid their eggs and grew steadily in number.
Then one of the bedbugs found his heart and decided to tuck in.
Eating Harold’s heart made the bedbug grow big and strong.
Harold woke up in the morning and felt strange. His sides started hurting.
Then all of a sudden the tentacles of the bedbug growing inside of him started to burst out.
He tried to go to his parents for help but he was still changing.
Even by the time he reached his mummy and daddy’s room the bedbug was still growing and had begun to split his ribcage open.
“Ahh, its horrible” cried Hermione, Harold’s mother “Kill it!”
“Leave it to me” said Henry and drew his gun.
Henry fired at the monster.
So Harold the hideous bed-bug-hippopotamus mutant freak thing died; all because he had let the bedbugs bite.
What? Why are you looking at me like that?
…………….alright I’ve been inside doing revision all day and I’ve gone a bit weird, okay? That’s why.