METROBLOG: The Metro Game of Thrones Spoiler follow up: Insulting your demographic

So yeah, apparently I wasn’t the only one really annoyed about the Game of Thrones spoiler in the Metro yesterday. I spent a lot of last night twitter and facebook stalking their editors and writers who were getting quite a lot of death threats (strangely none of which were from me and I only had a look because I thought it would be funny). So naturally I picked up the Metro this morning to see what their response would be:

scan0003….taking the high road obviously.

Y’know what’s a terrible strategy for a newspaper to employ? Going out of its way to actively insult their readers on their front page. Bravo. You receive the slow clap of complete fucking dickishness……….*clap*…………..*clap*……………*cl*

Yeah we’re moaning but we didn’t “accuse” you of giving away the ending to people who hadn’t seen it you “did” give the ending away for people who hadn’t seen it otherwise people wouldn’t be saying “you gave away the ending for me when I hadn’t seen it” that’s kind of how this works guys…you dicks.

They also published a parody article thing about the supposedly “hysterical” idea of spoilers akin to what I do. Here’s a picture


……..You dicks. You complete dicks….yes I reprinted it for the purposes of criticism and review, this is a valid criticism. You dicks.

You may call double standards because I write dickish parody newspaper articles akin to this and I’m just moaning because its contrary to my opinion but…well yeah just that. This twist wasn’t as obvious as “Sean Bean dies in everything he’s in” not everyone knew it or saw it coming whereas Sean Bean is the one that dies is obvious because there’s a predecent for it. This episode came out the other day and not everyone is caught up with the books. This pisstake article doesn’t work because its not even a similar line of logic. What I do is take a similar line of logic and take it to the most ridiculous of logical extremes…which is kind of what the original article this is based on did so think of this as parody in reverse.

If you read the article response the Metro put out accompanying this, which is actually available here:

It will probably make you want to fling a fistful of dog poo at the Metro editors because its a smarmy load of arse that anyone with two braincells could pick holes in in a matter of seconds but by all means read it. They’re also choosing their words extra smarmily on this one because they want to make themselves look like they already have the high ground when they’re just coming across as utterly smug. You didn’t “reveal the ending to something that had already been broadcast” you ambushed people with it. If it had been a smaller article in the middle, then we could say you revealed it, this was an ambush. We would have accepted an apology but no, you had to be a dick.

The line given is “in the digital age you’re only a few clicks away from spoilers anyway” you are not the internet Metro, you have an internet strand, a website, but this is a newspaper. By nature, people don’t know what they’re going to get. You’ll only stumble on spoilers 1 click away if you type into google “WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LATEST EPISODE OF GAME OF THRONES” you don’t need to do a whole lot to avoid spoilers on a TV show, this is not a justification. No one knew you’d be talking about the other night’s Game of Thrones right the fuck out of nowhere on page 3.

And I see what some people have been saying, its free, you don’t need to read it. Problem with this is what incentive did I have to do otherwise? At least people who are into sport know not to look at the back pages if they aren’t up to date. The Metro is a free bit of reading material on the commute to work, at what point was I supposed to think when opening to that page “gee what if its a slow news day and they decided to ambush me with a spoiler for Game of Thrones on the inside cover?”

And even though I didn’t pay for it, I have every right to be fucking mad. If someone knocked me over in the street and shoved his balls in my face then do I have no right to complain because he didn’t charge me for it?

The article doesn’t even work once you have actually seen it, its just reiterating what people who had seen it already knew, its not “discussing” the event its just reporting on it quite massive and right at the front of the paper in an important section. Who was this article actually for? People who aren’t into Game of Thrones and reporting what Game of Thrones fans think about a twist in it? Who would care about that? Who wants to see it in a newspaper? Why is it vital to your demographic?

Your demographic by the way (in case whichever tosspot decided this would be a better stance than actually saying sorry for a dick move) is people who commute into and around London. People with 9-5 jobs who spend at least an hour a day travelling and have time to kill and a newspaper to read. People with families, people with lives, people with other shit to do who don’t always have time to watch Game of Thrones when its broadcast, or they don’t have sky or want to save it for later. It doesn’t matter if it had ALREADY BEEN BROADCAST and…seriously you bunch of fucking dicks. There is no excuse you can come up with that will make me shut up and stop demanding an apology.

And so because the Metro never admit that they’re wrong, which they are, we’re never going to get an apology and are just going to be told to get over it.

I’m still going to keep reading it because 1: its free and gives me something to write about and 2: its owned by the same company that owns the Daily Mail and therefore is more likely to be a perfect example of English tabloid journalism at its absolute worst, most crass and venal.


Also let it be noted I would still accept an apology if you’d get off your high bloody horse that’s probably penetrated the ozone layer by this point.

Weather News: It’s Dreadful, isn’t it?

So it was snowing when I cycled to the station today. Nothing really out of the ordinary except the fact that it’s fucking March. The end of March. So far towards the end of March it’s practically June. This is not how things should be. It’s like life’s turned into Game of Thrones…not the sex and dragons stuff, the fact winter never ends. So you can gather why I immediately thought “I bet the front cover of the Metro will be something along the lines of “WEATHER IS BAD AND MOTORISTS SAY IT SUCKS” or “HORROR FOR COMMUTERS AS MORE SNOW ON THE WAY” or “SNOW IS RUINING MY WEEK SAYS SOME CELEBRITY”. So what have you got for me Metro?

Picture 001

Wow, I must be clairvoyant or something.

The tabloid press gets a lot of really kind of deserved slack for placing such massive importance on “FROZEN FLUFFY WATER FALLS FROM CLOUDS!” as opposed to serious stuff like “PEOPLE IN SUITS IN ROOM TALK ABOUT POLITICS AND STUFF!”

The general mantra of “it’s just a bit of snow, why do we whine so much about it? This is not news, it doesn’t deserve to be in a newspaper”, has been repeated by most people. Although I do think that tabloid newspapers that do it are base and crass, I find it almost comforting in some cases. Granted Newspapers need to do important stuff like politics, death, war, etc but in the case of “The Metro” I believe it to be highly appropriate front page material because as I’ve said before, at seven AM you aren’t in the mood for serious news. You want something nice to look at for half an hour that makes you feel nice.

“The Metro” is something to read on your miserable way through to work. I guarantee that anyone who got a train into London this morning was grumbling about the weather and seeing the front page of the Newspaper share their gripes is comforting. I was reassured to know that the newspaper was agreeing with me for a change.

It’s like when someone comes and tells you that, say; they’ve got a cold or someone said a mean thing about them. They don’t expect you to do anything other than agree with them: “I know, it’s horrible, isn’t it?” At seven AM on your way to work; a newspaper that understands what you grumble about is what we need. However I think the language “The Metro” employs could be a bit more chummy and conversational, something along the lines of this:


Other appropriate topics of conversation for the morning news include:



“The Agreeable News” would be handed out outside tube stations to frowny people who can’t be arsed to go to work. So instead of grumbling about politicians in suits doing stuff and people killing each other somewhere you can’t pronounce the name of; now you can grumble and go “too bloody right” instead. It would foster a sense of community between commuters, it would bring us together if we could share our everyday first world gripes and it might make us happier and more empathetic.

….shutup, it would!

MetroBlog Not sponsored by the Metro

If anyone out there has been unfortunate enough to run into me between 8:24 and 9:16 between Monday and Friday (my morning commute to work); you will have noticed I’m rather distant and moody. I’m usually sat with a book in my hands while listening to obscure Norwegian bands I claim you’re just too ignorant for. Or I’m sat with a copy of “The Metro” (The free newspaper available in railways stations in and around London) mumbling the word “bastards” at regular intervals.

The Metro proclaims loudly on the cover that it is “The World’s Most Popular Free Newspaper” …you do know that’s not something to be proud of, right? That’s like saying “Try having a head cold, its ten times more popular than a sore throat”. It’s a meaningless phrase for the simple reason that your audience is trapped. It’s the same reason why I really don’t understand why First Capital Connect have a marketing department, there is no point in marketing something people have no alternative to. You’ve kind of already guaranteed yourself customers just by being there. I know the Metro is a different thing entirely since whether or not I read it is based on choice whereas First Capital Connect are directly profiting from people with no choice how they travel. Yet at the same time reading it feels compulsive.

The commute into London is grinding misery and I don’t know why I read the Metro and I guarantee that neither does anyone that picks one up. It’s just there to give your eyes something to look at because at that time of the morning you have the brain capacity of a five year old. It’s the newspaper equivalent of a can of Pepsi. No one really likes it but if there’s nothing else available you just think: “Ah screw it; it’s there, it’s more interesting than water, might as well have it”. It’s the same with the Metro, it’s there, it’s better than just sitting here breathing in and breathing out for between twenty minutes and an hour depending on how much the train operators can be arsed to do their jobs properly.

So this blog is basically going to be my thoughts after reading the Metro. It won’t be a daily thing as I neither have the time nor energy. This blog may be news related topics, general hate towards the Metro’s style of news reporting, as based on all the paper’s I’ve read, it’s definitely in the lower middle class of tabloid bracket. It’s the Daily Mail of bland placid eye fodder designed for miserable commuters. One step up from The Sun; it’s nothing to be proud of yet there they are, every morning, the tubes are littered with them. Then again, I don’t see much difference between the Metro and the Sun. Tits or articles about boring people I don’t care about and pictures of people’s pets, they’re both just “something to look at for a bit”. Hopefully it’ll coerce me into coming out with something insightful or witty. Only time will tell.

Also in terms of qualifying my bastardised opinion on the free London rag, I present my evidence in case they want to sue me for slander:

Can’t remember when, a couple of weeks ago, they published on the inside of their front cover their quote of the day. It is the single dumbest thing I have ever read in a newspaper.

“I’m not worried about North Korea, Nuclear weapons are so old school” –, Record producer and Musician

……………..that quote is the new definition of the word facepalm.