#METROBLOG: Reading the metro in a non-commuter context: Everything is Shit and you’re going to die!!! :) lol!!!

Author’s note: the copy of the metro I am sourcing is one day out of date. so apologies for the frankly victorian stories about how people vote for racists, someone died again, and animals are cute….actually maybe the idea satire has to be based on recent events is actually bollocks. Anyway, same old shit.

So, I had the day off yesterday, but I was going into London anyway because I was going to see the American noise rock band Swans because I’m a pretentious little shit who is easily excited by loud noises. And there was a copy of the Metro left. Just one. I probably should have resisted, but I had the idea of trying to read it outside the context of being a commuter. I seem to approach newspapers with a different mindset in the morning on my way to work since naturally you just want a general haze of random stories to wash over you and I never really absorb what’s in them as I get my important news from social media later on when I’m actually awake. Then when I started reading it I started to realise: if I was actually awake when I read these, I would realise something: human society is full of scumbags, horror and death.

scan0001You are all my children now!!! HAHAHA!!! THE VOTERS ARE MINE!!! …and if that wasn’t enough it just kept getting worse:

scan0003 And worse

scientists
….okay, yes I made that one up but given how depressing the first half of this edition I’m looking at was, would you really have noticed the difference? Is it just me or is the idea of a cosmopolitan newspaper who’s central section is all about young busy londoners who work hard but play hard a bit of an anachronism when you consider the tone that news takes on a daily basis? Literally the first half of the paper is page after page of this and then “we’re all modern and facebooky”

scan0001

Its a bit of a jarring tonal shift narratively. You need more of a sense of progression from negative to positive, so by the end the paper, the commuter has that moment of catharsis. So it sort of follows your mood from “just woken up” to your attitude when you’re awake by the time you finish the paper. So for example we start out with something bleak like this:

voidf

And we continue on with a few pages about abuse, death, rape, torture, war, famine, pestillence and Nigel Farage’s face, then halfway through we get slightly happier.

donkeys

And then more light hearted and positive as we go through with “Someone organises a fete for the British Heart Foundation” (a positive charity story but still with the reminder of terminal illness). Until by the end its a print media form of a fluffy hug, like this:

happiness

Come on newspapers; I could easily make presenting news waaaay more interesting. Prog-news needs to become a journalistic genre.

Next week: Why the news needs a protagonist, character arc and a plot about talking sea horses.