METROBLOG: Dear Metro advert commissioner: Um…what the shit do you call this?

I saw this in the Evening Standard a few days ago and was exasperated beyond belief. I couldn’t believe that this made it through their advertising department to print and I was going to blog on it but I held off. Now its shown up in the Metro this morning and I seriously cannot believe that NO ONE has noticed what its implying and just how….this is the year 2013 right? Did I accidentally stumble into a TARDIS and arrive in a time before feminism happened?

scan0001…if you are not SERIOUSLY questioning the mental state of your fellow man after seeing this advert then you’re beyond help, I’m sorry. At first you may think “okay, so its saying, she’s homeless because she’s spent so much money on shoes” but then why is she naked behind a bit of card that says “aaaaanything for shoes”? I mean, yeah maybe she can’t afford clothes because she’s bought too many shoes but her pose and the “anything for shoes” just makes you immediately think that that’s what this advert is saying: women are whores for some good shoes……women will let you fuck them in exchange for shoes…….

….

….aaaaand society has failed right there, I’ve pinpointed the moment when some marketing fuck officially doomed mankind by not realising what a monumentally insulting advert this is.

Really, if this can go all the way from conception, to pitching, to shoot, to production, through the Evening Standard’s marketing commissioning through an editor to FUCKING PRINT right the fuck in front of me calling women prostitutes for shoes…….and for that entire process to happen AGAIN in the Metro a few days later………in two thousand and thirteen…really, am I wrong here?

Yes I would call myself a feminist, in the sense that I think women should be paid equally, have all the same rights and freedoms as men and not be judged purely as a sex object by men, and yes I also agree that people who aren’t a member of a certain group of people telling them what to be offended by sound incredibly patronising like I am right now. But please tell me I’m not alone in being gobsmacked by this. Is this completely inoffensive and harmless?

And also look at this altered version I’ve done below and tell me if it does anything to the tone of this advert whatsoever

willsuck4shoesYeah, didn’t think so.

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Other casting ideas for Christian in the Fifty Shades of Grey movies

There’s been a huge uproar in the fan base of this awful franchise that Fifty Shades has somehow managed to retain since people outside its demographic actually started reading it and seeing it for the dangerous endorsement of abusive relationships and terrible writing that is is, over who should play Christian Grey in the movie adaptation currently in the works.

First choice announced was Charlie Hunnam who the fanbase didn’t approve of. I can see why, he’s an English actor who can’t do an American accent for shit. Then again he has a history of playing lecherous scumbags so it does fit with the role quite well. But he dropped out citing he wants to spend more time on TV roles and with his family…allegedly. My guess is he was flattered at first being offered the role of sexy Christian Grey who all the ladies fawn over…then he actually picked up the book and read it.  The same process the media has been going through since people started saying its good for feminism. Its important to actually read something before you start talking about its “message”.

Allegedly almost every big name Hollywood actor they’ve approached turned it down. When the rights were sold every actor wanted a piece of it because it would stroke their egos to see how sexy they apparently are. Now, none of them want to do it because they’ve read it and realised how poorly written it is and is probably going to be the next laughably bad Hollywood failure. So the first actor to say yes was someone off a kind of popular TV show. Now who’s their backup choice? A former Calvin Klein model who was in a BBC mini series once….wow, sure feel some star power attached to this thing.

So in case there’s going to be another backlash and last minute cast change and he’ll end up making a statement that he chose to leave and wasn’t pushed, I thought I’d offer my two cents on other potential casting choices for Christian Grey.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS FOR CASTING CHRISTIAN GREY

MOSS

Moss is such an underrated piece of vegetation. It can survive and grow pretty much anywhere. So whether this movie flops or not, you can be guaranteed that moss will survive and flourish regardless. So when this film inevitably becomes a box office failure because they took too long and Fifty Shades fell out of favour in popular culture and they’re now rushing it and having last minute casting problems, moss will carry on and keep up the good work of growing on rocks and starring in endless weepy soap operas. That and you’ve got to admit its absolutely gorgeous and appeals to all sorts of people. Whatever your type, Moss will satisfy your needs.

THIS PILE  OF BRICKS

 This Pile of Bricks has been acting since the very beginning. From when Jesus was doing magic tricks for easily impressed people with green skin conditions to when Shakespeare wrote the Tempest, a pile of bricks has always been there giving its all. Its last role was a heartfelt performance as Lois Lane in Man of Steel. Honestly when I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey I could definitely see this pile of bricks delivering such beautiful lines like “because I’m fifty Shades of fucked up Anastasia” and “you’ve disarmed me Anastasia, with your innocence”. Try reading some of these lines and not seeing them delivered by a pile of housing material. Deep.

THIS DRAWING OF A SNAIL THAT I DID

snail

He may be young, in fact since I only drew him 30 seconds ago, he’s definitely too young for this role, but he’s a fun little guy with a big heart. That may sound a bit strange a choice for casting Christian Grey but just because this drawing of a snail I did isn’t personally true to the character of Christian that doesn’t mean he can’t portray the part. He’s also very clever and could easily grasp the mindset of such a warped character. Not to mention; this drawing of a snail I did has the sex appeal akin to Christian Grey. He’s sexier than a carpet but not too sexy like a stapler, he’s just in the middle so he’ll fit realistically into this role.

THE GUY THAT PLAYED ROD IN BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR.

Come on ladies, you know this one makes perfect sense.