METROBLOG: TV spoilers in Newspapers: No it is not okay and here is why


….see Metro editors, was writing that sentence really that hard?

No seriously, if you’ve invested any emotional involvement in Game of Thrones and haven’t seen the latest episode yet, look away now.

I’m not kidding, major spoiler in the below picture taken from inside the front cover on page 3 of the metro today taking up not just an off handed tiny paragraph article about frivilous entertainment, FULL FUCKING PAGE


…..gee, thanks for that Metro writers. I didn’t have time to watch the new episode anyway, so I guess it’s just as well that you’ve told me what happens and all the characters that die so I don’t even have to bother. Well done Metro writers for making me seriously stop caring about a show I liked……urgh.

Seriously, the idea of “SPOILER WARNING” has become kind of a pre-requisite when talking about a twist in a movie or a book or something so why the hell did this not occur to the writers when going “hmm, a massive plot twist has been provoking strong reactions from fans, let’s put it on the fucking inside cover in massive font with pictures”.

I mean the Metro have an online presence, surely they’re familiar with the concept of a Spoiler warning. If you reveal a twist and someone had yet to watch the thing with the twist without going “oh yeah spoiler warning”, people are going to grill you alive for it, this is about as obvious as two plus two equals four and that Michael Gove has a face like a squished pumpkin. The fact it was so massive and obvious and you can’t avoid it…it can’t have been an accident. So I refuse to believe publishing a massive article like this was a mistake and they didn’t think people who hadn’t had the chance to watch it yet would have it spoiled for them. Publishing the words “THREE CHARACTERS KILLED OFF IN BRUTAL TWIST” next to a picture of Catelyn with a knife at her throat stood next to Robb…there is no way that was an accident. Seriously was I supposed to just look away the second I reached page 2 and realized it was about Game of Thrones and revealing a massive twist when I hadn’t got to that bit in the series yet?

No. This was an antagonistic move. It must have been. There is no chance it wasn’t. This article is pretty much this:


Well, the intention might not have been that word for word, but it feels like that.

The Metro have actually published an article related to this, it says it was published yesterday so it must have been written as this editorial decision was made so yes, their intention was to ruin it for people because hell, was it utterly necessary this ran in a massive eye catching article on page 3 where you can’t avoid it if you happen to want to?

The gist of the justification for this is, if you care about a series enough to avoid spoilers you should have been up to date with it and anyway and besides, in an online age, you’re just one click away from a spoiler so if you don’t know about it and are pissed off, pftt, sucks to be you NERNERNERNER!!!! Seriously what twats.

I’m okay with papers going “oh my God did you see Game of Thrones last night?” Its a watercooler talking point yes and its okay to discuss it in a newspaper but….well yeah, this is a newspaper…its supposed to, y’know, talk about important things….especially right at the front in a massive headline. If this was in a small article in the entertainment section where its easily avoidable if you want to avoid it then fine but LOOK!!! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!! IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET THEN YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY AN IDIOT!!

Yes, if you’re invested, you should be up to date…in principle, but that demands the concept that people who are invested don’t have…um….FUCKING LIVES? I get barely enough time to sit down and have a cup of tea over the week as it is, let alone sit in front of Game of Thrones for an hour, I’m surprised I’m as far through it as I am. “oh you’re gonna run into spoilers anyway” yes I see your argument but that doesn’t mean you should fucking provoke it by out and out shouting “LOOK AT THE DEAD CHARACTERS!!” you don’t NEED to publish this in this place in the paper, it is not vital you publish it here even if your vapid excuse that everyone who cares will have already seen it did hold water, because it doesn’t. This aired a couple of days ago, there is no fucking excuse for this.

This was an ambush. How the fuck was I supposed to know that a major spoiler for Game of Thrones would be right there in my morning paper you stupid pricks?

In a perfect world, the amount of complaints that the Metro should rightfully get over this, tomorrow their page three article should look like this


I mean yeah I’m going to keep reading the Metro to write my stupid blog about it but seriously, this was not okay and…actually no I’m not backing down on this one, they should publish an article just as big tomorrow saying “WE ARE VERY SORRY”.

And you may say I’m overreacting because hell, the book’s been out since 2000 and I’m doing the lazy thing watching the series first. I am reading the books though, I’ve finished watching season 2 and saving season 3 till I’ve at least finished the second book (of which I’m about a quarter of the way through at time of writing). I’m just catching up and so are lot’s of people and this wasn’t fair.

Alright, I will admit that I am culpable for spoiling stuff in the past. I have openly mocked people with spoilers for the Harry Potter films because believe it or not some people were actually watching the films without having read the books. I did that because the Harry Potter books are easy reads, you can get through all of them in about two weeks, it took me a weekend to read the seventh one. It just boggled my mind that people could be so lazy as to not bother with the books but bother with the films when without the books, the films are really kind of weak. Game of Thrones is a different matter as for one thing both books and series are equally strong, and Game of Thrones doesn’t have the appeal or similar audience as Harry Potter and is mostly growing in popularity recently because of the TV series and spoiling it like this….seriously, who the hell decided this was a good idea?

Its not as though they thought “oh yeah, everyone invested in Game of Thrones at the moment will know that Catelyn and Robb die” because this twist isn’t well known or famous like some twists are. Some twists are famous for being well known and spoiled, like say the ending of Planet of the Apes….the twists’s kind of right there on the poster.

Hmm…I wonder what planet this Planet of the Apes might be?

And yes, I get the argument that when does it stop becoming a spoiler as noted in this article of stupid base crass generalizations. How long should you leave it? Should I be annoyed if someone spoils say the end of the Sopranos, a series from years ago, that you haven’t got to yet? The article says no…it doesn’t offer any concrete reason for saying no but I on the other hand say that if someone was midway through a series boxset and didn’t want to know the end then I’d probably show some common fucking courtesy if people still haven’t got to it yet and keep quiet about it to them. Its not about “if you’re invested you’d have seen it already” its about being fucking polite.

Yes I would put a timestamp on it. If something like Planet of the Apes has such a famous twist and has been out for nearly half a century, its okay. If something came out the other day and you’re ambushing people with it on their way to work; that’s what makes you a dick. Fuck you whoever decided this was a good idea and fuck you for this pathetic justification for it. This article was just going “NERNER!! You haven’t got there yet slowpoke!”

Eat a bag of dicks you dicks.

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

In this chapter, there is some more kinky sex poorly rendered in stickmen drawings by me. We also get more literary references trying to make out this shit is deep and meaningful and I ask why Ana hasn’t got the obvious literary reference to what’s happening in her life yet: that being Faust

The Nightmare on Elm Street Theme (New Line Cinema)
Pure Fucking Armageddon (live) – Mayhem (Deathlike Silence)
Let’s Get it on – Marvin Gaye (Mercury)
Clip of Bill Hicks from Relentless (Rykodisc)
Clip of South Park episode “my Future self and me” (Comedy Central)
A clip from the Simpsons (Fox)
The Best of Friends from The Fox and The Hound (Disney)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer

Every once in a while, a pop culture phenomenon surfaces that makes the dwarfs the last by comparison in vapid stupidity. This one is called Fifty Shades of Grey, a book about a girl taken in by an older man who offers her a contract saying she will be his willing submissive sex slave, a few heavy handed metaphors about the power hormones have over women, prententious references to Tess of the D’urbevilles and other stuff and you’ve got yourself a best-seller that’s taken seriously by the mooing masses and we’re told its meaningful for the zeitgeist.

That’s where I come in. I’m currently in the process of making a chapter by chapter review of the book, dismantling the plot, dialogue, barely present characterisation and tearing to pieces the idea this is anything other than just another bit of porn. The story poorly animted with stick people, a torture porn parody side plot concerning a possessed copy of the book and we get a 26 part indictment of one of the most baffling pop culture phenomena in the history of mankind. Join me, will you?

Fifty Shades of Grey was written by E.L. James and is published by Random House. Its also fucking shit.
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls is on Virgin Records and not owned by me
All images not drawn by me are owned by owners

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter: 11

In this chapter, we get the full contract laid out to us (expect lots of explicit illustrations) Also Christian buys Ana one of them new fangled computater things the kids have nowadays.

tubular bells by mike oldfield (mercury)
theme from The Shining (warner bros)
Theme from a Nightmare on Elm street (New Line Cinema)
Left Bank Two (The Noveltones)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

In this chapter, Ana appears to be an alien and has no understanding of how life on Earth functions….for reals. No one is this thick in real life. Well, some people are but a 22 year old English literature student?

tubular bells by mike oldfield (mercury)
psycho theme by bernard hermann (paramount pictures)
Chopin – Prelude Op.28, no. 4 in E Minor (apparently copyright EMI)
Footage from E.T. The porno (okay I have no clue who owns the copyright to this and there’s no fucking way I’m bothering to try and find out)

Stevie the Squirrel is Gay

They keep turning me down on grounds of taste, I think this one is more likely to convince them of my merit as a children’s author, and it also tackles important things in a child’s growth and emotional development. See what you think.



One Day when Stevie the Squirrel came into class he felt strange.

It all started when he saw Hagrid the phallic shaped wombat sat a few desks away from his.

He felt funny, but it was a nice sort of funny.

But he was probably looking at the wombat for too long, as people noticed.

When he was leaving school that afternoon, he was cornered by Lenny the Leopard, Carl the crow, and Randy the pit bull terrier that was bright purple and had a massive head for some reason.

“Stevie’s gay!!” shouted Lenny the Leopard “I saw him looking at that Wombat that looks like a willy!”

“So they started hitting Stevie very hard and whipping him with towels.

And then Randy the pit bull terrier jumped on Stevie and started hitting him with his abdomen.

And then Lenny the Leopard went wee wee on his face.

“Bet you homos love that!” said Lenny the Leopard, smiling.

Then the bullies went away and felt all funny about what they had just done.

Stevie sat there crying for a little bit.

Until Sandy the screamingly camp Pheasant came along.

“What is wrong little squirrel?” asked Sandy “were those bullies picking on you?”

“Sniff…they said I’m gay because I was looking at that wombat that looks like a willy” said Stevie “but I couldn’t help it”.

“Oh, its okay” said Sandy “if you’re gay, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to them, lots of people are gay and its no big deal”

“Really?” sniffed Stevie.

“Of course not” said Sandy “now lets go to a leather bar, it’ll be lots of fun”.

So Stevie and Sandy went to a leather bar with Hortence the Nympho kitten and Billy the sadomasochistic badger with a leather fetish who liked to be tied up and whipped.

The end!
Yes, I only drew this because I thought a badger in a leather gimp suit would be funny.

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.


“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”


But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.


“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.


So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.


“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.


“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.


“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.


But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.


“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.


Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.


“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.


“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.


“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.


Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.


They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.


They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.


“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.


“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.


“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.


“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.


“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.


But they were shocked at what they found.


They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.


“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.


There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.


And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.


And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.


Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.


They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.


And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….