An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 2

I got bored of this chapter halfway through and started making a porn movie about household objects…this book really is an endurance test for the attention span.

Plot and characters (??citation needed??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L James (Random House)

Music
Spawn (HBO) theme by Shirley Williams
Shining music (Warner)
Chopin Prelude E.Minor (op 28. no.4) (EMI)
Closer by NIN (Nothing/interscope)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 1

https://stubagful.wordpress.com

In the opening chapter, Christian (y’know the guy that Ana broke up with at the end of the last book) invites himself to her friend’s photography show with her, accuses her of wanting to cheat on him with Jose even though they broke up because he hit her and makes her apologise for leaving him.

….

…………………………the beginning of a beautiful love story obviously

NOT MINE:
Plot and characters (??CITATION NEEDED??) from Fifty Shades Darker by E.L. James (Random House)

Music:
Spawn Animated Series Theme by Shirley Walker (HBO)
The Shining music (Warner)
Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Nothing/Interscope)

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker Prologue: The Nightmare Returns

https://stubagful.wordpress.com

Watch me burrow into this new hole with a poorly directed prologue to my new stickmen animated sequel review series/torture porn parody/adaptation/thing……

…..yes I do have dumb ideas sometimes, but at least its something to do.

NOT MINE:
Gygas Theme from Earthbound (Nintendo) by Keniichi Suzuki & Hirokasu Tanaka (sorry if I spelt the names wrong)
Spawn (HOB) theme by Shirley Williams
Music from The Whining (Warner Bros.)
Barbie Girl by Aqua (Universal/MCA)

A Bunch of Trailers: Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker, He Who Moans & General Channel Trailer

Hey internet! Why not waste some time watching some stupid short clips of recycled material accompanied by music! Yay! It was worth me putting these together!

To start with: The trailer for an Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades Darker

Reviewing the most vapid pop culture phenomenon in recent history Fifty Shades of Grey was one of the most trying experiences of my life as an online reviewer. So naturally the sequel was a temptation I was too weak to resist….and BOY is it a talking point!!! Never thought porn would have this much plot…especially never thought a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey would have any plot at all let alone too much…yes I know but I couldn’t resist this one.

NOT MINE:
Music cues from the shining (warner bros)
Master and Servant by Depeche Mode (Mute Records)
THIS VIDEO NOT MADE FOR PROFIT

Next up. He Who Moans. This was the only one of my video strands without a trailer, so here it is. If you wanna share me with your friends (I’m just gonna put my rose tinted spectacles on) here’s an introduction to these cynical pieces of bile.

ALL FOOTAGE IS OWNED BY THE BBC, DOCTOR WHO IS A TRADEMARK OF THE BBC. THIS VIDEO IS NOT MADE FOR PROFIT AND NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED

And finally a stupid, grandiose big dumb general video channel trailer:

Music is In the Hall of the Mountain King – no copyright infringement intended….well duh, its one of the most famous bits of classical music ever written. No profit is being made from this video

He Who Moans: Review of Doctor Who: The End of Time

https://stubagful.wordpress.com/

ALL FOOTAGE USED IS OWNED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS, DOCTOR WHO IS A TRADEMARK OF THE BBC

Note: Yes I probably fucked up a few of my facts in this one. My really limp excuse is this thing was two and a half hours long and I lost the will to live by minute 15. Wow is talking about this one difficult. I managed to crowbar it into just under fifteen minutes though which is an achievement.

Other casting ideas for Christian in the Fifty Shades of Grey movies

There’s been a huge uproar in the fan base of this awful franchise that Fifty Shades has somehow managed to retain since people outside its demographic actually started reading it and seeing it for the dangerous endorsement of abusive relationships and terrible writing that is is, over who should play Christian Grey in the movie adaptation currently in the works.

First choice announced was Charlie Hunnam who the fanbase didn’t approve of. I can see why, he’s an English actor who can’t do an American accent for shit. Then again he has a history of playing lecherous scumbags so it does fit with the role quite well. But he dropped out citing he wants to spend more time on TV roles and with his family…allegedly. My guess is he was flattered at first being offered the role of sexy Christian Grey who all the ladies fawn over…then he actually picked up the book and read it.  The same process the media has been going through since people started saying its good for feminism. Its important to actually read something before you start talking about its “message”.

Allegedly almost every big name Hollywood actor they’ve approached turned it down. When the rights were sold every actor wanted a piece of it because it would stroke their egos to see how sexy they apparently are. Now, none of them want to do it because they’ve read it and realised how poorly written it is and is probably going to be the next laughably bad Hollywood failure. So the first actor to say yes was someone off a kind of popular TV show. Now who’s their backup choice? A former Calvin Klein model who was in a BBC mini series once….wow, sure feel some star power attached to this thing.

So in case there’s going to be another backlash and last minute cast change and he’ll end up making a statement that he chose to leave and wasn’t pushed, I thought I’d offer my two cents on other potential casting choices for Christian Grey.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS FOR CASTING CHRISTIAN GREY

MOSS

Moss is such an underrated piece of vegetation. It can survive and grow pretty much anywhere. So whether this movie flops or not, you can be guaranteed that moss will survive and flourish regardless. So when this film inevitably becomes a box office failure because they took too long and Fifty Shades fell out of favour in popular culture and they’re now rushing it and having last minute casting problems, moss will carry on and keep up the good work of growing on rocks and starring in endless weepy soap operas. That and you’ve got to admit its absolutely gorgeous and appeals to all sorts of people. Whatever your type, Moss will satisfy your needs.

THIS PILE  OF BRICKS

 This Pile of Bricks has been acting since the very beginning. From when Jesus was doing magic tricks for easily impressed people with green skin conditions to when Shakespeare wrote the Tempest, a pile of bricks has always been there giving its all. Its last role was a heartfelt performance as Lois Lane in Man of Steel. Honestly when I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey I could definitely see this pile of bricks delivering such beautiful lines like “because I’m fifty Shades of fucked up Anastasia” and “you’ve disarmed me Anastasia, with your innocence”. Try reading some of these lines and not seeing them delivered by a pile of housing material. Deep.

THIS DRAWING OF A SNAIL THAT I DID

snail

He may be young, in fact since I only drew him 30 seconds ago, he’s definitely too young for this role, but he’s a fun little guy with a big heart. That may sound a bit strange a choice for casting Christian Grey but just because this drawing of a snail I did isn’t personally true to the character of Christian that doesn’t mean he can’t portray the part. He’s also very clever and could easily grasp the mindset of such a warped character. Not to mention; this drawing of a snail I did has the sex appeal akin to Christian Grey. He’s sexier than a carpet but not too sexy like a stapler, he’s just in the middle so he’ll fit realistically into this role.

THE GUY THAT PLAYED ROD IN BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR.

Come on ladies, you know this one makes perfect sense.

An Out of Context Review of Pokemon the Movie 2000

Pokemon was a pop culture conspiracy that produced disturbing effects allowing for 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq. Here’s a review of the second movie to back up this wild accusation.

NOT MINE:
The Pink Room by Angelo Badalamenti (Warner Bros)
Pokemon are a trademark of Nintendo
Pokemon the Movie 2000 footage used for criticism and review (owned by Warner Bros/4Kids)
The Holy Mountain is owned by Tartan
Entry of the Gladiators Circus music – some people
Digimon Theme – Fox kids
Celebration – Kool and the Gang (Mercury)
2001 a Space Odyssey theme (Sony Classical)
Loadsa Pictures