VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: The Prophecy of Justin Bieber

I wrote this blog in 2010. I also used it on my student radio series. It was around the time Justin Bieber’s career exploded and everyone was slinging as many harsh criticism his way as…okay it wasn’t so much harsh criticism as much as it was “urgh, Justin Bieber, he must be a lezzer!” and other witty banter like that. And given recent events, him getting thrown out of night clubs, accusations of doing weed, the fan he supposedly got pregnant (I have no evidence of the last two, don’t sue me) and the fabulous being two hours late for a gig (Guns N Roses do that all the time, seriously, are you fucking surprised?) I thought maybe it was time to dig this entry out on my position in the argument: is it right to thrown such harsh words at a child in the world of business?

23 May 2010

I thought I might vent this, because its a bizarre occurance. I’ve taken a position in a philosophical debate that you would never usually expect of me. I’m in the unamiable position…of defending Justin Bieber.

Yes, I thought that might shock you.

Justin Bieber was first seen on youtube doing his whiny girlish unoriginal “singing” and was spotted by a record producer, taken into an office somewhere and got a contract with Island records. And since 2007 his career has really taken off, its divided people really, some, mostly little girls are awing over him and buying the records, while the rest of us wish that he would fuck off and die already.

Thing is though I feel a bit bad for the kid. I mean of course he has absolutely nothing to offer the world of music. He’s a teenage fad like all the others and sings exactly like Britney Spears and all that lot, he’s doing nothing new and is never going to inspire the creative tendons of some undiscovered genius, he’s just there for the sake of being there. The record company feel they can exploit the kid and so they do.
Thing is though its record company to blame for this, not the kid himself. Think about it, he was on youtube. He had no connections and no money, he was thirteen years old. They look at that and go “ooh, we can make a bit of money off of this”.

He’s a child in the world of big business, he’s a kid. And if he sees all these hateful comments then I can safely say: well done everyone, you’ve made a child cry, you happy now? That made you feel all special? Admittedly I hate kids but the rest of you clearly don’t since you’re all happy and go “ooh you’re pregnant, ooh, one of life’s miracles” when there are plenty of unhappy kids in the world without parents, go raise them if you want one so much.

Justin Bieber is a child and a teen icon. Teen icons come and go, we’ve seen more of them in history than we’ve seen viable excuses for war, but then again we’ve never seen a viable excuse for war so…hmm, more accurate comparison, we’ve seen more teen icons than we’ve seen bigmacs shovelled down our throats, that’ll do. And they almost always end badly. Alright, Justin Timberlake is still around despite his lack of talent, but Justin Bieber has already divided people and won’t last much longer.

Just think about it. Gareth Gates, Darius, Scooch, Milli Vanilli. By the time this kid turns 18 everyone will have known and completely forgotten who he is. His records won’t be selling well since the current kids buying them will have grown out of it. He’ll be dropped from his record label. He’ll have no money out by because fame does weird things to people, he’ll piss it all away. It’ll screw him up really badly. At the moment he’s only on chapter two of what is going to be a very sad and twisted tale, he’s already on his way down.

All I ask is that if you at least show a little bit of sympathy for this poor doomed individual. Popstars come and go and given how vapid they get with the ego boost, this kid’s gonna be on the streets before he turns 18. Fine, ignore him because he is musically worthless, but if you’re gonna be harsh about Justin Bieber, just think to the future when the ninteen year old kid is stood in an alley. He kneels in a pile of tear stained one dollar bills and opens his mouth for another couple of bucks that might keep him alive for a bit longer. I for one think that’s rather sad.

Thank you

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Upcoming Historical Book by Stuart Hardy

13 Feb 2009
Upcoming historical book by Stuart

I’m researching for this at the moment, its a very complex subject, so many different views and so much evidence to take into account. So far I’ve written the introduction and a table of contents. And before you ask, yes this is about the sandwich that allegedly started world war one

What was in the sandwich – cheese, ham, or corned beef?

The beginning of the 20th century and the outbreak of World War One followed by the outbreak of world war two is widely regarded as one of the most significantly traumatic periods in history. It saw the advancement of warfare to the point where both sides lost millions of soldiers in a matter of days. However what caused this was slightly less significant, what caused the suffering of millions and the widespread acknowledgement of an event so grand in scale was in fact: a sandwich. It may be a little hard to believe and not following a line of logic tended to be followed by normal people, or as we will refer to from now on: “norms”, but the truth is that if by the off chance, an assassin sent to kill the Archduke Franz Ferdinand had not eaten that sandwich, then history would probably have turned out very differently.

As is common knowledge, the First World War was sparked by the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it was not the sole reason, but that’s beside the point, it was at least a beginning of events that would span the next four years, and it would not have been possible if it were not for the sandwich. Member of the black hand gang, Gavrilo Princip had failed to kill Archduke Ferdinand and subsequently went to get a sandwich, and if it were not for that, he would not have come out on the street where the Archduke’s car had been diverted, he would not have shot the Archduke, and he would not have started World War One. I’m not insinuating that we should hunt down the sandwich dealer and blame him for all the suffering that followed, but the point of speculation is what sort of sandwich Princip bought; was it cheese? Bacon? some sort of salami?

There are many theories regarding the sandwich, the renowned historian wikipedia argues that the sandwich was chicken, but does not provide evidence for this. This book will aim to establish the sort of sandwich Princip purchased and exactly why this is significant. And if you still think this is stupid then….whatever.

Table of contents

1. A time of alliances (events leading up to the outbreak of war)
2. The formation and sandwich preferences of the black hand gang
3. The day of the assassination and its effects
4. Why the sandwich was definitely not tuna
5. The possibilities: corned beef, Chicken, beef, BLT, turkey, or cheese?
6. What significance this has to anything
7. Why you had to spend £5.99 just to learn that the sandwich was cheese……oh shit, I just gave away the ending
8. Why you cannot get a refund for this book

coming soon to all good book retaillers

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me

I’m feeling nostalgic, I miss 2009. I also found this I wrote around the time this was going down recently.
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me – rage against the machine for christmas no 1
by Stuart Hardy on Friday, 18 December 2009 at 22:51 ·

Unless you don’t know, at the moment for the first time in five years the odds on who’s going to be christmas no 1 in the UK charts has finally got interesting, finally something different happened.

Thanks to a facebook group its down to rage against the machine and X-factor winner Joe Mcwotsit. Now even if I wasn’t a rage fan before this came along I would certainly have been on rage’s side since I like metal and see reality TV as the scum of the broadcasting industry. The arguments have been flying back and forth as to who you should buy, either way its more publicity for both. At least its got rage back and going again, they hadn’t done anything this year, no new songs, shows or anything, now suddenly they’re one of the biggest bands in the UK. Who knows, maybe it’ll encourage them to write another album. If you’re reading Tom, which I know you aren’t, your Nightwatchmen project is good yes, but we need more rage!!

Anyway, the arguements have been flying back and forth and now I’m going to present all the evidence skewed to meet my point of view, which is what everyone in the media’s been doing recently so I’m not the only hypocrite. The pot and the kettle are calling each other black all round, no one’s entirely right about this, except for me….just kidding.

Since the start people have been saying that the x-factor label sy-co is a division of sony which rage are signed to so they’ll see a projit anyway. This was pointed out at the start…although apparently the star weren’t aware of this so yesterday their headline was “Simon sees a profit either way a daily star source revealed yesterday”……thank you….here’s a crayon, go back to your “writing”. Yes rage aren’t exactly as badass as they claim because they’re signed to a massive corporate record label thats the same as the opponent’s BUUUUUUUUUUUUT how else do you expect rage to gain recognition without it? Yes you may say this makes out that rage’s political ideas don’t work in practice but we live in a corporate dominated media which rage has had to become a part of in order to get their message to the people.

As for it being part of the same record label as the other so Cowell sees a projit either way, its not about the money, that’s what people that say this are thinking about rather than the principle of the thing itself. Yeah alright cowell sees profit but only a tiny bit, y’know how many people are part of sony bgm? Its fucking massive, and Morello’s said that he’s giving the money he gets to charity anyway. Yeah alright cowell will see a small margin of the profit but he’ll be sick to take it

The music is the matter at hand. Cowell has said since day one that “its a cynical campaign aimed at me” well no shit sherlock of course its aimed at you!!! What else do you wish to inform of us of? Ooh flowers smell nice don’t they? Its raining outside, that car is red, well done for realising that you stupid bastard. “Its going to spoil the party for these guys, I just wanted to give them a hit record” cha ching, cha ching goes the till. Its all your opinion on what music is Cowell, I don’t think its music and clearly around 800,000 people that’ve joined the group agree with me. Yes 19 million people watched the x-factor final, around 3 million of which are in denial and admit they hate the bloody thing, there’s 50 million of us in the UK and everyone outside that 19 million hate you or are indifferent. Your word on what’s music and what isn’t is as much a law as rage’s is.

And he picks the same bloody person year after year, anyone can warble into the microphone with someone else’s lyrics. I watched the x-factor auditions one year, guy who called himself “rockin rick”…lol, he came in and did his stuff, which admittedly isn’t to everyone’s tastes, but you fuckin humiliated the guy because you didn’t think he was good enough. I did, I probably wouldn’t buy his records but you fucking humiliated him, well this is a taste of what you’ve been dishing out the last few years. Sat there behind your desk judging others for something you can’t do yourself and now someone says that your opinion counts for shit, its just the same as anyone else’s opinion, and now the people who think your opinion’s shit want their song at no 1. We should stop being scrooges? You should go round to rockin rick’s house and apologise to him you evil bastard….youtube him, guy’s hilarious.

Wow…really went off on one there. I still find it funny how Cheryl Cole called the campaign mean while being sat right next to simon cowell………where do you begin? Yes this man who’s nickname is “Judge Dredd”, but your campaign is mean………..oh please someone tell her.

The main badmouthing of rage has recently come from the daily mail, who’s main criticism seems to be that Zack de la rocha has a wrinkly face. “eerr, look at him, he should keep that bag on his head, its disgusting” yeah and simon cowell has a funny shaped head, we’re none of us perfect. And they seriously thought this would deter rage fans…..yes. To be honest mail readers aren’t exactly gonna be buying killing in the name, no great loss if they take things out of context and say “yesterday on 5live rage against the machine unleashed a tirade of foul-mouthed insults”….as part of the song and everyone knows it anyway, who’s it harming? “ooh, kids might have been listening” kids are the ones bloody buying the song, don’t gimme that shit. And besides I’ve read the daily mail occasionally and y’know what? They’re not exactly an episode of the teletubbies, oh yeah, I’ve seen the f-word in it and anyone can buy the daily mail, kids might’ve been reading that, and so what? Its a perfectly viable word.

Then of course they report that Simon Cowell says that “the BBC are sour grape that the X-factor has been such a success and that’s why so many support it”. Yes and you’re only saying that mr cowell because you’re on ITV and its in your interest…seriously, has there ever been a more “well duh moment?” in recorded history? The daily mail are only bashing the BBC over this because the company that owns them owns ITV and holds all the shares, its financially in their interest that the X-factor wins because they know that next year if it doesn’t, around a thousand rage fans will show up to audition and sing killing in the name as their piece ultimately killing the lumbering beast of a show once and for all.

Onto the opposing song itself: the climb by Joe Mcwotsit. A kareoke cover of a MILEY CYRUS SONG. Yes a person who didn’t even write the song he’s singing, his song was originally sung by someone who didn’t write it either….wow, that’s music in action that is. To rage, music is artistic expression which is what music should be, to the x-factor its a business, which it has to be to stay afloat. But the climb is just a sickly sweet ballad with no feeling or meaning to it. You think it has meaning “oh there’s some battles I have to lose, but its the climb” but its no more meaningful than the next corporate produced sweet song about fuckall. Killing in the name is a rock protest song written seventeen years ago about racist police and has been used since to protest many things. Yeah alright its a trivial thing of who should be christmas no 1 and you could argue the song could be put to better use but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be no 1 at Christmas, the climbs not exactly about the suffering of starving aids victims in Africa is it? Which one has a bit more meaningfulness to it?

Cowell’s had enough no 1s, they are his by the way, don’t ever think this is Joe’s hit, Cowell’s the man in the driving seat for this market of spiritually dead music that’s just his opinion. Not saying people who watch the x-factor are stupid I’m saying that they’re fed cowell’s point of view. The x-factor puts forward the culture of fame, the worst part of the music industry, its not about the artistic expression and the music itself, its just gotta be sickly sweet to capture the interest and have an interchangable figure singing it. Cowell’s had four christmas no1s and they’ve all been shite, just someone singing words that’ve been put in their mouths by someone else. Rage put their heart into writing killing in the name seventeen years ago and it hasn’t aged a day. Its loud and angry and just right.If you like neither then fair enough to you. Doesn’t matter who you think deserves it more. Joe went through the gruelling process of the x-factor to be given a song to sing, Rage’s fans stood up to the automated system and the band jumped in on it liking the political motives behind it. I would have approved of Morello’s sentiments if it weren’t for the fact he actually used the phrase “silent majority”. Whenever someone says they’re the silent majority my response is “well shutup then”. Clearly you’re not the silent majority you’re speaking. And rage fans are speaking now and quite rightly so, they just didn’t think to do this before. I did very much agree with Morello and the band’s views on the subject though. Morello said that on the show you get to vote for the contestants but you can’t vote against the show itself, and that’s what buying the track is doing, voting against the system as it is, something that’s come up a lot in rage’s past clashes with the world of politics.

It has just shown how many people in the media are rage fans, including the likes of Terry Wogan, now there was a surprise. Course Cowell says its just the BBC being all anti-xfactorsuccess while they’re being all anti-BBC because of this and claiming the swearing on 5live hasn’t got as much coverage as it would’ve done. Nice ploy there rage, it’ll definitely boost sales. It was kind of stupid of 5live anyway, you get the most anti-establishment band since the sex pistols and dead kennedys, and you expect them to self-censor their lyrics? Sorry but who’s idea was that exactly? And have they been wheeled off by the men in white coats yet? I’m not complaining obviously I’m just saying; duh, no shit they would do that.

The x-factor has been in charge of the music business in the UK for far too long and it only teaches warbling into the camera, it doesn’t teach how to make music and make it live. You can quibble with delarocha’s vocal style all you want but the x-factor’s simple equation isn’t exactly the pinnacle of excellence.

Anyway, I dunno what you think but I think rage should bring the x-factor’s domination of the UK charts to a fitting close because of all that shit I just said up there. With me or not it doesn’t matter, if you are then go buy killing in the name already, you’ve only got tomorrow and half of sunday, not much time left, go on already!

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: A Chair based Odyssey

Posted on either facebook, myspace or some other shitty free webspace I used to use…I really can’t remember.


As if the manic depression wasn’t enough, my chair broke. I sit at my computer in my chair all the time and its gone and fucking broken, brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant. You may say “stop complaining Stuart, just go buy a new one” yes, my thoughts exactly, and it sounds like a good idea yes, but you are about to embark on the impossible journey of trying to find a decent chair, join me will you…?

Attempt 1: Morrisons – I got my last chair from Morrisons and they occasionally do furniture, they had them last time I checked which was at the weekend, I drive down there, they don’t have them. This was annoying yes but this quest hasn’t reached the point of ridiculousness yet my friends…

Attempt 2: PC world – would’ve expected better of these fucks. They do everything computer based, hardware, software but if you actually want to…y’know, fucking SIT at your computer NO FUCK OFF!!!! They used to do them, but now PC world’s gone downhill. It all started when they changed their slogan from “where in the world? PC world?” to the plain and rather boring “the best of both worlds”. Now all it does is hardware and overpriced games, while gamestation sells preowned games at 99p each, PC world sell you all the latest outdated trash for £39.99rrp, and they wonder why their sales are down recently. Take the fucking hint PC world, take the fucking hint…

Attempt 3: Homebase – there wasn’t a B and Q in close proximity so Homebase was the choice on offer. Homebase, its sort of like B and Q…only it is., yes its just B and Q with a different name. They had chairs yes, the cheapest was £82.99, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY’RE PLAYING AT?? IT’S A CHAIR NOT A FUCKING CURE FOR CANCER!!!

Attempt 4: Argos – £76.99!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD??!?!?

Attempt 5: Currys – they do all sorts in Currys, Computers, TVs, you’d think they’d do chairs for fucking computers but nooooo. They do all sorts of crap, toasters, fridges, kettles, vacuum cleaners BUT NOT FUCKING CHAIRS!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD??? Its such a random assortment of items, its like if there was a shop out there that sold mobile phones and cheese, if you don’t specify your market, people will think you’re shit.

Attempt 6: DFS – didn’t hold out much hope here, all they usually do is sofas. I wonder sometimes how DFS have held up through recession because everyone knows they always have a sale on on Boxing Day. So I just wonder how they get any customers the other 363/4 days in the year. “Oh we ought to get a new sofa, lets go to DFS” “nah, this one’ll be okay for a bit longer lets go boxing day”. And again, they are chairless.

Attempt 7: Toys R us – yes, I have sunk to a new low people. I was actually kind of hopeful for this one because last time I was looking something, Wil and I were looking for podcasting equipment which was £30 online. We looked in PC world and like with everything else they didn’t have, podcasting equipment was one of them. Emily suggests Toys R us, Wil says “ahh, they won’t have it” I say “ahh, they won’t have it” we looked aaaaaaaaand they had it….they didn’t have chairs though…

Attempt 8: Staples office supplies – Would’ve been the obvious choice wouldn’t it? It’s in the title: office supplies. And they did have chairs, yes, they had fucking chairs, I was in chair heaven. A massive section devoted to them. Loads of chairs lined up for sitting in. It was chair paradis-120 FUCKING POUNDS CHEAPEST??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

The chair odyssey that started today continues to this day…I know that doesn’t make sense; let’s just say it continues on until tomorrow at least.

Anyway, while as I go in search of the elusive cheap office chair, I leave you with a background to a few of the chairs I have enjoyed over the years.

NUMBER 1: “Ol’ Bluey” – This was my first one, back when I had a Windows 98, I remember that old thing. It wouldn’t turn on unless you held the on button for 9 seconds exactly, it was a blue moon and pigs happened to be flying across the horizon. Didn’t use it for the computer that much, used to sit on it and watch TV. Seat had this horrible blue material, but it was padded and comfy. Simple design, had this adjustable back thing which broke off eventually and it became a stool for a while before I finally got:-

NUMBER 2: “Proper Office chair mach 1” – Ahh, I remember when I got this, it was around the time I got my current computer. This was back when my computer wasn’t filled with viruses and wouldn’t CLOSE THE FUCKING INTERNET BEFORE I’VE HAD A CHANCE TO SAVE MY BLOG SO I HAVE TO WRITE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING AGAIN YOU MOTHERFUCKING C-um, anyway. Had armrests and padded leather seat, ahh it was so comfortable. Then the metal thing attaching the chair to the central column thingy broke off. My dad welded it back on but it didn’t last and so it went off to the magical land of Narnia. (AKA the dump)

NUMBER 3: “Collapsible garden chair” – temporary replacement for proper office chair mach 1, added some cushions to make it more comfortable.

NUMBER 4: “One with stupid fucking wheel problem” – This one may have been proper office chair mach 1 or not, I can’t remember. If this is the one I remember I had it for about 8 months before a wheel broke off and I had to try and reattach it with blu-tac and a fucklot of selotape. My computer desk was falling apart at the time as well, the keyboard bit had fallen off, so even more selotape was required (it’s the only way to fix things). My desk had to have everything in perfect alignment; I had to sit in a certain way and at a certain angle so it didn’t keel over. Eventually gave up and moved onto

NUMBER 5: “Return of collapsible garden chair” – again a replacement for one with stupid fucking wheel problem.

NUMBER 6: “Current one” – The central pillar thing that holds the chair up broke so now instead of staying in place when I pull the levery thing it just sits at the bottom. It was good for a while, rather like office chair mach 1.

So long for now, I gallantly ride on…on my own two feet, in search of the chair of destiny, so long…

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: My Eyes 3: The Trilogy is Complete…For now

My Eyes 3: The Trilogy is Complete…For now
by Stuart Hardy on Sunday, 12 June 2011 at 10:19 ·

So, I had another operation on Monday, so I thought my blog could use another update. I’m becoming like Dreamworks pictures, I’m all about franchises now because I have no new ideas….god I need some new ideas.

Anyway, there’s less to say this time, its just I often find when I’m in my lower points, life has a way of throwing it in your face a bit more than it should. I forgot just how emasculating the whole operation experience was on my previous trip down “sticking shit in your arm with the beep beep in the background and suddenly you’re asleep and then you wake up aching like shit and needing the toilet” avenue. And this time it was worse.

Yes the gowns and shit make you feel like you ought to be doing a little courtesy for the doctors as they sit around looking cool as hell in their blue stuff, no, now Stuart you have to wear stockings…..yes this is true. “ooh pretty stockings and my pretty dress how lovely”

………………….uh, jesus

At least before I could pretend like my testicles were still firmly secure in their existence because I have “GRRR MANLY HAIRY LEGS!!!” but no, pretty tights, with fucking miniature holes in the toes for some reason, and its not like the hole you get in your socks, they’re actually purposefully made and so small that it would cut off the circulation if used for the purpose I assume they were designed for and put around your ankle, its fucking weird.

To make matters worse, I actually woke up in “post-apocalyptic looking decontamination chambery bit that looks like the hospital section out of half-life 2” Disorientated, and couldn’t remember why I was even there, almost wanted to ask the nurse “what of the outside world? Has it stopped raining turnips yet?” Oh the horror!!

I’m only writing this now because I’ve only just recovered from the traumatic memories of being wheeled down a corridor wondering why I can’t feel my legs. In another situation pretending to be a war victim now missing his legs would have been fun but with head banging and seriously needing a piss….not so much. I could pretend to be chomping on a cigar and making dreary monologues about how I’ll never play football with maboy again, instead it was deeply unnerving and uncomfortable.

Anyway, that’s all cap’n stuart crapeye has to say on the matter. Has it worked? Will my eyes cease to be shit?

Well hopefully. If not, I’m guessing my frilly little dress and stockings will get even more girly next time I have an operation. Maybe they’ll make me wear a bonnet and doily.

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: My Eyes 2: The sequel to the odyssey of my shit eyes

My Eyes 2: The sequel to the odyssey of my shit eyes
by Stuart Hardy on Tuesday, 7 September 2010 at 09:36 ·

Well that was my first of what may possibly be many operations in what will hopefully be a long bloated and celebrity alcoholic career for me. For those who neither know nor care, my eyes are shit, well the right one is, was. I’d been going to Moorfields eye hospital in London every three months where they proceeded to tell me “yeah well it might get worse, it hasn’t this time though” “okay…good…I guess” “Oh you need to come back in three months though” “right”………………THREE MONTHS LATER………………………”so has it got worse” “no but it might, come back in three months”.

So apparently this operation will stop having to go back there every three months so they can say the same thing over and over, or so I thought, but this time I went I was there and stuff did happen over and over again just in a different way. This time every 40 minutes or so I was asked “when was the last time you ate and drank?” had my blood pressure taken and asked when my birthday was. I dunno why they ask your birthday to confirm its really you, its plastered all over my facebook for fuck’s sake.

Anyway so they admit me after asking me these question three times and trying to take my blood pressure twice and they let me sit…and sit…and sit….ooh apparently I’m going in, no they just want to LOOK at my eye to tell me AGAIN!! “ooh it could get worse but hasn’t. So I go back out after mum’s thought I’ve gone in to text people saying I’ve gone in. Another half an hour and they come over to me again “finally, am I being taken in?” no we just need to examine your eye again to  plan the operation. They take me to a ward and put me on a bed where an anaesthetist comes in and tells me what they’re gonna do and asks me again “when was the last time you ate or drank?” and gets out a thing that measures blood pressure (heightening every second). And then the guy proceeds to prod around in my eye “this may sting a little” he says before jabbing me in the eye with a blunt instrument and fucking pushing it down so hard that I felt like my eye was being gouged out by zombies like in that film the beyond which I’ve happily sat through twice, never bloody again now this has happened. Anyway then he stops after what seems like ages and suddenly everything in that eyes gone as cell shaded and trippy, loads of purple squares and there’s a load of green fuzzy stuff on on the consultant’s coat and on the lights…cool.

This didn’t last long and I was sent back out to the waiting room where again I waited….and waited….and waited. For three hours. Mum comes back and says “oh, haven’t you gone in yet?” “no” …waited…waited….waited….

Then they call me into the ward with beds in, finally I think, something’s going to happen. They sit me min a chair and the nurse goes away and I wait…and wait…and wait…

For some reason they make you get changed into a patient’s gown, its an eye operation, not a general all of me operation. Apparently its cause they need to monitor my heart rate, well you can shove that under my shirt, what the fuck else dyou need? Its like Neo in the Matrix, we may need to give you over enthusiastic acupuncture and remove one twice a day. Either that or the terminator “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

Its only now I understand why people become doctors cause as I was walking through the surgery bit there were loads of them sat around looking kinda cool in their casual blue worker’s clothes, makes you look professional but cool. And here I am in my pretty patient’s gown that reaches the knees possibly so I can courtesy on my way in to the knights of moorfields that will heal my eye. They make you look like such an incompetent retard “oops I pissed myself again DOIING!!!” That and they make you wear plastic bags over your shoes and one on your hair, its like you’re a survivor of some biohazard apocalypse or something.

The ward with the operating theatre looked such like a level of half-life 2 it was uncanny, there was an automatic door at the start, you walk in and all the doors are the same, same design on the floors. I felt like making a fake handgun with my hand and shooting some combine. That and it was rather sinister when they were about to put me under, looked like that room in nightmare on elm street 4 where the nurse turns around and its Freddy Kruger, certainly didn’t help to ease my anxiety……….I watch too many films, think this is the seventh one that I’ve been reminded of.

Anyway they take me in and tell me to take my shoes off…what was the point in the plastic bags then??? They put a drip in and make me breath in oxygen and suddenly I’m in the dark somewhere. Its like I was dreaming of being blind and there were dogs eating my face off.

I wake up and am being wheeled into the ward again and apparently I’ve been out for two hours when I was meant to be out for one. I’m not making any sense except I know one thing: I AM FUCKING STARVING!!!

Y’see I’m not a maniac when it comes to food but when you can’t eat or drink anything and its taking SOOO BLOOD LONG for them to just knock me out or anything, the tension makes you REALLY REALLY HUNGRY!!!

They give you a sandwich and I wolf it down and spend a while seeing how pissed I feel. I can barely string a sentence together which makes the slightest bit of sense and examine what they’ve put on my eye which looks like a mini-plastic cheese grater and a nappy. Anyway I calm down a bit and am helped home by my parents and chicken is bought and all is well.

Oh yeah but apparently I have to go back tomorrow to get the patch taken off, its tomorrow now and I’m going in in several minutes because apparently they put STITCHES IN MY FUCKING EYE!!! GOD KNOWS WHAT THAT’S GONNA LOOK LIKE!!! FUCK!!!

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: The Skins Drinking Game

by Stuart Hardy on Thursday, 17 February 2011 at 00:17

Since I’ve been watching skins its become obvious how the show works and so I’ve decided to construct the skins drinking game to make the obvious stereotypes and stupid repetitive blandness more bearable. This can be played with any episode in any season, I guarantee you will be drunk by the end of any episode at all.

And yes, I understand a lot of these are based on petty complaints, but my main problem with Skins is when you complain that it isn’t a realistic teen drama like its meant to be, people tell you “its not meant to be serious, its meant to be funny” then when I complain it isn’t entertaining or funny they say “well its meant to be a drama” ….seriously, this show doesn’t do either thing it tries to accomplish well. Everything in it has been done before and better.

So yes, one or more shot with everything you’d expect of skins, play it and see where you reach the point of total drunkenness…I’ve just played it and am making up words.

Just remember though, you don’t need to follow all the rules, that would kill you and your precious liver. Just pick a few and have fun!

  1. One shot every time someone says a random bit of slang, youth oriented or not, that no real person would ever say.
  2. One shot every time someone says some cringe-inducing bad dialogue.
  3. One shot when this bad dialogue is severely overacted.
  4. The whole bottle if you actually laugh at this or react in some way for the reason the writer intended.
  5. One shot every time there is a supposed “joke”.
  6. One shot every time this so called joke falls flat.
  7. Three shots if this so called joke works
  8. One shot in the instance of PEER PRESSURE!!!
  9. The whole bottle when someone refuses to give in to peer pressure like people actually do in real life at least sometimes.
  10. One shot every time we see that the main characters’ families are either broken or arseholes or insane or all three
  11. One shot every time we’re meant to feel sympathy for a character because of this.
  12. Whole bottle when the writer makes it clear a character’s problems have nothing to do with their parents being dicks and are based on the environment they’re in instead and is not the easiest most base explanation of a character’s flaws in emotional development.
  13. One shot when we see two characters have sex.
  14. One shot if we see two characters have sex for no real reason and we do not really get much emotional explanation as to why they fancy each other and is just crowbarred in for the sake of “teenagers just have sex a lot don’t they?”
  15. One shot if the two characters that have sex think they’re in love but can’t seem to stop focusing on how hot they find the other person.
  16. The whole bottle if any contraception is shown or said to have been used.
  17. Whole bottle in the instance of TEENAGE PREGNANCY! (….seriously, you’re a teen drama focusing on social issues and have people fucking without contraception left right and centre….WTF?)
  18. One shot whenever two characters have a conversation about who they find sexually attractive
  19. Two shots every time someone has a deep and meaningful conversation about love which does not solely focus on sexual attraction
  20. Three shots when a girlfriend and boyfriend are shown to be good friends as well as sexual partners.
  21. One shot if the bully is the protagonist of an episode
  22. One shot every time we’re meant to sympathise with said bully
  23. One shot every time the bully attempts to redeem themselves to collect sympathy from the audience or other characters.
  24. Down the whole bottle every time this technique actually works in the way the writer intended
  25. One shot every time a pop/R’N’B song is played
  26. One shot every time a song kids this age will not know is played and is bound to be a suggestion of one of the writers who was last a teenager in the 70’s. (example: Adam and the Ants….WTF????)
  27. One shot every time a drug is mentioned
  28. Two shots every time we see a character take a drug
  29. Three shots every time the consequences of taking said drugs is shown and is actually accurate according to what the pupported drug actually does.
  30. One shot for every time a teacher either overacts or acts more kindly to a student than they would be in real life
  31. One shot every time the word fuck is used more than once in a single scene
  32. Two shots every time the word fuck is used more than once in a sentence and it actually sounds natural and not mind-bogglingly forced.
  33.  One shot when someone says/does something that is supposed to be dramatic but doesn’t in the end either get resolved or add anything to the plot of the series at all and goes FUCKING NOWHERE (this happens at least three times in every episode, at the end of the series I’m always left thinking “where the fuck did that plot thread actually lead again?”).
  34. One shot every time someone hijacks a car for a joyride
  35. The whole bottle if they find they can’t actually drive because they have not passed their driving test or get stopped by the police like people actually do in real life.
  36. I would say one shot every time the comic relief character gets their penis out but it is impossible to absorb that much alcohol
  37. One shot every time someone does something totally out of character.
  38. One shot every time someone does something totally unrealistic or is revealed to posses a quality this character would not posses in real life be (e.g. Tony the sex-obsessed junkie who spends most of his time bullying Sid being smart)
  39. One shot every time someone says or does something hypocritical
  40. Down the whole bottle every time we see a fat person. (… we still believe this is realistic teen drama?)
  41. One shot every time someone is drunk
  42. Two shots every time someone throws up as a result of this.
  43. Down the whole bottle whenever we are actually shown the consequences of anyone’s actions at all.
  44. One shot whenever anyone sleeps round each other’s house (which happens a lot for some reason)
  45. One shot every time anyone wakes up in their own bed (happens at the start of some, but not all episodes)
  46. One shot every time someone cheats or is tempted to cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend.
  47. Whole bottle when they resist the temptation to cheat like some people actually do in real life (are you really falling for all these fucking cliches?)
  48. One shot whenever people go out all night
  49. Two shots whenever anyone has to catch up on sleep or is shown to be tired after having stayed out all night.
  50. One shot when anyone actually does their homework
  51. Two shots whenever an exam happens
  52. Three if anyone actually is seen revising for said exam
  53. One shot if anyone’s parents insult them in a stupid way
  54. One shot every time a kid insults their parents in a stupid way
  55. The whole bottle when a kid actually gets on with BOTH parents
  56. One shot every time a parent acts stupid/like a school kid
  57. One shot every time an underage kid is served alcohol at a bar
  58. Two shots every time anyone is asked for ID (believe it or not, you’re meant to do this, it happens to me and I look about 30 and….seriously, this is just middle aged parents going “kids these days have it so easy”)
  59. One shot when our characters show off their midriffs and its skinny and muscle bound
  60. Two shots whenever a character is actually shown to be working out
  61. One shot for every quick cutting montage
  62. One shot for every time someone is shown to be dancing
  63. Two shots for every time someone is shown to be dancing well
  64. One shot every time someone says something bitchy
  65. One shot every time someone says something bitchy based on absolutely nothing at all and makes no sense in the flow of dialogue
  66. One shot whenever an unknown actor is onscreen
  67. One shot every time we actually see anyone who is famous onscreen
  68. One shot when a character seems totally out of place in a scene (e.g. Rich the metalhead loner being at a massive party at the school)
  69. One shot when we see that a character’s personality does not fit in with the group of friends they are assigned to by the writers.
  70. One shot every time someone lies and the audience knows they are lying
  71. One shot every time someone tells the truth but is assumed to be lying
  72. Three shots whenever anyone actually does anything decent at all
  73. One shot whenever a male character is shown to have any chin based growth at all that he has not bothered to shave since he’s spent all week fucking and taking drugs
  74. Two shots when we see any girl shaving her legs or doing any of her beauty based routine of looking like the supermodel style people we see in skins
  75. One shot whenever someone has got hold of any sort of drug
  76. Two shots whenever we see anyone give these characters money for said drugs because believe it or not DRUGS ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE
  77. The whole bottle if we actually see that any of these characters working a mind-numbingly boring checkout job or something to pay for said drugs
  78. One shot every time you realise that the episode has reversed the roles of two best friends from where one was the immature lesser friend and now when he is not the main character is more assertive and authoritative than when he was in the previous position as protagonist (roles reversed in Rich and Alo episodes in series 5, only one example but this is most blatant)
  79. Down the whole bottle whenever a character remains the same character from one episode to the next
  80. One shot every time someone slaps someone
  81. Two shots every time someone punches someone
  82. Two shots if we actually see them have any bruising or blood because of either of these.
  83. One shot every time someone getting punched makes you pleased said character is suffering. Just kidding you’d be dead after that much booze.
  84. Down the whole bottle if you actually feel sorry for the character suffering
  85. Again another shot when the show decides it wants to make us hate this character then does a complete 360 degree turn to wanting to make us like the character either next episode or five minutes later (decide on your tone ffs!!).
  86. Down two more bottles every time this is done well
  87. All alcohol in the world if anything actually works in the way the writer intended.
  88. The whole bottle when the episode ends – a celebration!!!

…..yeah, call me snide all ya want, I’m just sick of people sticking up for this shit and saying, yeah its gone downhill but series 1 and 2 were good, Skins has always been a cheap teen drama like any other, least in my opinion.

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Stuff you will need to unblock a severely clogged toilet

by Stuart Hardy on Thursday, 18 March 2010 at 01:04

1. several thousand hours of your precious fucking time
2. a toilet plunger (believe me, I’ve scoured hardware shops and the DIY places, I found one very small one, they are rarer than dodos)
3. a long wirey spring sort of thing used for cleaning pipes (not the furry things used for kids stuff and shit, big nasty heavy duty things that go “GRRR!!!”)
4. A coat hanger (for first attempt before you obtain long wirey thing and is about as useful as a teapot made out of human faeces that looks like a cadbury’s creme egg)
5. rubber gloves (essential, although the rubber should be longer and extend to shoulders in severe situations, otherwise the water gets in and your hands are still covered in soggy toilet paper)
6. a very strong stomach (preferably don’t eat for at least eleventy billion hours before attempting this or you’ll throw up and it gets even worse. I suggest ingesting some titanium to reinforce the walls of your stomach. Either that or eating someone’s heart to gain their courage or something, anything’s good)
7. or if you can’t find 6 (which I definitely couldn’t) sheer stubborn-ness and tightfistedness and fear where strange plumber people are concerned, this will also do)
8. buckets…lots and lots of buckets (one designated as piss bucket if you have to go during de-clogging….only kidding, just hold it in ya bastard)
9. bleach or any form of disinfectant
10. clothes with stuff on them or holes and stuff, that you don’t really care about and were gonna chuck away or give to a charity shop anyway but just never got round to it
11. lots of sponges and cloths and stuff to soak up the flood of water
12. a staff like has gandalf to hold back the tides, or being jesus so you can walk on water would be good too in this situation
13. the ability to not give up halfway through and go bash your head against a wall because it won’t fucking work, god why the hell won’t it work?
14. to not be too smug about it if you do unblock it otherwise karma determines that it will happen again immediately
15. a decontamination shower afterwards and severe mental counselling

Job Done!

I love how at the end of this video the narrator says “well done, you’ve been very brave” its so damn comforting I could cry in happiness

by the way mum and dad you are banned from commenting on this :p


My eyes

by Stuart Hardy on Friday, 23 January 2009 at 21:21

Well, I just had a fun experience, I just went to the hospital, not because I dislocated my knee which I seem to do every 9 months or so, but because I was told I have a retina detaching….3 months ago, I was told this three fucking months ago. Now its 3 months down the line, I finally get the long delayed appointment and lo and behold: it’s fixed itself! HAHAHAHA!!! Y’know, I don’t approve of people advocating private health and all this “NHS is shit, lets close it” attitude that we’ve been seeing more of recently but……HAHAHAHA!!! Just fucking hilariously bad form there. Apparently a retina had detached or something, dunno the whole technical shit about it, but it sealed itself and is meant to have happened ages ago, and I did not notice, this really just shows how unobservant I am, and this fucking involved my observation anyway, how the hell did I not notice that I had a detached retina? Well it did take me about 2 months after it happened to find out that Isaac Hayes is dead, maybe I really am unobservant…………….what did I just say again?

Best thing about it was that they gave me these eye drops which made my pupils all massive and made it feel like I had no eyes. For a moment it was really, really unsettling, cos, I’m an avid horror film fan and am no stranger to seeing someone with eyes sliced out of their sockets…and now look at me. And I’m told to not touch my eyes for twenty minutes until it wears off, why does this always happen? If you want to touch something, apparently you’re not meant to, okay that sounded wrong, but back in context for a second. Saying don’t touch really doesn’t detract from my desire to do something, okay? My eyes have been removed from their sockets and I just wanna see if I poke it the eyelid sorta bends inward or something. I mean yeah, I can see, but WHERE THE FUCK DID MY FUCKING EYES GO??

Then when that calmed down, my vision went all blurry and I lost the ability to read, which was just fucking hilarious. It was like I’d become a white trash redneck, can’t even read a sign saying “PLEASE DO NOT ENTER” let alone the essay question I was meant to be doing for homework. Fucking hilarious, I was a hillbilly for about five hours, couldn’t read a thing, all I needed to go with that was eleven kids, no brain cells and scurvy, and then I’d be the real thing. There was that and this made me feel kinda high. I mean, I don’t take drugs, but its like my hand was waving around in front of my face in front of a paper background, fucking weird, couldn’t focus on anything. Might explain why I kicked a plant over thinking it was a small child, dunno what came over me there. I was like this for a few hours afterwards, it was really weird, like when I came close to things, my eyes started to bleed, kind of like when I saw Titanic, only slightly less EXCRUCIATING than that.

Anyway, that’s basically all I came on to say, don’t really know why I bothered, but anyway. My eyes are back to normal now, if I tried tyoping thisn while noet being abel too see the keyjboard thenn I might make evem more spwelling mistakes thant I usually do. Apparently I have to go back in 3 months for another checkup, so if its anything like this time, I should end up going back about…July…August, I’ll go with August. Great, exams on the way, knowing my luck, I’ll probably have a detatched retina for that. So my entire future pretty much depends on the hospital’s ability not to fuck up again…………………we’ll just wait and see how that turns out.

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: The Making of Documentary

This is from my blog archieve hidden in the depths of my hard drive. May contain spelling mistakes and teenage whining, you have been warned.

Can’t quite remember the context, I have no idea what DVD special features caused me to write this, I guess we’ll never know

Tuesday, Dec 18, 2007

There are so many special features on DVDs. It’s not like the good old days of video when the picture was so blurry you couldn’t even tell how fake everything looks. Yeah, fake, seriously, I watched star wars episode 2 on DVD, droids actually look like they’re made of Lego bricks, on VHS, its blurry enough for you to go “well its crap, but I buy it”.

Anyway, I never watch ALL of the special features, only ones that look vaguely interesting, and they rarely are. Deleted scenes, they sound interesting, but then you watch them and then realise that the reason why they were deleted in the first place was that they were either bullshit or pointless.

Anyway, its like, a tonne of features, I just don’t give a shit about them and they all just seem the same. But people like them, so I’m including these on my upcoming DVD about the importance of being self important.

Here’s the complete list:

Director’s commentary

Commentary on the Director’s commentary

Making of the Director’s commentary

Commentary on the making of the Director’s commentary

Making of the commentary on the making of the Director’s commentary

Interviews with the cast

Interviews with the crew

Interviews with homeless people

Interview with random people that we don’t know and who don’t even like the film anyway

Interviews with other writers and directors who are most likely much better than us

The making of all of the interviews listed above.

Photo gallery

Explicit photo gallery

Incriminating photo gallery

Deleted scenes

Extended scenes

Scenes that we pissed on

Scenes that we used as cigarette lighters

Scenes that got destroyed in a fire and most likely will never be seen again

The making of the scenes that got destroyed in a fire and most likely will never be seen again


Making of the trailer

Commentary on the making of the trailer

Trailer for the trailer

Trailer for the making of the trailer

5 TV spots for the trailer

17 TV spots for the trailer for the trailer

A trailer for something completely unrelated

Fifty four alternate endings

Commentary on all fifty four alternate endings

Making of the commentary on thirty seven of the alternate endings

A featurette on twelve of the alternate endings

Commentary on the featurette on twelve of the alternate endings

A featurette on why featurettes suck

A featurette that rips you off by only being one second long and having nothing to do with the film in question

A making of documentary on the film sicked up to please people that watch the special features instead of watching the film which is actually entertaining compared with this crap

The making of the making of documentary

Commentary on both of the above

Three hundred and sixty two Easter eggs

A one thousand page booklet on the complex methods you will have to use in order to find said Easter eggs

Free psychiatric sessions to help you recuperate afterwards

DVD ripping software which allows you to just rip the Easter eggs instead of having to go to the trouble of finding them

A magic spell that just makes the DVD player play the Easter eggs

A music video which may or may not have anything to do with the film in question

A commentary on the music video

Interviews with the crew for the music video

A featurette which is just a blank screen

And “That’s it – a featurette on the special features”