Stevie the Squirrel is Gay

They keep turning me down on grounds of taste, I think this one is more likely to convince them of my merit as a children’s author, and it also tackles important things in a child’s growth and emotional development. See what you think.



One Day when Stevie the Squirrel came into class he felt strange.

It all started when he saw Hagrid the phallic shaped wombat sat a few desks away from his.

He felt funny, but it was a nice sort of funny.

But he was probably looking at the wombat for too long, as people noticed.

When he was leaving school that afternoon, he was cornered by Lenny the Leopard, Carl the crow, and Randy the pit bull terrier that was bright purple and had a massive head for some reason.

“Stevie’s gay!!” shouted Lenny the Leopard “I saw him looking at that Wombat that looks like a willy!”

“So they started hitting Stevie very hard and whipping him with towels.

And then Randy the pit bull terrier jumped on Stevie and started hitting him with his abdomen.

And then Lenny the Leopard went wee wee on his face.

“Bet you homos love that!” said Lenny the Leopard, smiling.

Then the bullies went away and felt all funny about what they had just done.

Stevie sat there crying for a little bit.

Until Sandy the screamingly camp Pheasant came along.

“What is wrong little squirrel?” asked Sandy “were those bullies picking on you?”

“Sniff…they said I’m gay because I was looking at that wombat that looks like a willy” said Stevie “but I couldn’t help it”.

“Oh, its okay” said Sandy “if you’re gay, it doesn’t matter, don’t listen to them, lots of people are gay and its no big deal”

“Really?” sniffed Stevie.

“Of course not” said Sandy “now lets go to a leather bar, it’ll be lots of fun”.

So Stevie and Sandy went to a leather bar with Hortence the Nympho kitten and Billy the sadomasochistic badger with a leather fetish who liked to be tied up and whipped.

The end!
Yes, I only drew this because I thought a badger in a leather gimp suit would be funny.

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.


“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”


But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.


“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.


So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.


“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.


“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.


“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.


But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.


“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.


Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.


“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.


“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.


“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.


Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.


They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.


They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.


“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.


“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.


“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.


“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.


“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.


But they were shocked at what they found.


They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.


“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.


There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.


And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.


And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.


Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.


They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.


And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….

Children’s Stories: Sally the Snake Deals With Some Bullies

Well, a few months gone by and continuous growth of my pile of rejection letters. Why, why can I not make it in the world of children’s publishing? I seriously don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I thought Wilfred the wolf and the teenage pregnancy was a shoe-in, but no apparently there are questions regarding taste.

Anyway, keeping with the idea to deal with issues relevant to children, I was inspired this year to write a children’s book about bullying after N-dubz were dropped from a governmental bullying campaign. Honestly, I would make a perfect representative for anti-bullying among kids, and now I’ve got the material to back it up. See what you think

1. front cover



It was sally the snake’s first day at school and she was really excited.

2. it was sally the snake's first day at school and she was really excited


But as they were getting to school, Sally’s parents had something to say that made her feel funny.

3. but as they were getting to school Sally's parents had something to say that made her feel funny


“Now sweetheart” said Daddy snake “You be careful! Some kids don’t like us snakes, don’t let anyone push you around”

4. now sweetheart said daddy snake you be careful, some kids don't like us snakes, dont let anyone push you around


“…um, okay”, said Sally, feeling nervous now.

5. um, okay, said Sally feeling nervous now


She went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom.

6. she went in excited though and found her seat in her brand new classroom


“What are you meant to be?” asked Helen the horse “You don’t even have any limbs”.

7. what are you meant to be asked helen the horse you don't even have any limbs


“I bet she’s really stupid too” said Otis the owl. “My mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist. I bet she couldn’t even serve MacDonald’s since she’s so slimy”.

8. I bet she's really stupid too said otis the owl my mummy and daddy say I could be a famous scientist bet she couldn't even serve macdonalds since she's so slimy


“Now now class, settle down” said Mr talking banana type thing as he came in. “Lets begin” he said.

9. now now class settle down said mr talking banana type thing as he came in lets begin


But Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and Mr talking banana type thing didn’t even notice.

10. but Sally was running from the room crying her eyes out and mr talking banana type thing didnt notice


She sat in the toilet crying for hours and didn’t want to go back to class because she didn’t have any hands to dry her eyes.

11. she sat in the toilet for hours crying and didn't want to go back to class because she didnt have any hands to dry her eyes


When she had finished crying, sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out.

12. when she had finished crying sally went out to break but she was caught by those bullies when she came out


“There she is” said Otis “the weirdo, lets get her”.

13. there she is said otis the weirdo, lets get her


Fred the ferret pushed Sally’s face in the mud.

14. Fred the ferret pushed Sally's face in the mud


She was very upset and started crying when Otis the owl started pecking her head.

15. she was very upset and started crying when otis started pecking her head


“Crybaby!!” shouted Helen the horse.

16. crybaby shouted Helen the horse


Sally was very unhappy when Daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didn’t want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset.

17. sally was very unhappy when daddy snake picked her up from school later but she didnt want to tell him about the bullies as she was too upset


Sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies. She knew what she would do tomorrow.

18. sally sat in bed that night thinking about how she could deal with the bullies she knew what she would do tomorrow


The next day she headed to the woodwork classroom.

19. the next day she headed to the head's office near the woodwork classroom


“Hey, wonder where that weirdo is,” said Otis the owl as class was about to start when all of a sudden, Sally came in.

20. hey wonder where that weirdo is said otis the owl as class was about to start when Sally came in


She had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked all cross.

21. she had a chainsaw in her mouth and looked angry


“…um…what is she doing with that?” asked Otis, but it was too late.

22. um what is she doing with that asked Otis, but it was too late


Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse.

23. Sally was already busy taking care of Helen the bitchy horse



Sally slithered over Helen’s corpse happily.

24. Sally slithered over Helen's corpse happily



“This is fun” said Sally as she took care of Otis

25. this is fun said sally as she took care of otis



and Fred the ferret.

26. and Fred the Ferret



But Derrick the cute innocent little duckling accidentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw.

27. but derrick the cute innocent little duckling accideentally got killed in the confusion when sally dropped her chainsaw

Sally was shocked at what she had done.

28. Sally was shocked at what she had done
And she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison.

29. and she spent the rest of her life going mad in prison

30. end

The End!!!

seriously, this is getting ridiculous, why does no one want to publish me?

Children’s Stories: Wilfred the Wolf and the Teenage Pregnancy

Well those of you still interested in my quest to get a kid’s book published ought to know that the last one I was actually commissioned to do got turned down. They actually bloody asked me to do a pamphlet on the life cycle of the bedbug to put kid’s minds at ease and they didn’t like it. Apparently it wasn’t entirely factually correct, how do they know that? What sort of sad bastard actually studies bedbugs? Jesus Christ.

Anyway, in the mean time, with the news that plans are being implemented for kids as young as five to be taught sex education for some strange reason I thought I’d be the first to get on the bandwagon. I’ve sent this off to “parenting advice, education and development organisation” or “PAEDO” for short, and I’m kind of regretting it. They may turn me down again, just look at this story and tell me whether you think I’ve got a shot at getting this published.

Wilfred the wolf came into school on Monday and sat with his new girlfriend Chardonnay the slutty mongoose.
“Today” said Mr Talking Banana type thing “We’re going to learn about sex education”

But Wilfred wasn’t paying attention, he was too busy feeling up his girlfriend’s boobies under the table.

So Wilfred wasn’t listening when Mr banana type thing was explaining about the condom, the most important invention since the wheel.

After school; Wilfred and Chardonnay decided to go back to hers since her parents weren’t home.

Wilfred and Chardonnay said that they loved each other so much they would get in the same bed together and so they did.

And then they did something.

Wilfred didn’t call Chardonnay and avoided her at school for a week afterwards for some reason. He just played video games and boasted to his friends. Until one day…

…the phone rang and Wilfred went to answer it

“Hello?” said Wilfred.

“Hello” said chardonnay “You’ll never believe this but..I’m pregnant”

Wilfred didn’t know what to say.

He then got really sad and started drinking a drink that made him all cross.

And he cried himself to sleep every night.

Chardonnay went to Petey the penguin at the abortion clinic and had an abortion since she didn’t think she could raise a child with Wilfred.

But she ended up getting so unhappy that she hung herself.

Trying to cope with the pain, Wilfred turned to drug abuse to forget.

but then he overdosed and died.

The End!!!

Children’s Stories: The Life Cycle of The Bedbug

Well those of you who are following my efforts to get a kid’s book published should know that my last attempt which I called “The crow made out of feet” was sent off to a publisher….it came back with some extensive notes about it, particularly the ending. They were quite foul-mouthed for a kid’s books publisher. Anyway, you’re in luck though because I have actually been comissioned to write a book informing kids the real facts about bedbugs. We all know the rhyme “night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” well that’s apprantly been traumatising kids over the years which means they stay up all night screaming about something or other. So to set kid’s minds at rest, here is a Stuart guide to the life cycle of the bedbug

One night Henry the top hat wearing hippopotamus was putting his son Harold to bed.

“Night, night” said Henry “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite”.

“I won’t Daddy” said Harold and he slowly drifted off to sleep.

But little did Harold know that the bedbugs had started burrowing inside his flesh the second he got into bed.

They got inside his skin using a specially made flesh drill.

They lived inside Harold, laid their eggs and grew steadily in number.

Then one of the bedbugs found his heart and decided to tuck in.

Eating Harold’s heart made the bedbug grow big and strong.

Harold woke up in the morning and felt strange. His sides started hurting.

Then all of a sudden the tentacles of the bedbug growing inside of him started to burst out.

He tried to go to his parents for help but he was still changing.

Even by the time he reached his mummy and daddy’s room the bedbug was still growing and had begun to split his ribcage open.

“Ahh, its horrible” cried Hermione, Harold’s mother “Kill it!”

“Leave it to me” said Henry and drew his gun.

Henry fired at the monster.

So Harold the hideous bed-bug-hippopotamus mutant freak thing died; all because he had let the bedbugs bite.


What? Why are you looking at me like that?

…………….alright I’ve been inside doing revision all day and I’ve gone a bit weird, okay? That’s why.

Children’s Stories: The Crow Made Out of Feet

Some of you may remember my attempt at writing a kid’s book entitled “Vernon the Giraffe and the war on drugs”. Well since then I’ve been to a publisher and asked about possible publication….that was a very animated discussion that was, the words “satanic” and “sick weirdo” came up at least three times….bastards.

So unfortunately for now there is no market for Vernon the Giraffe and the war on drugs or its planned but never written sequel “Vernon the Giraffe and the Teenage Pregnancy” or the third instalment “Vernon the Giraffe’s adventures in a US military prison in the middle east”.

So not letting this get me down I went away and started to formulate plans for another book. I thought I was probably focusing too much upon the educational messages (that and it was mostly political and I realized how much I dislike people trying to push their views on kids) So this is a neutral and non-impressionable book that’s just about the characters and plot. So here I present:

Once upon a time there was a crow made out of feet. He was a happy crow and did not mind his smell.

But his brothers did mind the smell, they minded as much as a crow could mind a smell.

So one of them thought of a plan to get rid of the crow made out of feet.

So one day when the crow made out of feet was sat on the park bench cooing away, one of his brothers came over to him in tears.

“What is wrong?” asked the crow made out of feet?

“Sniff…there is a man in the park with a gun, he has slain my family. I would stand up to him but I’m so scared” said the crow.

The crow made out of feet decided to go and have a stern talk with the man with the gun.

But when he got to the place he heard the man was he found that there was no one there.

The crow made out of feet was about to leave when all of a sudden.

His brothers came rushing at him with axes,

they started hitting him quite hard and the crow made out of feet said “ow” lots.

One of the axes split his head open.

Then his brothers went wee-wee on his corpse.

The crow that was made out of feet was dead and would smell no more.

what? Don’t look at me like that!!!
So does anyone think any publisher will buy the rights to this?

Children’s Stories: Vernon The Giraffe

I dunno why I decided to do this, boredom may be one reason. A lot of famous people write children’s stories when they stop being on the front page of the tabloids every day and people have stopped caring about them and their pointless vacuous escapades, but enough about Madonna. Kid’s books are just about the easiest thing to write because they’re so simple, you do have to include some specific things though

1. animals, kids love animals, especially talking animals
2. really really simple narrative style, just simple words, no real description
3. a plot that teaches kids something – that’s important, kids need to learn…apparantlyAnd my book’s got all 3, the main character is Vernon the Giraffe who wanders around in a crazy weird world of animals and shit, I got the simple narration, and the plot definitely gives a decent educational message, so I present
One day, Vernon the Giraffe was walking down the street.
When suddenly he spied Trevor the Seal over by the Crack Den.
“Hey Vernon” said Trevor “Wanna buy some Crack? It’s very cheap”
Vernon wasn’t sure, he knew some people liked drugs, but he didn’t and believed they did nothing for you.
So he clubbed Trevor the Crack Smoking Seal to death.
Then Vernon had an idea.
He decided to get the government to stop people smoking drugs.

And the government decided to because they were stupid.

And then Vernon could walk down the street, free of crime and other bad things.

But then Vernon saw Pedro the Cat and Gary the gigantic mutant snail type thing fighting.

And that was when Vernon realised that drugs aren’t as big a problem as he’d first thought.

So Vernon and the surviving members of the drug-dealing Seal family smoked crack all day long and everything was happy.

Until Gary the gigantic mutant snail type thing Overdosed and died.

I reckon kids can relate to it…………….I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Don’t take this seriously, I know where you live