As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.
One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.
“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.
“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”
But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.
“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.
So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.
“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.
“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.
“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.
But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.
“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.
Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.
“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.
“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.
“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.
Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.
They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.
They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.
“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.
“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.
“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.
“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.
“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.
But they were shocked at what they found.
They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.
“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.
There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.
And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.
And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.
Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.
They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.
And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.
….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….