I’ve made it no secret to almost everyone I’ve met over the years that I don’t have any knowledge, understanding of or interest in one of our nation’s most overindulged pastimes: football.
The reason I’m such a smarmy prick about it is because whenever someone starts talking to me about football; because they assume its a topic of small talk that literally everyone is interested in (I start hearing white noise whenever anyone starts talking about it,) and when I say in response: “I don’t really know anything about football,” the reaction is usually kind of zealotish. They say “well you’re got to have a passion! Don’t you have passion?” Why am I supposed to be an unpassionate, sterile robot with no enthusiasm for anything just because I don’t see why people attach such significance to a game people play? I have passion for lots of stuff, but apparently sport’s just more special than everything else.
And people say “well if you don’t care, just ignore it,” well its kinda hard to when my commute’s reading material, the Metro, starts wasting the entire first quarter of their paper on circular world cup coverage:
NEWSFLASH: OPENING CEREMONY HELD IN A PLACE…..slow news day?
So since the Metro’s statement of intent to turn their paper into a cycle of: “this team did a thing last night” for the next…however long the world cup goes on for; I decided to do some research for me and the other people in this country who really couldn’t give a toss about football, cause guess what? There’s around 52 million people in this country, and I doubt that world cup coverage gets 51 million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine viewers and it really is just me that didn’t watch. I’d wager those of us uninterested in football probably outnumber the people that love it by quite a bit.
So yeah: here is the user friendly guide to how the emotionally complex game of football works. Basically:
is pushed into this goal by a team’s feet
And the other team try and stop them and put it in the other goal with their feet.
….Look I’ve done a helpful little diagram in case this is too complicated
Yeah I know, requires a lot of attention this game, doesn’t it? Leaves me scratching my head and begging newspapers to endlessly tell me all the intricate details of this expansive network of topics related to the act of putting a ball in a goal spread across like eight pages:
Wow! Right so, lemme get this straight and lay all this out; so, basically: people get excited about footballl……okay I’m still trying to digest this so, um, could we get it more in layman’s terms so I understand the complexity here?
Hmm….still having trouble understanding here, can you papers try and help me understand by reporting the words “THE FOOTBALL WAS ON LAST NIGHT” on every other page for the next few months? I’m sure there’s a reason for doing that……I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it’ll come to me.