He Who Moans: Review of An Adventure in Space and Time



While An Adventure in Space and Time was really very good, as Doctor Who Nostalgists we’re probably giving it more credit than its actually due as a feature length TV movie. And one of my main criticisms is more based on what it didn’t do than what it did do.

Stubagful NaNoWriMo 2013: Future Highs: 40’000 words

This is becoming a lapsed effort blogging wise. Usually my NaNoWriMo attempts are starting to slump by this point. My stupid drugs are made legally compulsary idea is not different at the moment. I’ve finished my “Before” section covering all the precautions put in place by the drug commission, I’m now moving into after and how events spiral from quiet, hungry mellow people giggling turns into full scale LSD inspired world war as laid out in my prologue.

I’ve split Part 2 into two sections covering all events leading up to war, then all events after. Here’s a brief rundown of how part 2 looks at the moment. I’m definitely not going to be done with this story at 50’000. Honestly writing the set word count every day is becoming stressful and I’m kinda glad the month’s almost up so I can pace myself a bit better. Still, I’ve got a lot of ideas to play with at the moment. So here’s a layout of how we follow up on the bill getting passed and everyone being required by law to light up, ingest or inject.

Part 2: After – Chapter Breakdown

More History – a more in depth look at how the innovative change in US society turned into a global issue and how almost every nation of Earth made drugs compulsary and the war that followed.

1. NEWS CLIPPING – LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET – CHANEL MYTON CAUGHT NOT SMOKING! COHERENT THOUGHT EXPRESSED! Yeah its basically a joke inversion of how the news media approaches drugs in the form of news article.

2. The Hiesenfeld Initiative – a new drama from Showtime – Episode 1
A couple of excerpts from a dramatisation about making drug law compulsary. Highly stylized and containing a few hints on what has been uncovered about the bumpy last few days of coherency since we left off Part 1.

3. “DEBATE SHOW TALK SHOW” – Transcript from news debate show set up following a government bill for transparency (Transparency had its definition changed to mean what opaque used to mean in 2137, Opaque now means translucent) Hosted by spokeswoman Ruth Powers – BROADCAST 11/11/2144
Marvin Hayes has now been made head of the DUCA commission following public scandals. Though surprisingly its revealed there have been very few major crimes committed under the new regime as everyone’s too stoned to be able to muster up the energy to do anything illegal.

4. Jase Edwards – DUCA International advisor – 34 Years till Belgium – December 2144
Now put in charge of dealing with foreign dignitaries from the New Swedish empire of European nations for peace and global harmony, Jase is depressed and can’t be dealing with making compulsation an international issue. Since marijuana became a constant day to day thing, its since stopped affecting him whatsoever and now his life is dealing with a temperamental Marvin and ironing out the cracks in the poorly written incoherent drug law.

5.  TRANSCRIPT FROM POST DUCA LOCAL ACCESS TELEVISION INTERVIEW SLOT “FOLKS ROUND THESE PARTS” – Former spokeswoman for anti drug lobby PAF (Parents Against Fun) Justine Florestine, speaks to local host Gandalf Worsorf about her organisation’s approach to campaigning legally in a post-compulsation America. She ends up realising she’s wasting her life watching her last dreary march against drug law.

6. Michelle Cowdry – Material Manager – December 2144
Michelle and Marvin are living together, mostly still in relationship because the’re secretly working on the loopholes they’ve found in drug law allowing the President to be off his meds of whatever drug he wishes realising he could do or say anything dangerous. Both are stressed because these loopholes exist because they were supposed to iron them out before drug law was past but didn’t and they’ve been working nights checking officially documents and using ink remover and switching words around. Michelle runs into a homeless and desperate Justine Florestine in the street and invites her home where she can find out all about what’s been happening at DUCA.

A rather unsettling notice from PAF leader Justine Florestine that they’re disbanding and reforming and taking more affirmative action.

8. Jase Edwards – DUCA International advisor – 34 Years till Belgium – December 2144
Michelle has been away a while when Marvin shows up and says he’s found out about the loopholes. They’re then invited a war cabinet meeting at the pentagon where the new president, a paranoid power mad man with a head that looks like a potato and his Vice President, his pink suited son called Melvin, give a speech on the dangers of the New Swedish Empire of European Nations for peace and global harmony and how they should probably nuke them just to be safe. Marvin suggests they both relocate to one of the six remaining drug free nations. Jase reluctantly agrees.

9. MIA-Z: FROM HERE ON OUT – A GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA FILM – FIRST BROADCAST  12/12/2134 – script from a furthur government propaganda film about drug technology that’s adapting to suit the changing climate through expansion of the manufacturing industry to cope with the massive overspend on manufacturing compulsary substances for all citizens.

10. The diary of a Russian/American immigrant at an internment camp detailling how integrating immigrants from drug-free nations into compulsary society works.

11. Judith Barret – former seniour materials manager for DUCA
Judith has been kidnapped by the church of the New Rising Eyes Cream, the hardcore evangelical anti-drug religion who have set up a convent in an unknown woodland area where they are free to live their lives not getting stoned cut off from society. Judith’s job now is to gather inside information on a spy inside the DUCA commission working for a drug free nation looking to knock the US off the global hegemony perch.

As is obvious, the plot’s kind of getting out of hand since I got halfway. I think maybe I’m trying to do too much at once, but I didn’t realise just how many implications this central idea would have. One societal inversion has massive implications across the board. Once I’ve got all of part 2 done (which’ll probably be at the 50’000 word end of this difficult month) I’ll go back and do some redrafting and update.

I’m probably going to end up shoving this up as a PDF eventually just for the hell of it rather than vanity (though it technically would be vanity publishing). Though it may take QUITE a while. And yes, these updates are more for my benefit than yours so I can get a firmer grasp on my story’s structure….yeah failed didn’t it. Anyway, nearly done with this scramble for words so that’s something.

An Out of Context Review of Bernard’s Watch


Bernard’s watch was a show about a kid given a magic watch that can stop time and it made me insanely jealous of his magic powers when I was a kid.

I apologise, I know I haven’t done this incredible show justice. Its THAT good.

Pink Room by Angelo Badalamenti (Warner Bros)
Bernard’s Watch footage used for review (owned by ITV)
Mercyful Fate by Metallica (Vertigo)

METROBLOG: Dear Metro advert commissioner: Um…what the shit do you call this?

I saw this in the Evening Standard a few days ago and was exasperated beyond belief. I couldn’t believe that this made it through their advertising department to print and I was going to blog on it but I held off. Now its shown up in the Metro this morning and I seriously cannot believe that NO ONE has noticed what its implying and just how….this is the year 2013 right? Did I accidentally stumble into a TARDIS and arrive in a time before feminism happened?

scan0001…if you are not SERIOUSLY questioning the mental state of your fellow man after seeing this advert then you’re beyond help, I’m sorry. At first you may think “okay, so its saying, she’s homeless because she’s spent so much money on shoes” but then why is she naked behind a bit of card that says “aaaaanything for shoes”? I mean, yeah maybe she can’t afford clothes because she’s bought too many shoes but her pose and the “anything for shoes” just makes you immediately think that that’s what this advert is saying: women are whores for some good shoes……women will let you fuck them in exchange for shoes…….


….aaaaand society has failed right there, I’ve pinpointed the moment when some marketing fuck officially doomed mankind by not realising what a monumentally insulting advert this is.

Really, if this can go all the way from conception, to pitching, to shoot, to production, through the Evening Standard’s marketing commissioning through an editor to FUCKING PRINT right the fuck in front of me calling women prostitutes for shoes…….and for that entire process to happen AGAIN in the Metro a few days later………in two thousand and thirteen…really, am I wrong here?

Yes I would call myself a feminist, in the sense that I think women should be paid equally, have all the same rights and freedoms as men and not be judged purely as a sex object by men, and yes I also agree that people who aren’t a member of a certain group of people telling them what to be offended by sound incredibly patronising like I am right now. But please tell me I’m not alone in being gobsmacked by this. Is this completely inoffensive and harmless?

And also look at this altered version I’ve done below and tell me if it does anything to the tone of this advert whatsoever

willsuck4shoesYeah, didn’t think so.

Stubagful NaNoWriMo 2013: Future Highs: Halfway – 25000.

I’m starting to doubt I’ll be finished with this story by 50000 words, which is fine. NaNoWriMo isn’t about finishing your novel, its about being 50000 of a novel which I intend to do by the end of the month.

I started with trying to figure out how a government commission would set this up but the more I thought about it, more implications came up. Wouldn’t compulsary drug law cause incoherency in government? Well undoubtedly but what if an ambitious pretender to the throne of global superpower were to use it to their advantage? So yeah, I’m taking the whole “drugs make you paranoid shtick” and constructing that narrative where there’s three organisations that come up quite a lot who could be working drug law to their own ends.

I’ve finished part one covering before and a little bit of Part 2: After, which I’ve decided to split into two sections (more on that when I reach 30000)

I’m not going to post excerpts from the narrative as that’d be a bit useless, so instead I’ll give you a rundown of what I’ve written so far (this being as much for my benefit as y….yeah no one’s reading this so yeah just my benefit)

Chapter breakdown

Prologue – A Little Bit of History
See my second post in my NaNoWriMo category

PART 1: Before

1. DUCA (Drug Unfied Compulsation Act) Commencement date speech by Arthur Hiesenfeld – 02/12/2133
I’ve posted this as well – basically establishing where all the information in the story fits at the start of it.

2. Marvin Hayes – Senior Press advisor – December 2133
Each chapter is told in third person perspective and the narrator slips in that this narrative is actually an historical analysis of events on occasion. We begin with Marvin arriving at the White House to find the DUCA commission’s prepared files have been sabotaged and four years of work need to either be found or reconstructed to coincide with compulsary drug taking start date and the commission panics.

3. “As Your Are Told” – News Debate show transcript from broadcast on 21/12/2133
Your general sensationalist news debate show breaks down over the issue of the bumbling DUCA department as all participants in the debate offer differing and stupid opinions on the lost files disaster. We get introduced to Ruth Powers, a journalist soon to become government spokeswoman for DUCA and Justine Florestine, a radical leader of anti-drug lobby PAF: Parents Against Fun who will play an important role later on in the book.

4.  Judith Barret – Materials manager – December 2133
Judith visits her father in a care home for the mentally ill where he gathers online conspiracy theories regarding DUCA and an internet cult claiming inside knowledge. Marvin demands Judith listen to her father and conduct furthur research because some of what he says tallies with a ransom video sent by the saboteurs.

5. Excerpt from “The Drug Hut Official Employee Training manual”
Lays out procedure for the government institutions to dispense public substances and introduces the mysterious new invention: the MIA-Z chip surgery.

6. Jase Edwards – Materials Supervisor – February 2134
Its been a couple of months and no furthur clues as to who’s sabotaging government preparations of the drug mire and work is progressing slowly. New materials assistant director Jase and Marvin’s ex-girlfriend Michelle, advisor to the vice president, have been dropping acid in a test to see if they can still do their jobs and obey the law.

7. Excerpt from Drug Police Department (DPD) handbook chapter 2
Lays out the daily procedure and key offences to be dealt with by the special force to keep the high up among the general populace.

8. Gerald Harding – Vice President – May 2134
The vice President is treated apallingly by the department because of his controversial public life. He has secret back room deals with a cocaine wholesaler whose shady boss demands taxpayer funds to gain exclusive rights to its sale. Gerald has his doubts over his motivations.

9. The Epistle of St Moremooshi III of the Church of the New Rising Eyes Cream – Religious political commentary site – August edition – 21/07/2134
These are clippings from a conspiratorial site run by a founder of an insane anti-drug religion which appears to be influenced by drugs but is violently against them.

10. Judith Barret – August 2134
Judith and her father attend a meeting of members of the Church of the New Rising Eyes Cream and find him to be a nutbar but one with surprising insight into government initiatives yet to be announced who makes aloof references to someone inside DUCA working to disrupt it and hand global power the US holds to a country denying drug law with designs on being the next superpower.

11. The MIA-Z Chip Surgery – A Government documentary on new drug technology
The MIA-Z chip is inserted into the pineal gland and causes a permanent high. This is a transcript from a government informercial/documentary on how it works and why it’s the best option for citizens of the new utopia.

12. Marvin Hayes – September 2134 – START DATE
Marvin takes the start date and President Harding’s announcements moodily. His department is on nothing stronger than pot as its illegal to do anything harder in his job class, a system whereby jobs are classed on their usefulness and ability to do them while stoned.
Gerald is missing for two days when he shows up at a shopping district where Marvin takes his disappearance and claims of kidnap and forced surgery sarcastically.
Gerald is then killed when an unseen force takes a bite out of his house and he vanishes.
The nation is in shock and Marvin finds that Gerald sent him his diaries from the last eight months. Marvin reads them as he slides into depression.

13. The Era of Hiesenfeld – A 6th grade historical essay by Marmozet Flueison
An incoherent child’s essay on the President that started this experiment and what were the key factors in the brave social experiment’s conception and untimely downfall.

And from then on its Part 2: After where we focus more on Gerald’s journals detailling the corporate side of the new and legal drug’s industry. Judith is working for the church. And Marvin and Jase decide maybe they should do a runner to one of the nations opposing the UN resolution on international drug law: Belgium.

Call me crazy but this is still draft 1 and making it up as you go along is the point.

METROBLOG: Why interviewing moviestars is ultimately pointless: Rob Lowe is playing Kennedy in a movie

This entry is going to focus on something media related which the Metro are guilty of, but it isn’t necessarily their fault which is breaking new ground for this blog.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Metro’s general structure, every day they get any celebrity, seemingly at random on their “Metro 60 seconds” page – an interview (supposedly conducted in 60 seconds but seriously try reading this aloud and see how long it would actually take to say such a mammoth amount of stuff) which like most interviews, offers absolutely nothing you didn’t already know or anything the celebrity’s PR department wouldn’t say. I know that I bash the Metro and other papers for publishing random paparazzi snaps of celebrities and we’re supposed to go “ooh” and gaze at them because they were in a thing we’re familiar with but there is one thing less interesting than just looking at big name celebrities in pictures: asking big name celebrities to open their mouths and form sentences:scan0001
I felt it was the right time to have a go at this section of the Metro because this one with Rob Lowe is possibly the most useless and uninteresting example a Metro 60 seconds interview. Specifically here because Rob Lowe is the most uninteresting sort of actor imaginable. You’ve probably seen him in a movie or two but he’s never the sole reason you’ve seen that movie and you’ve almost always forgotten his character’s name by the end of it. I doubt anyone’s gone “oh wow! Rob Lowe’s in a movie, I must go see that movie….oh its a biopic of the guy who invented concrete aw….but still Rob Lowe’s in it, I’ll go see it anyway!”

Movie stars are especially boring to read interviews with because they are not the main proponents of the creative work. They’re essentially arms of the movie’s marketing apparatus, they’ve been told to give a yay on whatever so they’ll give the interviewer their yay and the interviewers are just as culpable in this. They always have a few to make it seem like a personal chat thing but primarily ask generic questions related to the movie as a whole and stars always reiterate what they have been told to say about the movie in a way that’s completely neutral: not too encouraging to make you realise they’ve been told to say this stuff but not too negative to put you off. I’m not blaming Rob Lowe specifically here but this rather impersonal reiteration of “yes I am in a thing that is either coming out soon or has come out, it is *INSERT PRESS RELEASE DESCRIPTION HERE*” is so fucking boring because there’s just nothing there to spark interest or intrigue, its safe and in line with the studio’s decision to put something together based on a thing:

Little home experiment: read that first answer back to yourself with no tone of voice. Just flat words that form a sentence: are you interested in what you just read? Has what you just read given you any insight into the film that caused the interview, Rob Lowe’s approach to playing the role of John F. Kennedy himself, anything at all? This interview’s probably one of the more blatant examples of “simple publicity for the movie” as opposed to “insight for consumers” you might as well swap the entire interview for this:

rob loweIf that’s all your interview amounts to, you haven’t done your job as an interviewer right. You’re not an interviewer, you are a marketer.

Subtext isn’t this interview section’s strong suit. I mean hell, we might as well swap this page for the blank format template they use for it every time they phone up random celebrities at 2 in the morning begging for a few words on a thing that’s trending on twitter:

In short, what can we actually learn from the movie star interview? That you should pay money for a movie and that’s about it.

An Out of Context Review of Big Cook Little Cook

Dopeheads have been sat around giggling at kid’s shows for decades but there’s never been a show assumedly for children specifically designed for those lazy dopeheads watching it even though they’re not supposed to….someone really commissioned this.

Pink Room by Angelo Badalamenti (Warner Bros)
Footage from Big Cook Little Cook is owned by the BBC (Used for review)
Second hand footage of Bob the Builder onwed by the BBC
Song from “Zygon: When being you just isn’t enough” – BBV Productions
Footage from Duck Tales – Disney
We’re in the Money by the Gold Diggers

KingBomBeard plays EarthBound Episodes 34, 35 and 36

Hail to kingBombBeard. He is a man that makes let’s plays in affiliation with this site.

Hello everyone, sorry for the lack of videos last week but we are back with EarthBound and in this episode we must say goodbye to our new friend Poo

In this episode we go through the tower and wait for the ending there is another awful awful joke which you can see coming.

In this episode we begin to search the swamps…and that is about it from memory



METROBLOG: My Commute to work in pictures

The news has been boring recently. So for some reason (there must have been one…I’m sure it’ll come to me) I decided to take pictures on my commute to work to share with you the environment my derranged news analysis and piss taking blogs are written in until something interesting happens in world or national events.

Note: These are only the slightly interesting/sort of in focus ones out of 200 or so pictures.

For my commute from work, turn the brightness down to make it the evening and flick backards

Stubagful NaNoWriMo 2013: Future Highs: Day Seven: 10004 words

Well I got a fifth of the way through and I’m not out of ideas yet

Here’s how things are currently looking:

The novel is spilt into three parts: Before, After and Possibly

Before, as it says on the tin, is the events leading up to the change and the introduction of mind-altering substances comes bit by bit prior to the full change when we get to After. Possibly I will talk about when/if I get there by the 50’000 word mark.


An anti-drug law terrorist group destroys the DUCA (Drug Unified Compulsation Act) commission’s files and materials made in preparation for the change and kidnaps their filing cabinet of hard copies. The DUCA commission attempt to rebuild and reconstruct the files in line with the announced start date while dealing with bad press and find clues that someone inside the DUCA commission is working for the anti-drug terrorists. After the changes come into effect, the terrorist group’s attempt to reverse the actions lead to international conflict and the intoxicated DUCA commission have to try and keep the administration’s position stable while they personally aren’t. Basically its a trippy drug novel grounded entirely in reality, the humour comes from the contrast really.


Marvin Hayes is a brash and arrogant press officer for the DUCA commission with dubious motivations and a hard time relating to people.

Judith Barret is head of materials. She’s in her late thirties and void of any opinion on drug law. She’s been part of far too many failed government policies and just wants to go home and put her feet up at the end of the day.

Judith’s father is John Barret (currently Reverend Bear) and is in a lunatic asylum for his association with a strange online cult who spend their days on conspiracy theories about the DUCA commission and other strange phenomena of recent years.

Jase Edwards is a snide arrogant intern who was promoted to a full position head writer of materials when Marvin saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Michelle Cowdry is Marvin’s ex-girlfriend and Gerald’s personal assistant. She and Jase have been experimenting with doing their jobs while under the influence of certain substances together.

Gerald Harding is currently Vice president and incredibly bad press for the DUCA commission. He has been dealing with a secret cocaine habit for years and was thus keen to act as spokesman for the legislation. He is the bane of Marvin’s life.

Justine Florestine is head of PAF (Parents Against Fun) a leading anti-drug law activist group. Her 5 year old son has been showing up in press campaigns as a spy for their group.


As the prologue I posted probably indicates, I’m trying to incorporate fake historical extracts into the narrative. Most are going to be running throughout the novel and will change and get more erratic as the effects of compulsary recreational drugs takes effect. They’re all woven into where the plot is, mostly to give a feel for the scale of the change. It includes news broadcasts, government materials, other media like that

So far I’ve got some government pamphlets, instructions to current and new public services and things like that, I’ve also invented a couple of new bits of technology because, hell its the future, why not? But the main difference between now and the future is that Dominoes Pizza is a taxpayer funded public service. It had to be done.

I’ve also got transcripts from news debate shows that show up and also fake speeches by fake politicians. I may have overexaggerated the severe dumbness of our characters but that’s the thing: I am trying to make everyone on every side of the drugs argument look bad. This is pretty much a cautionary tale of everyone and everything’s approach to drugs.

Here’s a couple of speeches from early in the novel.


“My fellow Americans. Many of you may be questioning this administration’s decision to make it not just legal but compulsory for every citizen to be intoxicated by previously illicit substances at all times. Many of you have lobbied against me. Many of you have declared me insane. But most of you have been strangely agreeable. Terrifyingly agreeable in fact.

Those who oppose this bill, I see your point. I understand where your fear of this great change comes from. But let me assure you from the bottom of my heart that America will care for you. America will love and respect you throughout the next great era of this nation.

Every factor has been taken into consideration. The DUCA commission has been working around the clock making sure that when that day in September comes, we will protect you. The staff of America’s Drug Huts will be there for you, the Drug Police will be there for you, the establishment will care for you.

When I set out to make the world a more sympathetic, kinder, more understanding and less comprehensible place, I saw things coming together in the precise manner this commission has been putting this act together. I am immensely proud of the maturity and dignity displayed by this administration.

And let it be known that that pride will be extended to the brave people of America joining with us as we step forward into a new tomorrow filled with boundless potential for new areas of thought and consciousness and intrigue.

When that day comes and the first line is snorted, the first doobie is lit, the first hit is dropped, we will be with you every step of the way. We stand on the border of a freer world than we have been able to comprehend before. We  barely believed this new world possible. We are with you every step of the way. America will be by your side and care for you.

As a great man once said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Thank you.”

THE HOTDOG SPEECH – VICE PRESIDENT GERALD HARDING – 05/05/2133 – Address to congress in support of DUCA

“I see this new initiative by the President to be a wonderful new beginning for America. Now granted there will be many who will immediately see flaw in compulsation but I say to those people: that is a very flawed argument. Very flawed indeed.

The legislation is sort of like when you make hotdogs. Y’know how you boil them in water and it takes so long and you’re like “c’mon, c’mon, I’m starving you’re killing me here.” And you gotta drain the water and let it soak out for a while and its the same here. You’ve gotta let this new lease of life for America to soak for a while until it tastes like the salty brine soaked taste of freedom with mustard.

Mustard is definitely the word I’d use here; this bill is mustard to some people. Some people eat their hotdogs with mustard, some don’t. And I say, that those who oppose mustard are blindsighted egotists. In America we have the right to face UnAmerican dissent and laugh.

Dissent in the face of the DUCA act will soak up a bitter pool of hatred and encouraging war on our children. These fools who surround us everyday won’t accept that in a free democracy, by election we have been empowered to see a new vision of the future for America.

And these dissenters, these infiltrators, with their yes men and no men surrounding them offering discouragement of our cause, they refuse to see the arguments put forward. Like a burnt hotdog they will be left in the garbage along with those who thought the Hummingbird cull was a bad idea, and the opposition to the plastic tree initiative AND the surveillance drone initiative.

We will stand together and fight the forces of unopinion and together we can forge a new beginning for America’s beginning”