Staring into Justin Bieber’s Arse: Celebrity Gossip and the News

Currently a long way off from the eventual position in his tale of rise to fame and fall to wanking off international businessmen for pennies in alleyways (don’t kid yourselves, that’s where he’s headed), Justin Bieber is all over the press at the moment having a very public mid-life crisis.

The paper I read on the way to work in the morning, The Metro, was one of probably all the papers to print snapshots of Justin Bieber’s arse as he was prepared for a strip-search at an airport. I’m not going to print the picture here because unlike the editors of the Metro; I understand that my target audience doesn’t want to see Justin Bieber’s arse at the best of times let alone the worst of times, like say the morning commute to work or when a loved one’s died of thrombosis.

However people do give a shit that Justin Bieber’s arse is displayed prominently for us to gawp at. There must be call for it because it’s there. Surely that’s how it works?

Someone saw Justin Bieber’s arse and thought: “If I take a picture of this, I could sell that picture to every single media outlet in the world. Just think, Justin Bieber’s arse will make me money. When I’m sat down to dinner with the wife and kids, I will literally be eating on Justin Bieber’s arse”.

……I’m very sorry for that mental image.

The question is how much do people really care? You’re still going to end up reading the paper whether Justin Bieber’s arse and other wank about celebrities is printed in it or not. Celebrity gossip magazines cater for people that gasp “ermegerd! Nicki Minaj ate a sandwich!” or “WTF? Kate Moss has a weird pimple on her bum!” Why is it printed in a newspaper?

Well a newspaper is there to cater for not just news, but a plethora of daily activities the reader might be interested in; TV, relationships, sport etc. It’s all based on speculation as to what their target audience will find compelling enough to direct their eyeballs at for thirty seconds. As I just said though, people that care when a celebrity gets their bum out are already catered for by specific publications and would probably rather spend their time with what they believe are more important things than reading a newspaper. Like eating snails, farting and stuff like that, I don’t know what people that don’t read newspapers do.

What I’m basically saying is that Paparazzism and newspapers don’t really mix. I am all for newspapers talking about shit that doesn’t really matter as opposed to depressing you, like say printing an article about a puppy getting stuck in an air vent over some Middle Eastern peace treaty. However a publication mixing celebrity gossip with actually important bits of news doesn’t really work logically.

Is it in aid of making people who don’t care about the news aware that important shit is happening whether they care or not as they’re flicking through to the juicy bits? Or maybe it’s the other way around, maybe it’s trying to make me, a man who really doesn’t give a shit what celebrities do in their spare time aware of what they do for reasons that currently elude me. There must be a reason these two completely unrelated areas are mixed together in Newspapers without any attention paid to news and celebrities being two separate areas of interest.


Maybe it matters just as much that I, a person that cares about news, sees unimportant celebrity gossip as someone who doesn’t care about news sees the news alongside the celebrity gossip. Maybe it’s there to foster harmony between those that care about news and those that care about celebrities because these two things really are polar opposites. Maybe it’s all in aid of helping us all get along…

…or maybe its because newspaper editors are vapid cretins who just see Justin Bieber’s arse and think “people are fucking retards, of course they want to see famous people’s backsides”…that’s probably it.

So what have learnt from Justin Bieber’s arse? That whoever published the thing you’re reading thinks you’re stupid. Justin Bieber might as well have painted the words “DERP DI DERP” on his underwear. Then the message would have been clear and I wouldn’t have bothered writing this.

Have a nice day.


Breaking News: Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water!

Okay, I don’t want this blog to mutate into consistent bitterness and smugness because that’s what you expect of me and it’s what I’m generally known for. I want to be seen as encouraging. And today’s “Metro in Focus” article was encouraging. For those unaware, the “Metro in Focus” page spread usually discusses social issues and uses some very shaky statistics to back up their opinions without proper citations so you know what they’re saying is correct. For a very basic example, here’s one from last week which I forgot was still by my desk and I hadn’t chucked out yet.


Women in the workplace and sexual bias, specifically in the Indian job market, yeah, big issue, effects loads of people, good, important, and interesting. Lots of pie charts and official respectable looking fact stuff. Usually this page spread is dedicated to issues felt by normal regular life-having people. Relationships, sex, girly emotions and stuff that as a sociopathic emotional retard I can’t understand. Today’s issue of Metro Focus was less important to say the least.



….it’s about Mario’s brother Luigi. As in Mario and Luigi from the video games about a duo of Italian plumbers that save a princess who’s been kidnapped by a spiked turtle named Bowser in a kingdom of Mushrooms. The writer of this article uses facts about Luigi’s involvement in the Mario franchise to draw parallels between Luigi and relations between siblings in the real world. At no point in the publication of this morning’s Metro did anyone look at each other and go “wait a second, we’re actually seriously discussing the social aspects of Luigi…the brother of the guy that jumps on turtles in a video game? Why the fuck are we dedicating a two page spread to this?”

I especially love one of the thought bubble quotes used here. Usually they say things like “over 80% of women feel that men are stupid heads” or “at least 90% of men think their penis is a magic wand”. Whereas in the case of a special report about Luigi, the brother of Super Mario, one of their thinking points is:


….extra! extra! Luigi stuck it in princess Daisy! Fictional character produced by computer graphics has sex with other fictional character produced by computer graphics! Metro Focus!

Contrary to how sarcastically I’m taking this unnecessary bit of fluff, I’m overjoyed that “The Metro” writers understand how not ready morning commuters are to face big burning questions about relationships, sexuality and discrimination that Metro Focus usually talks about. The Metro would be much more enjoyable if its news topics were about fictional characters:


Or maybe:

three blindmice

Or something more inventive. I’m thinking of writing to The Metro and suggesting they turn next week’s worth of papers into a fantasy serial about talking dolphins. Anything but this serious news shit they keep insisting on every day of the bloody week.

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Chicken and Boobs

Zone One Digest is the regular best of the week show on Zone One Radio made by pocket pized furby lookalike Stuart Hardy. This week:

Boobs and violence on #LondonArts with Jenny Runacre as she interviews the cast of Riverside Studios hit production of Mies Julie.

#WorldWideRoutes chat to Lu Comza and Steve Askew about their new EP “Lockdown”

#Generation3 with Lady Susan Vickers and James Levett host a live acoustic set from upcoming artist Raggo Zulu Rebel

and #InGoodTaste chat to 2011 Masterchef winner Tim Anderson at the FEAST festival about the rise of gourmet fast food. and


Stuart Hardy presents #ZoneOneDigest – the show that recycles the work
of other, more talented presenters on ZoneOneRadio.- the Mayor of
London-funded community radio station for Central London.

You can listen to the podcast version here

Zone One Digest is the regular best of the week show on Zone One Radio
made by pocket pized furby lookalike Stuart Hardy. This week:

Boobs and violence on #LondonArts with Jenny Runacre as she interviews
the cast of Riverside Studios hit production of Mies Julie.

#WorldWideRoutes chat to Lu Comza and Steve Askew about their new EP “Lockdown”

#Generation3 with Lady Susan Vickers and James Levett host a live acoustic set from upcoming artist Raggo Zulu Rebel

and #InGoodTaste chat to 2011 Masterchef winner Tim Anderson at the FEAST festival about the rise of gourmet fast food. and

Children’s Stories: The Puppy that Wouldn’t Share

As you may know by now, I’ve been writing kids’ books and sending them off to publishers in hope that I will become a recognized children’s author as it can’t be that hard to write for kids, you just need some cuddly animals, a cute nice little lesson some light idiotic humour. And I always try to be a bit more daring than a lot of kids’ books do, its just in the name of trying to make something kids will remember, I mean some of the shit they come out with nowadays to entertain kids is fucking atrocious. And I think that my books can be informative and entertaining for the current generation of kids. The publishers don’t see my point of view though. In fact the last guys I pitched to actually tried to have me arrested for suggesting kids be shown this stuff. Alright its a bit extreme….in fact its why I’ve given up writing children’s stories cause I just don’t see the big deal. I mean sure its a bit much for kids to take but…okay I’m just gonna shut up and show you the damn thing.

One morning best friends Charlotte the Cat and Alvin the Radioactive Green Mouse came into school and saw a new kid sat at the back of the classroom.

“Who’s that?” asked Alvin, pointing at the puppy sat looking very grumpy indeed.


“I don’t know”, said Charlotte. “Should we talk to him?”


But then Mr Moosey McMoose, the really stupid substitute teacher came in and they had to go and sit down instead.


“Um…you can do what you want and play this morning” said Mr Moosey Mcmoose “I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing this week so I’ll just sit down and drink my grown ups’ drink”.


So while Mr Moosey McMoose sat and drank his grown ups’ drink and counted the number of fingers he had, Charlotte and Alvin went over to the new kid to say hello.


“What’s your name?” asked Alvin as they reached his desk. “I’m Alivin and this is Charlotte” he said. That’s a nice orange choo choo train you have there”.


“Thanks” said the Puppy. “I’m Pauley” he said very quietly, he seemed annoyed about something.


“That’s a nice name” said Alvin. “I like your choo choo train, have you got any more? Then we could all play choo choo trains together”.


But Pauley looked like he didn’t like that idea at all.


“I don’t share!” he shouted. He stepped on Alvin and started hitting Charlotte, and Charlotte said ow lots and lots.


Once they got out of school that afternoon Alvin had an idea when they saw the nasty puppy going home.


“We should follow him home and get him back for picking on us in class” said Alvin.


“Um I don’t know Alvin, isn’t that wrong?” asked Charlotte.


“The punishment fits the crime” said Alvin. He was very determined.


Charlotte agreed and they followed the puppy to the bad neighbourhood where there were lots of mean looking people doing and saying bad things.


They went up to the window and spied what was going on inside.


They saw Pauley’s Mummy hitting him and Pauley was crying lots. She had lots of small dotty marks on her and there were lots of syringes in the room.


“Maybe she’s really sick and gets angry easily” said Charlotte.


“Hey look! The door has been left open” said Alvin. “Lets go in and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind”.


“Hey what’s that sound?” said Charlotte as they went inside. “It sounds like its coming from the basement”.


“I have a bad feeling about this” said Charlotte as they went downstairs.


“I’m sure it’s nothing bad” said Alvin as he pushed the door open when they reached the bottom.


But they were shocked at what they found.


They found a torture chamber completely filled with dead bodies except a ferret that had been stabbed and wasn’t quite dead yet and was screaming in agony.


“Help me” the ferret screamed “its all hurty and I want my mummy!” But Charlotte and Alvin couldn’t move because they felt really sick.


There was a sheep that had been nailed to the wall. It’s eyes and mouth were pinned open in a silent scream.


And there was a giraffe that had had its guts torn out.


And there was a penguin who had been shot and had it’s blood smeared into the words I am chaos across the wall.


Alvin and Charlotte got so scared that they ran away.


They couldn’t cope with the maddening things they saw.


And so they led bad lives and became hookers and smack dealers.

The End!!

….yeah, I think I may have gone a bit toooooo far with this one….

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 8

SEX! We found it! This video offers a breakdown of why the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey are not romantic and unsexy. All that we are told is how sexy Christian Grey is, we get absolutely nothing on how Ana is feeling other than “want penis” ….are you seriously still convinced this isn’t a porn?

Fifty Shades of Grey was poorly written by E.L. James and is published by Random House. I am not profiting from this video in any way.

Tubular Bells – Mike Oldfield (Mercury)
Celebration – Kool and the Gang (Mercury)
Chopin – Prelude Op.28, no. 4 in E Minor (apparently copyright EMI)

Weather News: It’s Dreadful, isn’t it?

So it was snowing when I cycled to the station today. Nothing really out of the ordinary except the fact that it’s fucking March. The end of March. So far towards the end of March it’s practically June. This is not how things should be. It’s like life’s turned into Game of Thrones…not the sex and dragons stuff, the fact winter never ends. So you can gather why I immediately thought “I bet the front cover of the Metro will be something along the lines of “WEATHER IS BAD AND MOTORISTS SAY IT SUCKS” or “HORROR FOR COMMUTERS AS MORE SNOW ON THE WAY” or “SNOW IS RUINING MY WEEK SAYS SOME CELEBRITY”. So what have you got for me Metro?

Picture 001

Wow, I must be clairvoyant or something.

The tabloid press gets a lot of really kind of deserved slack for placing such massive importance on “FROZEN FLUFFY WATER FALLS FROM CLOUDS!” as opposed to serious stuff like “PEOPLE IN SUITS IN ROOM TALK ABOUT POLITICS AND STUFF!”

The general mantra of “it’s just a bit of snow, why do we whine so much about it? This is not news, it doesn’t deserve to be in a newspaper”, has been repeated by most people. Although I do think that tabloid newspapers that do it are base and crass, I find it almost comforting in some cases. Granted Newspapers need to do important stuff like politics, death, war, etc but in the case of “The Metro” I believe it to be highly appropriate front page material because as I’ve said before, at seven AM you aren’t in the mood for serious news. You want something nice to look at for half an hour that makes you feel nice.

“The Metro” is something to read on your miserable way through to work. I guarantee that anyone who got a train into London this morning was grumbling about the weather and seeing the front page of the Newspaper share their gripes is comforting. I was reassured to know that the newspaper was agreeing with me for a change.

It’s like when someone comes and tells you that, say; they’ve got a cold or someone said a mean thing about them. They don’t expect you to do anything other than agree with them: “I know, it’s horrible, isn’t it?” At seven AM on your way to work; a newspaper that understands what you grumble about is what we need. However I think the language “The Metro” employs could be a bit more chummy and conversational, something along the lines of this:


Other appropriate topics of conversation for the morning news include:



“The Agreeable News” would be handed out outside tube stations to frowny people who can’t be arsed to go to work. So instead of grumbling about politicians in suits doing stuff and people killing each other somewhere you can’t pronounce the name of; now you can grumble and go “too bloody right” instead. It would foster a sense of community between commuters, it would bring us together if we could share our everyday first world gripes and it might make us happier and more empathetic.

….shutup, it would!

FUNNY SPAM COMMENTS I GET: The Mission…to assassinate Justin Bieber?


Submitted on 2013/03/18 at 6:53 pm

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good topic. I must spend a while studying more or figuring out more.

Thanks for great information I was looking for this information for
my mission.

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: The Prophecy of Justin Bieber

Okay tell me I’m reading into this too much all you want but apparently this post gave this guy information for his “mission” …da fuck?

The Morning News: Spidercrabs, anyone?

So this morning I actually actively picked up a copy of the Metro. I didn’t just absent-mindedly grab it from someone’s seat on the Tube and start flicking through, no  , I actually picked it up from the stack they have in the station. I opened it to a random page because the pages were stuck together. I arrive at this image.


gahh! Fuck! What the hell? If you can’t read it, because I’ve scanned it really tiny because I think there’s less chance I’ll get sued for copyright, its some piece about a spider crab that was rescued from being steamed as some freak’s dinner and is now in an aquarium or something….

Yeah I know, I don’t care either. Why? Because aside from freaks that actually keep pet tarantulas (seriously, people that do own tarantulas ought to be locked up without evidence, having a pet tarantula should be indication enough that you’re clearly a psychopath. Better now than before it’s too late… off topic) But yeah, who wants a whopping great picture of a spider crab waving itself in their faces at seven AM?

I’m not the type to complain with regards to taste. I am one of the people who says when people complain to Ofcom about tasteless programming “well watch something else then”, it is the same in this situation. “Well don’t read the Metro then Stuart”. However I’m complaining about this because its an instance of The Metro editors really not understanding their target audience.

The News is bleak. We know this. Watch any rolling news channel for long enough and you will want to cry until your body can’t produce tears anyone and has to use surplus piss and semen your body has leftover as moisture.

“HE KILLED EIGHTY SIX PEOPLE BEFORE SHOOTING HIMSELF” “WOMAN OF 23 WAS GANG RAPED ON HOLIDAY” “KILLER TERMITES NESTED IN ATTIC FOR YEARS, KILLED 8 CHILDREN” and stuff like that. By definition a newspaper has to include important stuff like this, but at seven in the morning, you need to talk down to people and get them feeling calm and relaxed and ready for work. When you’ve just woken up you can barely comprehend words that have more than one syllable. Morning Newspapers shouldn’t really be Newspapers, they should be visual hugs that make you feel like the day will actually be okay for a change. Appropriate reading material for the train should include Noddy and Spot the Dog but we’re all too embarrassed to admit that that’s what we’d prefer to be reading on our way to work.

A morning newspaper has to cater for grumpy people who’ve just woken up and have trouble digesting information on top of especially creepy crawly images like this one. It’s a common problem with The Metro; it seems to think people are interested in these things at seven AM. A couple of weeks ago there was a story about a drunk student who stir fried his roommate’s hamster, not content to chill sleepy grumpy bastards with something like that, they actually had a picture of the poor little squished hamster in the frying pan. You don’t do this to tired grumpy people about to go to work, you just don’t fucking do it. Midday maybe, after seven is fine, weekends are okay but not when you’re the only free available reading material there to comfort tired people about to go to work.

The ideal morning newspaper for depressed miserable commuters would include the obvious big news, the budget, death, politics etc because that’s what a newspaper is for, but ideally a morning newspaper would be peppered with about six or seven articles like this:


There, congrats, you’ve just made a miserable office worker feel a bit nicer on his way to work by thinking about cute little puppies. I mean obviously actual journalists would be more creative than this, this is just an example.

The Metro does do this occasionally and publishes cutesy nice stuff. In the next page after the Spider Crab thing they had this picture of a cute little hamster that got stuck in a pipe or something:


D’aww, just look at his lickle face d’aww…

But what I’m saying is to market well to your chosen demographic: tired grumpy commuters, what you really should be doing is filtering out anything that will make them feel more alone and miserable and make their skin crawl, and say change your name to “The Everything’s Alright” and publish a daily newspaper consisting of nice bits of news instead. I guarantee you will get much more respect from commuters in the long run. A lady somewhere is organizing a bake sale for the Girl Guides, a blind kid has been given a Seeing Eye dog for his birthday, stuff like that.

Not this Spider Crab shit cause I’ve no idea who the hell wants that on their way to work.

MetroBlog Not sponsored by the Metro

If anyone out there has been unfortunate enough to run into me between 8:24 and 9:16 between Monday and Friday (my morning commute to work); you will have noticed I’m rather distant and moody. I’m usually sat with a book in my hands while listening to obscure Norwegian bands I claim you’re just too ignorant for. Or I’m sat with a copy of “The Metro” (The free newspaper available in railways stations in and around London) mumbling the word “bastards” at regular intervals.

The Metro proclaims loudly on the cover that it is “The World’s Most Popular Free Newspaper” …you do know that’s not something to be proud of, right? That’s like saying “Try having a head cold, its ten times more popular than a sore throat”. It’s a meaningless phrase for the simple reason that your audience is trapped. It’s the same reason why I really don’t understand why First Capital Connect have a marketing department, there is no point in marketing something people have no alternative to. You’ve kind of already guaranteed yourself customers just by being there. I know the Metro is a different thing entirely since whether or not I read it is based on choice whereas First Capital Connect are directly profiting from people with no choice how they travel. Yet at the same time reading it feels compulsive.

The commute into London is grinding misery and I don’t know why I read the Metro and I guarantee that neither does anyone that picks one up. It’s just there to give your eyes something to look at because at that time of the morning you have the brain capacity of a five year old. It’s the newspaper equivalent of a can of Pepsi. No one really likes it but if there’s nothing else available you just think: “Ah screw it; it’s there, it’s more interesting than water, might as well have it”. It’s the same with the Metro, it’s there, it’s better than just sitting here breathing in and breathing out for between twenty minutes and an hour depending on how much the train operators can be arsed to do their jobs properly.

So this blog is basically going to be my thoughts after reading the Metro. It won’t be a daily thing as I neither have the time nor energy. This blog may be news related topics, general hate towards the Metro’s style of news reporting, as based on all the paper’s I’ve read, it’s definitely in the lower middle class of tabloid bracket. It’s the Daily Mail of bland placid eye fodder designed for miserable commuters. One step up from The Sun; it’s nothing to be proud of yet there they are, every morning, the tubes are littered with them. Then again, I don’t see much difference between the Metro and the Sun. Tits or articles about boring people I don’t care about and pictures of people’s pets, they’re both just “something to look at for a bit”. Hopefully it’ll coerce me into coming out with something insightful or witty. Only time will tell.

Also in terms of qualifying my bastardised opinion on the free London rag, I present my evidence in case they want to sue me for slander:

Can’t remember when, a couple of weeks ago, they published on the inside of their front cover their quote of the day. It is the single dumbest thing I have ever read in a newspaper.

“I’m not worried about North Korea, Nuclear weapons are so old school” –, Record producer and Musician

……………..that quote is the new definition of the word facepalm.

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Music and Stuff

Zone One Digest is a random forty minutes with an array of people from all walks of life as heard this week on Zone One Radio.- the Mayor of London-funded community radio station for Central London. Hosted by a snarky yeti like man who lives in a cave.

You can listen to the podcast version of this week’s Zone One Digest Here!

Brand new Urban music show #Generation3 is welcomed to the airwaves helmed by the startlingly talented Lady Susan Vickers

#LondonGP bring you a sappy edition about Motorsport on Mother’s day with Autosport Editor in Chief Andy Van De Burgt

#IntoTheMix chat to seminal remixer Burns

and #WorldWideRoutes with David Bailey (MBE) interview Kora player Jali Fily Cissokho and

Zone One Digest is a random forty minutes with an array of people from all walks of life as heard this week on Zone One Radio.- the Mayor of London-funded community radio station for Central London. Hosted by a snarky yeti like man who lives in a cave. This week:

Brand new Urban music show #Generation3 is welcomed to the airwaves helmed by the startlingly talented Lady Susan Vickers

#LondonGP bring you a sappy edition about Motorsport on Mother’s day with Autosport Editor in Chief Andy Van De Burgt

#IntoTheMix chat to seminal remixer Burns

and #WorldWideRoutes with David Bailey (MBE) interview Kora player Jali Fily Cissokho and