ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: The War Against Reality

 Zone One Digest is a show that transcends the boundaries of the world and eats cheesy biscuits……its also a compilation of the best of the week on Zone One Radio, the Mayor of London funded Community Radio station for Central. You should all get involved otherwise you are officially a bad person.This week on the show:

@DfbMBE on #WorldWideRoutes talks to @BBCRadio3 World Routes acadamy winner @Fidan Hajiyeva

#LondonGP regulars @Radio_Matthew and @AutosportNews Editor in Chief Andy Van De Burgt grumble about motorsport because Matthew’s guest @JamieGreen_ new signing for @Audi turned him down.

#CommunityProfile returns with new host Uwa Nnachi presents The @Pret Ex-Offenders and Homeless Apprenticeship Scheme.

And #Techtalkfest producer @RichLouder actually sat through the trial that was the two hour long press conference announcing the #PS4

Listen or you fail and

Children’s Stories: The Crow Made Out of Feet

Some of you may remember my attempt at writing a kid’s book entitled “Vernon the Giraffe and the war on drugs”. Well since then I’ve been to a publisher and asked about possible publication….that was a very animated discussion that was, the words “satanic” and “sick weirdo” came up at least three times….bastards.

So unfortunately for now there is no market for Vernon the Giraffe and the war on drugs or its planned but never written sequel “Vernon the Giraffe and the Teenage Pregnancy” or the third instalment “Vernon the Giraffe’s adventures in a US military prison in the middle east”.

So not letting this get me down I went away and started to formulate plans for another book. I thought I was probably focusing too much upon the educational messages (that and it was mostly political and I realized how much I dislike people trying to push their views on kids) So this is a neutral and non-impressionable book that’s just about the characters and plot. So here I present:

Once upon a time there was a crow made out of feet. He was a happy crow and did not mind his smell.

But his brothers did mind the smell, they minded as much as a crow could mind a smell.

So one of them thought of a plan to get rid of the crow made out of feet.

So one day when the crow made out of feet was sat on the park bench cooing away, one of his brothers came over to him in tears.

“What is wrong?” asked the crow made out of feet?

“Sniff…there is a man in the park with a gun, he has slain my family. I would stand up to him but I’m so scared” said the crow.

The crow made out of feet decided to go and have a stern talk with the man with the gun.

But when he got to the place he heard the man was he found that there was no one there.

The crow made out of feet was about to leave when all of a sudden.

His brothers came rushing at him with axes,

they started hitting him quite hard and the crow made out of feet said “ow” lots.

One of the axes split his head open.

Then his brothers went wee-wee on his corpse.

The crow that was made out of feet was dead and would smell no more.

what? Don’t look at me like that!!!
So does anyone think any publisher will buy the rights to this?

SSHMFTOGCAW: The Best of Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment

The Best of Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment

Everyone loves a clipshow and its about time we had ours. Granted some clips may not make a whole lot of sense out of context, but whatever.

This is not the show I wanted to make (Episode 1)
Your letters and emails (Episode 3)
Real Experiences of Festival Staff (Episode 8)
Interview with Singer songwriter Hugh Carpenter (Episode 27)
The unaimiable position of defending Justin Bieber (Episode 5)
Wil Carpenter on Christmas Carols (Episode 40)
Excerpt from Stu, Wil and Hugh’s History of everything (Episode 55)
Sex Education with Mrs Dalerimple (Episode 36)
Stuart Investigates: Drugs and the Justice system (Episode 35)
Katy Perry’s Science Fiction plot-hole thing (Episode 31)
Behind the Scenes: Automatic Show creator (Episode 51)
Music that turns men on according to Cosmopolitan magazine (Episode 16)
Cuts from Sonisphere 2011 (Episode 30)
Stuart explains Pokemon (Episode 28)
Accidental summoning of the devil (Episode 41)
The change in Setting (Episode 43)
Doctor Who Finale that I won’t be here to talk about (Episode 6)
Stuart died last week: RIP (Episode 33)
An experiment (Episode 37)
Folk music with Stuart (Episode 23)
Cuts from the epic musical fantasy (Episode 32)
The giant talking stone head in the real world (Episode 52)
The teague and henry bit (Episode 50)
The Earth Explodes Trailer
Bloodstock 2012: Beating a dead horse/Drunk Stuart story
The Ending Speech (Episode 50)

Thanks for listening!

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 4

In this chapter, Ana throws up on people and Christian reveals he is a creepy stalker. Given this is a twilight fanfiction, I am not surprised in the least.

Fifty Shades of Grey was written (if you can call it that) by E.L. James and is published by Random House.
The music from the Shining I used is owned by Warner Bros. I am very sorry for this infringement.
I am not profiting from this video in any way.

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Clips from Other Shows One After Another

Hello ladies, gentlemen, concessions, anthropomorphic creatures and sentient robots. This is Zone One Digest, clips from other people’s show arranged
in order and hosted by a snarky yeti man. This week:

@LondonLifeRadio chat to London based band The Vanderbilts and they play music and stuff

@IntoTheMixRadio with @IoanHolland chat to @ThisIsTheFatRat who remixes music, you may remember him from that remix of Somebody that I used to know by @Gotye

#TechTalk is a new show featuring @ZoeFCunningham Britain’s Brightest Woman, chatting to @MarkRock founder of @AudioBoo

@_InGoodTaste star Lucy @FoodGoblin1 Boler had a chat with the nicest celebrity judge on TV; Michel Roux Jr from @BBCFoodanddrink and

Children’s Stories: Vernon The Giraffe

I dunno why I decided to do this, boredom may be one reason. A lot of famous people write children’s stories when they stop being on the front page of the tabloids every day and people have stopped caring about them and their pointless vacuous escapades, but enough about Madonna. Kid’s books are just about the easiest thing to write because they’re so simple, you do have to include some specific things though

1. animals, kids love animals, especially talking animals
2. really really simple narrative style, just simple words, no real description
3. a plot that teaches kids something – that’s important, kids need to learn…apparantlyAnd my book’s got all 3, the main character is Vernon the Giraffe who wanders around in a crazy weird world of animals and shit, I got the simple narration, and the plot definitely gives a decent educational message, so I present
One day, Vernon the Giraffe was walking down the street.
When suddenly he spied Trevor the Seal over by the Crack Den.
“Hey Vernon” said Trevor “Wanna buy some Crack? It’s very cheap”
Vernon wasn’t sure, he knew some people liked drugs, but he didn’t and believed they did nothing for you.
So he clubbed Trevor the Crack Smoking Seal to death.
Then Vernon had an idea.
He decided to get the government to stop people smoking drugs.

And the government decided to because they were stupid.

And then Vernon could walk down the street, free of crime and other bad things.

But then Vernon saw Pedro the Cat and Gary the gigantic mutant snail type thing fighting.

And that was when Vernon realised that drugs aren’t as big a problem as he’d first thought.

So Vernon and the surviving members of the drug-dealing Seal family smoked crack all day long and everything was happy.

Until Gary the gigantic mutant snail type thing Overdosed and died.

I reckon kids can relate to it…………….I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Don’t take this seriously, I know where you live

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 3

More stickmen-animated tales from Fifty Shades. A furthur escapade into the wretched book that has swept the public consciousness….Christ this book makes me want to stab myself.

Fifty Shades of Grey is owned by Vintage Books, a subsidiary of Random House
The poster for Skins is copyright Channel 4
The music from the Shining is copyright Warner Brothers
The song “Closer” is by Nine Inch Nails Nothing/Interscope

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Fine Wine and High Culture

Take a piece of Zone One Radio home with you!Zone One Digest Podcast – Fine Wine and High Culture

This week, Zone One Digest hosts more clips of the best from Zone One Radio with Stuart Hardy, Zone One Radio office yeti.

This week:
#LondonArts with @Jenny_Runacre visit @LyricHammer for @vesturport production of Kafka’s Metamorphasis.

#LondonGP with @radio_matthew and @autosportnews editor in chief Andy Van De Burgt dicuss the fate of F3

#WorldWideRoutes with @DFBmbe returns with a Mali special, podcasted with the @BossJockApp

@_InGoodTaste explore Catalan culture with @morenowines in Maida Vale. and

An Illustrated Review of Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 2

My latest desperate bid for attention continues. This chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey was even less eventful than the last one if that was even possible.

Fifty Shades of Grey is owned by Vintage Books, a subsidiary of Random House
The poster for Skins is copyright Channel 4
The music from the Shining is copyright Warner Brothers
The song “Closer” is by Nine Inch Nails Nothing/Interscope

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Upcoming Historical Book by Stuart Hardy

13 Feb 2009
Upcoming historical book by Stuart

I’m researching for this at the moment, its a very complex subject, so many different views and so much evidence to take into account. So far I’ve written the introduction and a table of contents. And before you ask, yes this is about the sandwich that allegedly started world war one

What was in the sandwich – cheese, ham, or corned beef?

The beginning of the 20th century and the outbreak of World War One followed by the outbreak of world war two is widely regarded as one of the most significantly traumatic periods in history. It saw the advancement of warfare to the point where both sides lost millions of soldiers in a matter of days. However what caused this was slightly less significant, what caused the suffering of millions and the widespread acknowledgement of an event so grand in scale was in fact: a sandwich. It may be a little hard to believe and not following a line of logic tended to be followed by normal people, or as we will refer to from now on: “norms”, but the truth is that if by the off chance, an assassin sent to kill the Archduke Franz Ferdinand had not eaten that sandwich, then history would probably have turned out very differently.

As is common knowledge, the First World War was sparked by the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it was not the sole reason, but that’s beside the point, it was at least a beginning of events that would span the next four years, and it would not have been possible if it were not for the sandwich. Member of the black hand gang, Gavrilo Princip had failed to kill Archduke Ferdinand and subsequently went to get a sandwich, and if it were not for that, he would not have come out on the street where the Archduke’s car had been diverted, he would not have shot the Archduke, and he would not have started World War One. I’m not insinuating that we should hunt down the sandwich dealer and blame him for all the suffering that followed, but the point of speculation is what sort of sandwich Princip bought; was it cheese? Bacon? some sort of salami?

There are many theories regarding the sandwich, the renowned historian wikipedia argues that the sandwich was chicken, but does not provide evidence for this. This book will aim to establish the sort of sandwich Princip purchased and exactly why this is significant. And if you still think this is stupid then….whatever.

Table of contents

1. A time of alliances (events leading up to the outbreak of war)
2. The formation and sandwich preferences of the black hand gang
3. The day of the assassination and its effects
4. Why the sandwich was definitely not tuna
5. The possibilities: corned beef, Chicken, beef, BLT, turkey, or cheese?
6. What significance this has to anything
7. Why you had to spend £5.99 just to learn that the sandwich was cheese……oh shit, I just gave away the ending
8. Why you cannot get a refund for this book

coming soon to all good book retaillers