ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Sausage and Cod

Now you can take some of Zone One Radio home with you!

ZoneOneRadio – #ZoneOneDigest – Sausage and Cod by Stuarthardy on Mixcloud

#ZoneOneDigest, the self styled most controversial show on Zone One Radio, is back. People we shall be annoying with our snarky comments this week include:

#LondonGP with @radio_matthew and Andy van De Burgt of @autosportnews visit the international @autosport_show.

@INTOTHEMIXradio with @ioanholland venture into Charted Waters with special guest @hervespace

@_ingoodtaste Clare Mully talks to author of the Cape Cod Cookbook Kelly Moss @signofthecod

@londonliferadio with @sillymrhawkins make an edition actually on a @thamesclippers @RNLI

All complaints can be directed to anyone except me. and

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me

I’m feeling nostalgic, I miss 2009. I also found this I wrote around the time this was going down recently.
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me – rage against the machine for christmas no 1
by Stuart Hardy on Friday, 18 December 2009 at 22:51 ·

Unless you don’t know, at the moment for the first time in five years the odds on who’s going to be christmas no 1 in the UK charts has finally got interesting, finally something different happened.

Thanks to a facebook group its down to rage against the machine and X-factor winner Joe Mcwotsit. Now even if I wasn’t a rage fan before this came along I would certainly have been on rage’s side since I like metal and see reality TV as the scum of the broadcasting industry. The arguments have been flying back and forth as to who you should buy, either way its more publicity for both. At least its got rage back and going again, they hadn’t done anything this year, no new songs, shows or anything, now suddenly they’re one of the biggest bands in the UK. Who knows, maybe it’ll encourage them to write another album. If you’re reading Tom, which I know you aren’t, your Nightwatchmen project is good yes, but we need more rage!!

Anyway, the arguements have been flying back and forth and now I’m going to present all the evidence skewed to meet my point of view, which is what everyone in the media’s been doing recently so I’m not the only hypocrite. The pot and the kettle are calling each other black all round, no one’s entirely right about this, except for me….just kidding.

Since the start people have been saying that the x-factor label sy-co is a division of sony which rage are signed to so they’ll see a projit anyway. This was pointed out at the start…although apparently the star weren’t aware of this so yesterday their headline was “Simon sees a profit either way a daily star source revealed yesterday”……thank you….here’s a crayon, go back to your “writing”. Yes rage aren’t exactly as badass as they claim because they’re signed to a massive corporate record label thats the same as the opponent’s BUUUUUUUUUUUUT how else do you expect rage to gain recognition without it? Yes you may say this makes out that rage’s political ideas don’t work in practice but we live in a corporate dominated media which rage has had to become a part of in order to get their message to the people.

As for it being part of the same record label as the other so Cowell sees a projit either way, its not about the money, that’s what people that say this are thinking about rather than the principle of the thing itself. Yeah alright cowell sees profit but only a tiny bit, y’know how many people are part of sony bgm? Its fucking massive, and Morello’s said that he’s giving the money he gets to charity anyway. Yeah alright cowell will see a small margin of the profit but he’ll be sick to take it

The music is the matter at hand. Cowell has said since day one that “its a cynical campaign aimed at me” well no shit sherlock of course its aimed at you!!! What else do you wish to inform of us of? Ooh flowers smell nice don’t they? Its raining outside, that car is red, well done for realising that you stupid bastard. “Its going to spoil the party for these guys, I just wanted to give them a hit record” cha ching, cha ching goes the till. Its all your opinion on what music is Cowell, I don’t think its music and clearly around 800,000 people that’ve joined the group agree with me. Yes 19 million people watched the x-factor final, around 3 million of which are in denial and admit they hate the bloody thing, there’s 50 million of us in the UK and everyone outside that 19 million hate you or are indifferent. Your word on what’s music and what isn’t is as much a law as rage’s is.

And he picks the same bloody person year after year, anyone can warble into the microphone with someone else’s lyrics. I watched the x-factor auditions one year, guy who called himself “rockin rick”…lol, he came in and did his stuff, which admittedly isn’t to everyone’s tastes, but you fuckin humiliated the guy because you didn’t think he was good enough. I did, I probably wouldn’t buy his records but you fucking humiliated him, well this is a taste of what you’ve been dishing out the last few years. Sat there behind your desk judging others for something you can’t do yourself and now someone says that your opinion counts for shit, its just the same as anyone else’s opinion, and now the people who think your opinion’s shit want their song at no 1. We should stop being scrooges? You should go round to rockin rick’s house and apologise to him you evil bastard….youtube him, guy’s hilarious.

Wow…really went off on one there. I still find it funny how Cheryl Cole called the campaign mean while being sat right next to simon cowell………where do you begin? Yes this man who’s nickname is “Judge Dredd”, but your campaign is mean………..oh please someone tell her.

The main badmouthing of rage has recently come from the daily mail, who’s main criticism seems to be that Zack de la rocha has a wrinkly face. “eerr, look at him, he should keep that bag on his head, its disgusting” yeah and simon cowell has a funny shaped head, we’re none of us perfect. And they seriously thought this would deter rage fans…..yes. To be honest mail readers aren’t exactly gonna be buying killing in the name, no great loss if they take things out of context and say “yesterday on 5live rage against the machine unleashed a tirade of foul-mouthed insults”….as part of the song and everyone knows it anyway, who’s it harming? “ooh, kids might have been listening” kids are the ones bloody buying the song, don’t gimme that shit. And besides I’ve read the daily mail occasionally and y’know what? They’re not exactly an episode of the teletubbies, oh yeah, I’ve seen the f-word in it and anyone can buy the daily mail, kids might’ve been reading that, and so what? Its a perfectly viable word.

Then of course they report that Simon Cowell says that “the BBC are sour grape that the X-factor has been such a success and that’s why so many support it”. Yes and you’re only saying that mr cowell because you’re on ITV and its in your interest…seriously, has there ever been a more “well duh moment?” in recorded history? The daily mail are only bashing the BBC over this because the company that owns them owns ITV and holds all the shares, its financially in their interest that the X-factor wins because they know that next year if it doesn’t, around a thousand rage fans will show up to audition and sing killing in the name as their piece ultimately killing the lumbering beast of a show once and for all.

Onto the opposing song itself: the climb by Joe Mcwotsit. A kareoke cover of a MILEY CYRUS SONG. Yes a person who didn’t even write the song he’s singing, his song was originally sung by someone who didn’t write it either….wow, that’s music in action that is. To rage, music is artistic expression which is what music should be, to the x-factor its a business, which it has to be to stay afloat. But the climb is just a sickly sweet ballad with no feeling or meaning to it. You think it has meaning “oh there’s some battles I have to lose, but its the climb” but its no more meaningful than the next corporate produced sweet song about fuckall. Killing in the name is a rock protest song written seventeen years ago about racist police and has been used since to protest many things. Yeah alright its a trivial thing of who should be christmas no 1 and you could argue the song could be put to better use but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be no 1 at Christmas, the climbs not exactly about the suffering of starving aids victims in Africa is it? Which one has a bit more meaningfulness to it?

Cowell’s had enough no 1s, they are his by the way, don’t ever think this is Joe’s hit, Cowell’s the man in the driving seat for this market of spiritually dead music that’s just his opinion. Not saying people who watch the x-factor are stupid I’m saying that they’re fed cowell’s point of view. The x-factor puts forward the culture of fame, the worst part of the music industry, its not about the artistic expression and the music itself, its just gotta be sickly sweet to capture the interest and have an interchangable figure singing it. Cowell’s had four christmas no1s and they’ve all been shite, just someone singing words that’ve been put in their mouths by someone else. Rage put their heart into writing killing in the name seventeen years ago and it hasn’t aged a day. Its loud and angry and just right.If you like neither then fair enough to you. Doesn’t matter who you think deserves it more. Joe went through the gruelling process of the x-factor to be given a song to sing, Rage’s fans stood up to the automated system and the band jumped in on it liking the political motives behind it. I would have approved of Morello’s sentiments if it weren’t for the fact he actually used the phrase “silent majority”. Whenever someone says they’re the silent majority my response is “well shutup then”. Clearly you’re not the silent majority you’re speaking. And rage fans are speaking now and quite rightly so, they just didn’t think to do this before. I did very much agree with Morello and the band’s views on the subject though. Morello said that on the show you get to vote for the contestants but you can’t vote against the show itself, and that’s what buying the track is doing, voting against the system as it is, something that’s come up a lot in rage’s past clashes with the world of politics.

It has just shown how many people in the media are rage fans, including the likes of Terry Wogan, now there was a surprise. Course Cowell says its just the BBC being all anti-xfactorsuccess while they’re being all anti-BBC because of this and claiming the swearing on 5live hasn’t got as much coverage as it would’ve done. Nice ploy there rage, it’ll definitely boost sales. It was kind of stupid of 5live anyway, you get the most anti-establishment band since the sex pistols and dead kennedys, and you expect them to self-censor their lyrics? Sorry but who’s idea was that exactly? And have they been wheeled off by the men in white coats yet? I’m not complaining obviously I’m just saying; duh, no shit they would do that.

The x-factor has been in charge of the music business in the UK for far too long and it only teaches warbling into the camera, it doesn’t teach how to make music and make it live. You can quibble with delarocha’s vocal style all you want but the x-factor’s simple equation isn’t exactly the pinnacle of excellence.

Anyway, I dunno what you think but I think rage should bring the x-factor’s domination of the UK charts to a fitting close because of all that shit I just said up there. With me or not it doesn’t matter, if you are then go buy killing in the name already, you’ve only got tomorrow and half of sunday, not much time left, go on already!

SSHMFTOGCAW: Teh Extra Bits: Episode 30: The Earth Explodes: Omnibus Edition

The Earth Explodes – Omnibus Edition

Here it is. The complete saga of sci fi madness and bullshit condensed into a two hour chunk. As endings go, its about as baffling and ridiculous as you could have expected. Thank for listening to Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment.

Bye World.

I Touch Myself – Divinyls
Love Shack – B52’s
Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment Main Theme – Hugh Carpenter
Satellite 15 – Iron Maiden
Xibir – Dimmu Borgir
Dirty Old Town – The Pogues
Deserted Base – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack
Space – Metroid prime 1
Chozo Ruins#2 – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
Phazon mines entry – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
Dark Agon Wastes – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack
Before the Battle – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack
Let’s get it on – marvin gaye
Theme from 2001 a space odyssey
Gygas theme from eathrbound
Lunacy – Swans
Phantasm Theme
Nightmare on Elm Street Theme
Agon Wastes #1 – Metroid Prime 2 soundtrack
darkness – metroid prime soundtrack
Roivas mansion music from Eternal Darkness
Jim’ll fix it theme
Circle of life – elton john
Shining theme
Cat with wings – Hugh Carpenter
Hive – Metroid Prime soundtrack
Turisas – to holmgard and beyond
I Should Be so lucky – Kylie Minogue
time bomb – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
metroid prime 3 title music – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 3 Soundtrack
Pink Floyd – Is there anybody out there?
scary Monsters (and super creeps) – David Bowie
x files theme – mark snow
Novelettes – the gallery
Gygas theme from Earthbound
frankinstein created woman
nightmare on elm street theme
Akira yamaoka – Ain’t gonna rain
Nosferatu theme
shining theme
lavender town music from pokemon
gygas theme
Metroid prime #1 – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
Dark agon wastes – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack
baby – justin bieber
into the devestation – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
chozo ruins 2 – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime Soundtrack
opeth – devil’s orchard
The Beginning and the end – Anathema
Love Shack – Hugh Carpenter, Wil Carpenter, Stuart Hardy & the B52’s
Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment Main Theme – Hugh Carpenter

SSHMFTOGCAW: Teh Extra Bits: Episode 29: The Earth Explodes – The Outtakes

As with any epic radio sci-fi comedy…there were a lot of ad-libs and fuck ups that didn’t make the final cut. Here’s a compilation of the best of them.

Teh Extra Bits: Episode 29: The Earth Explodes – The Outtakes

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: A Chair based Odyssey

Posted on either facebook, myspace or some other shitty free webspace I used to use…I really can’t remember.


As if the manic depression wasn’t enough, my chair broke. I sit at my computer in my chair all the time and its gone and fucking broken, brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant. You may say “stop complaining Stuart, just go buy a new one” yes, my thoughts exactly, and it sounds like a good idea yes, but you are about to embark on the impossible journey of trying to find a decent chair, join me will you…?

Attempt 1: Morrisons – I got my last chair from Morrisons and they occasionally do furniture, they had them last time I checked which was at the weekend, I drive down there, they don’t have them. This was annoying yes but this quest hasn’t reached the point of ridiculousness yet my friends…

Attempt 2: PC world – would’ve expected better of these fucks. They do everything computer based, hardware, software but if you actually want to…y’know, fucking SIT at your computer NO FUCK OFF!!!! They used to do them, but now PC world’s gone downhill. It all started when they changed their slogan from “where in the world? PC world?” to the plain and rather boring “the best of both worlds”. Now all it does is hardware and overpriced games, while gamestation sells preowned games at 99p each, PC world sell you all the latest outdated trash for £39.99rrp, and they wonder why their sales are down recently. Take the fucking hint PC world, take the fucking hint…

Attempt 3: Homebase – there wasn’t a B and Q in close proximity so Homebase was the choice on offer. Homebase, its sort of like B and Q…only it is., yes its just B and Q with a different name. They had chairs yes, the cheapest was £82.99, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY’RE PLAYING AT?? IT’S A CHAIR NOT A FUCKING CURE FOR CANCER!!!

Attempt 4: Argos – £76.99!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD??!?!?

Attempt 5: Currys – they do all sorts in Currys, Computers, TVs, you’d think they’d do chairs for fucking computers but nooooo. They do all sorts of crap, toasters, fridges, kettles, vacuum cleaners BUT NOT FUCKING CHAIRS!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD??? Its such a random assortment of items, its like if there was a shop out there that sold mobile phones and cheese, if you don’t specify your market, people will think you’re shit.

Attempt 6: DFS – didn’t hold out much hope here, all they usually do is sofas. I wonder sometimes how DFS have held up through recession because everyone knows they always have a sale on on Boxing Day. So I just wonder how they get any customers the other 363/4 days in the year. “Oh we ought to get a new sofa, lets go to DFS” “nah, this one’ll be okay for a bit longer lets go boxing day”. And again, they are chairless.

Attempt 7: Toys R us – yes, I have sunk to a new low people. I was actually kind of hopeful for this one because last time I was looking something, Wil and I were looking for podcasting equipment which was £30 online. We looked in PC world and like with everything else they didn’t have, podcasting equipment was one of them. Emily suggests Toys R us, Wil says “ahh, they won’t have it” I say “ahh, they won’t have it” we looked aaaaaaaaand they had it….they didn’t have chairs though…

Attempt 8: Staples office supplies – Would’ve been the obvious choice wouldn’t it? It’s in the title: office supplies. And they did have chairs, yes, they had fucking chairs, I was in chair heaven. A massive section devoted to them. Loads of chairs lined up for sitting in. It was chair paradis-120 FUCKING POUNDS CHEAPEST??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

The chair odyssey that started today continues to this day…I know that doesn’t make sense; let’s just say it continues on until tomorrow at least.

Anyway, while as I go in search of the elusive cheap office chair, I leave you with a background to a few of the chairs I have enjoyed over the years.

NUMBER 1: “Ol’ Bluey” – This was my first one, back when I had a Windows 98, I remember that old thing. It wouldn’t turn on unless you held the on button for 9 seconds exactly, it was a blue moon and pigs happened to be flying across the horizon. Didn’t use it for the computer that much, used to sit on it and watch TV. Seat had this horrible blue material, but it was padded and comfy. Simple design, had this adjustable back thing which broke off eventually and it became a stool for a while before I finally got:-

NUMBER 2: “Proper Office chair mach 1” – Ahh, I remember when I got this, it was around the time I got my current computer. This was back when my computer wasn’t filled with viruses and wouldn’t CLOSE THE FUCKING INTERNET BEFORE I’VE HAD A CHANCE TO SAVE MY BLOG SO I HAVE TO WRITE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING AGAIN YOU MOTHERFUCKING C-um, anyway. Had armrests and padded leather seat, ahh it was so comfortable. Then the metal thing attaching the chair to the central column thingy broke off. My dad welded it back on but it didn’t last and so it went off to the magical land of Narnia. (AKA the dump)

NUMBER 3: “Collapsible garden chair” – temporary replacement for proper office chair mach 1, added some cushions to make it more comfortable.

NUMBER 4: “One with stupid fucking wheel problem” – This one may have been proper office chair mach 1 or not, I can’t remember. If this is the one I remember I had it for about 8 months before a wheel broke off and I had to try and reattach it with blu-tac and a fucklot of selotape. My computer desk was falling apart at the time as well, the keyboard bit had fallen off, so even more selotape was required (it’s the only way to fix things). My desk had to have everything in perfect alignment; I had to sit in a certain way and at a certain angle so it didn’t keel over. Eventually gave up and moved onto

NUMBER 5: “Return of collapsible garden chair” – again a replacement for one with stupid fucking wheel problem.

NUMBER 6: “Current one” – The central pillar thing that holds the chair up broke so now instead of staying in place when I pull the levery thing it just sits at the bottom. It was good for a while, rather like office chair mach 1.

So long for now, I gallantly ride on…on my own two feet, in search of the chair of destiny, so long…

SSHMFTOGCAW: The Earth Explodes Part 5: The Earth Explodes

The Earth Explodes Part 5: The Earth Explodes

How the fuck will this saga of pretentious bullshit end? Why are lizard people invading Earth? Who is the beast in space? Will Earth explode? Why did Stuart think a magic seal that had the power of teleportation was a good idea? Do you still actually care? Why is that title so generic? Who’s the one asking these questions? Will they actually all get answereed at any point?

Find out here on the final episode of Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment…

War – Burzum
Metroid Prime #1 – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Dark Agon Wastes – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Hive – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Baby – Justin Bieber
Into the Devestation – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Chozo Ruins 2 – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Time Bomb – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Metroid Prime 3 theme – Metroid Prime 3 Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Opeth – The Devil’s Orchard
The Beginning and the End – Anathema
Love Shack – Hugh Carpenter, Wil Carpenter, Stuart Hardy & the B52’s

Best Spam Comment EVER!

Okay, given this wordpress site is about the creative output of a massive snarky bell end, I don’t actually get that many comments, or death threats, or anything. So whenever I get the chance, I do look through my spam comments. They mostly offer me SEO services, very generally phrased compliments that say “awesome post, I really like the way you put one sentence after another, look at my username” and the username is a product they want me to buy and they’ve just posted for the clickthroughs. And some comments have really poor grammar of course which gets them filtered as spam, but I really was not prepared for what I think is the best spam comment anyone could ever have.
It was posted on my episode of Zone One Digest called “Digest the Year 2012”
By a thing that I haven’t clicked through to called “Burberry Canada”
It says the following

“I was totally down basic, being gigantic may not be enough of the attention getter witout a doubt, make these folks red having a yellow moose!!”

I’ve had it mounted. I want this comment to stay with me forever. I will totally allow Burberry Canada to leech advertising off my wordpress if this is their marketing strategy. I want to make folks red by having a yellow moose….I’ve no idea what that means, but I want it!

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Nudity and Cheese

Dowload this week’s best of Zone One Radio right here!



Hello internet! Zone One Digest is back with more of the best from Zone One Radio, the Mayor of London funded community radio station for Central London. This week:

#LondonGP host @Radio_Matthew talk to Captain Tony Harris of @Race2Recovery about the imminent  @dakarofficial the most gruelling motor race in the world. @LandRoverUKPR @z1radio

@_InGoodTaste @anjuldutt visit the Cave Au Fromage to learn about how Cheese should be kept and learn from @JuliaFrey2 how to make traditional Russian cheese fritters.

Also #LondonLife host @sillymrhawkins visit 100% Nude, a showing by @GuerillaGallery @DavidLibeskind space in islington, where people take a mature and artistic approach to people’s boobies, fannies, willies and bums.

All complaints can be directed to anyone except me. and

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: My Eyes 3: The Trilogy is Complete…For now

My Eyes 3: The Trilogy is Complete…For now
by Stuart Hardy on Sunday, 12 June 2011 at 10:19 ·

So, I had another operation on Monday, so I thought my blog could use another update. I’m becoming like Dreamworks pictures, I’m all about franchises now because I have no new ideas….god I need some new ideas.

Anyway, there’s less to say this time, its just I often find when I’m in my lower points, life has a way of throwing it in your face a bit more than it should. I forgot just how emasculating the whole operation experience was on my previous trip down “sticking shit in your arm with the beep beep in the background and suddenly you’re asleep and then you wake up aching like shit and needing the toilet” avenue. And this time it was worse.

Yes the gowns and shit make you feel like you ought to be doing a little courtesy for the doctors as they sit around looking cool as hell in their blue stuff, no, now Stuart you have to wear stockings…..yes this is true. “ooh pretty stockings and my pretty dress how lovely”

………………….uh, jesus

At least before I could pretend like my testicles were still firmly secure in their existence because I have “GRRR MANLY HAIRY LEGS!!!” but no, pretty tights, with fucking miniature holes in the toes for some reason, and its not like the hole you get in your socks, they’re actually purposefully made and so small that it would cut off the circulation if used for the purpose I assume they were designed for and put around your ankle, its fucking weird.

To make matters worse, I actually woke up in “post-apocalyptic looking decontamination chambery bit that looks like the hospital section out of half-life 2” Disorientated, and couldn’t remember why I was even there, almost wanted to ask the nurse “what of the outside world? Has it stopped raining turnips yet?” Oh the horror!!

I’m only writing this now because I’ve only just recovered from the traumatic memories of being wheeled down a corridor wondering why I can’t feel my legs. In another situation pretending to be a war victim now missing his legs would have been fun but with head banging and seriously needing a piss….not so much. I could pretend to be chomping on a cigar and making dreary monologues about how I’ll never play football with maboy again, instead it was deeply unnerving and uncomfortable.

Anyway, that’s all cap’n stuart crapeye has to say on the matter. Has it worked? Will my eyes cease to be shit?

Well hopefully. If not, I’m guessing my frilly little dress and stockings will get even more girly next time I have an operation. Maybe they’ll make me wear a bonnet and doily.