ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Digest the Year on ZoneOneRadio: 2012

Zone One Digest – Digest the Year on ZoneOneRadio: 2012Or you could have a listen to the full version complete with musical interludes on

Greetings Internet! Well, we’ve gone through the thousands and thousands of awesome shows Zone One Radio’s made in the last year, some good, some downright weird, and some that we can’t even remember making. Now, here it is, cuts from the first full year of the Mayor of London funded community radio station for Central London.

I dug out the fruits of our very first production training session, along with:

#LondonGP interview with Motorsport legend Damon Hill

#WorldwideRoutes set out on musical exploration with David Bailey MBE

A compilation of some of the most questionably tasteful bits from  #InGoodTaste

And to round off, the one, the only Mayor of London and former Starbucks barista for the day: Boris Johnson

Along with some other odds and ends.

Happy New Year and look forward to loads more great content coming your way in 2013! and

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: The Skins Drinking Game

by Stuart Hardy on Thursday, 17 February 2011 at 00:17

Since I’ve been watching skins its become obvious how the show works and so I’ve decided to construct the skins drinking game to make the obvious stereotypes and stupid repetitive blandness more bearable. This can be played with any episode in any season, I guarantee you will be drunk by the end of any episode at all.

And yes, I understand a lot of these are based on petty complaints, but my main problem with Skins is when you complain that it isn’t a realistic teen drama like its meant to be, people tell you “its not meant to be serious, its meant to be funny” then when I complain it isn’t entertaining or funny they say “well its meant to be a drama” ….seriously, this show doesn’t do either thing it tries to accomplish well. Everything in it has been done before and better.

So yes, one or more shot with everything you’d expect of skins, play it and see where you reach the point of total drunkenness…I’ve just played it and am making up words.

Just remember though, you don’t need to follow all the rules, that would kill you and your precious liver. Just pick a few and have fun!

  1. One shot every time someone says a random bit of slang, youth oriented or not, that no real person would ever say.
  2. One shot every time someone says some cringe-inducing bad dialogue.
  3. One shot when this bad dialogue is severely overacted.
  4. The whole bottle if you actually laugh at this or react in some way for the reason the writer intended.
  5. One shot every time there is a supposed “joke”.
  6. One shot every time this so called joke falls flat.
  7. Three shots if this so called joke works
  8. One shot in the instance of PEER PRESSURE!!!
  9. The whole bottle when someone refuses to give in to peer pressure like people actually do in real life at least sometimes.
  10. One shot every time we see that the main characters’ families are either broken or arseholes or insane or all three
  11. One shot every time we’re meant to feel sympathy for a character because of this.
  12. Whole bottle when the writer makes it clear a character’s problems have nothing to do with their parents being dicks and are based on the environment they’re in instead and is not the easiest most base explanation of a character’s flaws in emotional development.
  13. One shot when we see two characters have sex.
  14. One shot if we see two characters have sex for no real reason and we do not really get much emotional explanation as to why they fancy each other and is just crowbarred in for the sake of “teenagers just have sex a lot don’t they?”
  15. One shot if the two characters that have sex think they’re in love but can’t seem to stop focusing on how hot they find the other person.
  16. The whole bottle if any contraception is shown or said to have been used.
  17. Whole bottle in the instance of TEENAGE PREGNANCY! (….seriously, you’re a teen drama focusing on social issues and have people fucking without contraception left right and centre….WTF?)
  18. One shot whenever two characters have a conversation about who they find sexually attractive
  19. Two shots every time someone has a deep and meaningful conversation about love which does not solely focus on sexual attraction
  20. Three shots when a girlfriend and boyfriend are shown to be good friends as well as sexual partners.
  21. One shot if the bully is the protagonist of an episode
  22. One shot every time we’re meant to sympathise with said bully
  23. One shot every time the bully attempts to redeem themselves to collect sympathy from the audience or other characters.
  24. Down the whole bottle every time this technique actually works in the way the writer intended
  25. One shot every time a pop/R’N’B song is played
  26. One shot every time a song kids this age will not know is played and is bound to be a suggestion of one of the writers who was last a teenager in the 70’s. (example: Adam and the Ants….WTF????)
  27. One shot every time a drug is mentioned
  28. Two shots every time we see a character take a drug
  29. Three shots every time the consequences of taking said drugs is shown and is actually accurate according to what the pupported drug actually does.
  30. One shot for every time a teacher either overacts or acts more kindly to a student than they would be in real life
  31. One shot every time the word fuck is used more than once in a single scene
  32. Two shots every time the word fuck is used more than once in a sentence and it actually sounds natural and not mind-bogglingly forced.
  33.  One shot when someone says/does something that is supposed to be dramatic but doesn’t in the end either get resolved or add anything to the plot of the series at all and goes FUCKING NOWHERE (this happens at least three times in every episode, at the end of the series I’m always left thinking “where the fuck did that plot thread actually lead again?”).
  34. One shot every time someone hijacks a car for a joyride
  35. The whole bottle if they find they can’t actually drive because they have not passed their driving test or get stopped by the police like people actually do in real life.
  36. I would say one shot every time the comic relief character gets their penis out but it is impossible to absorb that much alcohol
  37. One shot every time someone does something totally out of character.
  38. One shot every time someone does something totally unrealistic or is revealed to posses a quality this character would not posses in real life be (e.g. Tony the sex-obsessed junkie who spends most of his time bullying Sid being smart)
  39. One shot every time someone says or does something hypocritical
  40. Down the whole bottle every time we see a fat person. (… we still believe this is realistic teen drama?)
  41. One shot every time someone is drunk
  42. Two shots every time someone throws up as a result of this.
  43. Down the whole bottle whenever we are actually shown the consequences of anyone’s actions at all.
  44. One shot whenever anyone sleeps round each other’s house (which happens a lot for some reason)
  45. One shot every time anyone wakes up in their own bed (happens at the start of some, but not all episodes)
  46. One shot every time someone cheats or is tempted to cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend.
  47. Whole bottle when they resist the temptation to cheat like some people actually do in real life (are you really falling for all these fucking cliches?)
  48. One shot whenever people go out all night
  49. Two shots whenever anyone has to catch up on sleep or is shown to be tired after having stayed out all night.
  50. One shot when anyone actually does their homework
  51. Two shots whenever an exam happens
  52. Three if anyone actually is seen revising for said exam
  53. One shot if anyone’s parents insult them in a stupid way
  54. One shot every time a kid insults their parents in a stupid way
  55. The whole bottle when a kid actually gets on with BOTH parents
  56. One shot every time a parent acts stupid/like a school kid
  57. One shot every time an underage kid is served alcohol at a bar
  58. Two shots every time anyone is asked for ID (believe it or not, you’re meant to do this, it happens to me and I look about 30 and….seriously, this is just middle aged parents going “kids these days have it so easy”)
  59. One shot when our characters show off their midriffs and its skinny and muscle bound
  60. Two shots whenever a character is actually shown to be working out
  61. One shot for every quick cutting montage
  62. One shot for every time someone is shown to be dancing
  63. Two shots for every time someone is shown to be dancing well
  64. One shot every time someone says something bitchy
  65. One shot every time someone says something bitchy based on absolutely nothing at all and makes no sense in the flow of dialogue
  66. One shot whenever an unknown actor is onscreen
  67. One shot every time we actually see anyone who is famous onscreen
  68. One shot when a character seems totally out of place in a scene (e.g. Rich the metalhead loner being at a massive party at the school)
  69. One shot when we see that a character’s personality does not fit in with the group of friends they are assigned to by the writers.
  70. One shot every time someone lies and the audience knows they are lying
  71. One shot every time someone tells the truth but is assumed to be lying
  72. Three shots whenever anyone actually does anything decent at all
  73. One shot whenever a male character is shown to have any chin based growth at all that he has not bothered to shave since he’s spent all week fucking and taking drugs
  74. Two shots when we see any girl shaving her legs or doing any of her beauty based routine of looking like the supermodel style people we see in skins
  75. One shot whenever someone has got hold of any sort of drug
  76. Two shots whenever we see anyone give these characters money for said drugs because believe it or not DRUGS ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE
  77. The whole bottle if we actually see that any of these characters working a mind-numbingly boring checkout job or something to pay for said drugs
  78. One shot every time you realise that the episode has reversed the roles of two best friends from where one was the immature lesser friend and now when he is not the main character is more assertive and authoritative than when he was in the previous position as protagonist (roles reversed in Rich and Alo episodes in series 5, only one example but this is most blatant)
  79. Down the whole bottle whenever a character remains the same character from one episode to the next
  80. One shot every time someone slaps someone
  81. Two shots every time someone punches someone
  82. Two shots if we actually see them have any bruising or blood because of either of these.
  83. One shot every time someone getting punched makes you pleased said character is suffering. Just kidding you’d be dead after that much booze.
  84. Down the whole bottle if you actually feel sorry for the character suffering
  85. Again another shot when the show decides it wants to make us hate this character then does a complete 360 degree turn to wanting to make us like the character either next episode or five minutes later (decide on your tone ffs!!).
  86. Down two more bottles every time this is done well
  87. All alcohol in the world if anything actually works in the way the writer intended.
  88. The whole bottle when the episode ends – a celebration!!!

…..yeah, call me snide all ya want, I’m just sick of people sticking up for this shit and saying, yeah its gone downhill but series 1 and 2 were good, Skins has always been a cheap teen drama like any other, least in my opinion.

SSHMFTOGCAW: The Earth Explodes Part 2: Into The Rectum

The Earth Explodes Part 2: …Into The Rectum

Kidnapped by government forces for what feels like the billionth time, Stuart, Wil, Hugh and newcomer Spam, find themselves launched into space to investigate why the moon is farting and shitting on Earth killing those beneath the path of its excrement. If you think that sounds stupid: it is.


Dark Torvus Bog – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Phazon Mines Entry – Metroid Prime Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Before the Battle – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack – Retro Studios
Let’s Get it On – Marvin Gaye
Also Sprach Zarathustra – Richard Strauss – 2001 a space odyssey soundtrack
Gygas Theme from Earthbound – Creatures Inc. (division of Nintendo)
Lunacy – Swans

VAULTS: BLOGS OF DOOM: Stuff you will need to unblock a severely clogged toilet

by Stuart Hardy on Thursday, 18 March 2010 at 01:04

1. several thousand hours of your precious fucking time
2. a toilet plunger (believe me, I’ve scoured hardware shops and the DIY places, I found one very small one, they are rarer than dodos)
3. a long wirey spring sort of thing used for cleaning pipes (not the furry things used for kids stuff and shit, big nasty heavy duty things that go “GRRR!!!”)
4. A coat hanger (for first attempt before you obtain long wirey thing and is about as useful as a teapot made out of human faeces that looks like a cadbury’s creme egg)
5. rubber gloves (essential, although the rubber should be longer and extend to shoulders in severe situations, otherwise the water gets in and your hands are still covered in soggy toilet paper)
6. a very strong stomach (preferably don’t eat for at least eleventy billion hours before attempting this or you’ll throw up and it gets even worse. I suggest ingesting some titanium to reinforce the walls of your stomach. Either that or eating someone’s heart to gain their courage or something, anything’s good)
7. or if you can’t find 6 (which I definitely couldn’t) sheer stubborn-ness and tightfistedness and fear where strange plumber people are concerned, this will also do)
8. buckets…lots and lots of buckets (one designated as piss bucket if you have to go during de-clogging….only kidding, just hold it in ya bastard)
9. bleach or any form of disinfectant
10. clothes with stuff on them or holes and stuff, that you don’t really care about and were gonna chuck away or give to a charity shop anyway but just never got round to it
11. lots of sponges and cloths and stuff to soak up the flood of water
12. a staff like has gandalf to hold back the tides, or being jesus so you can walk on water would be good too in this situation
13. the ability to not give up halfway through and go bash your head against a wall because it won’t fucking work, god why the hell won’t it work?
14. to not be too smug about it if you do unblock it otherwise karma determines that it will happen again immediately
15. a decontamination shower afterwards and severe mental counselling

Job Done!

I love how at the end of this video the narrator says “well done, you’ve been very brave” its so damn comforting I could cry in happiness

by the way mum and dad you are banned from commenting on this :p

SSHMFTOGCAW: The Earth Explodes Part 1: The Anus Opens…

The Earth Explodes Part 1: The Anus Opens…

Two months after Stuart handed the show over to Hugh, things went to shit. Hugh quit and that was that. But on New year’s Eve, Stuart, Wil, Hugh and a mysterious newcomer to the group known as Spam are down the pub when they’re suddenly arrested, and dark events set in motion over the new year festivities…


Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment Main Theme – Hugh Carpenter
Satellite 15 – Iron Maiden
Xibir – Dimmu Borgir
Gateways – Dimmu Borgir
Dirty Old Town – The Pogues
Deserted Base – Retro Studios – Metroid Prime 2 Soundtrack
Space – Metroid prime 1
The Eruption – Emperor

ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: A Very Vulgar Christmas


Merry Christmas and a Happy apocalypse to all who survived it. Assuming you can still read this, its Christmas tomorrow and you know what that means! More clips from people better at making radio shows than me!

As a special Christmas treat we have #LondonArts @Jenny_Runacre talking to author Sophie Parkin about her new book. Warning: Contains strong language and people being sick everywhere.

#InGoodTaste try and change your mind about that often misunderstood food: Offal and Lucy the @FoodGoblin1 talks to @Cattlegrid

#InTheZone introduce the world to a bizarre new sport: Chess Boxing

And #LondonGP talk to @radiolemans @raceofchampions in Thailand.

Merry Easter Christmas to all and a Happy Valentines Day New Year! and


ZoneOneRadio: Zone One Digest: Raging Bulls and Christmas Baubles

Zone One Digest is back with our very own Halloween Pre-Christmas special! Get excited, here’s some more of Zone One Radio’s astoundingly good content.

We look forward to that much anticipated day with:

#LondonLife taking a strange turn as tweed jacketed Ian Hawkins commentates on a boxing match.

#CommunityProfile visit the new Westminister volunteer centre and beats MP Karen Buck at Rock paper scissors.

#LondonArts Jenny Runacre, of mental Derek Jarman movies fame interviews writer and director of Shakespeare send up play The Shakespeare Conspiracy.

and #LondonGP report live from the red carpet at the Autosport awards ceremony and try to get people to talk to them…sorta and

HSHMFTOGCAW: The Earth Explodes Prologue: Hugh’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment

The Earth Explodes Prologue: Hugh’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment

Hugh’s taken over the show. Its his now, not mine, I’m done, I’m outta here, I’m gonna go eat biscuits and watch TV.

I Touch Myself – Divinyls
Love Shack – B52s
Secular Haze – Ghost


My eyes

by Stuart Hardy on Friday, 23 January 2009 at 21:21

Well, I just had a fun experience, I just went to the hospital, not because I dislocated my knee which I seem to do every 9 months or so, but because I was told I have a retina detaching….3 months ago, I was told this three fucking months ago. Now its 3 months down the line, I finally get the long delayed appointment and lo and behold: it’s fixed itself! HAHAHAHA!!! Y’know, I don’t approve of people advocating private health and all this “NHS is shit, lets close it” attitude that we’ve been seeing more of recently but……HAHAHAHA!!! Just fucking hilariously bad form there. Apparently a retina had detached or something, dunno the whole technical shit about it, but it sealed itself and is meant to have happened ages ago, and I did not notice, this really just shows how unobservant I am, and this fucking involved my observation anyway, how the hell did I not notice that I had a detached retina? Well it did take me about 2 months after it happened to find out that Isaac Hayes is dead, maybe I really am unobservant…………….what did I just say again?

Best thing about it was that they gave me these eye drops which made my pupils all massive and made it feel like I had no eyes. For a moment it was really, really unsettling, cos, I’m an avid horror film fan and am no stranger to seeing someone with eyes sliced out of their sockets…and now look at me. And I’m told to not touch my eyes for twenty minutes until it wears off, why does this always happen? If you want to touch something, apparently you’re not meant to, okay that sounded wrong, but back in context for a second. Saying don’t touch really doesn’t detract from my desire to do something, okay? My eyes have been removed from their sockets and I just wanna see if I poke it the eyelid sorta bends inward or something. I mean yeah, I can see, but WHERE THE FUCK DID MY FUCKING EYES GO??

Then when that calmed down, my vision went all blurry and I lost the ability to read, which was just fucking hilarious. It was like I’d become a white trash redneck, can’t even read a sign saying “PLEASE DO NOT ENTER” let alone the essay question I was meant to be doing for homework. Fucking hilarious, I was a hillbilly for about five hours, couldn’t read a thing, all I needed to go with that was eleven kids, no brain cells and scurvy, and then I’d be the real thing. There was that and this made me feel kinda high. I mean, I don’t take drugs, but its like my hand was waving around in front of my face in front of a paper background, fucking weird, couldn’t focus on anything. Might explain why I kicked a plant over thinking it was a small child, dunno what came over me there. I was like this for a few hours afterwards, it was really weird, like when I came close to things, my eyes started to bleed, kind of like when I saw Titanic, only slightly less EXCRUCIATING than that.

Anyway, that’s basically all I came on to say, don’t really know why I bothered, but anyway. My eyes are back to normal now, if I tried tyoping thisn while noet being abel too see the keyjboard thenn I might make evem more spwelling mistakes thant I usually do. Apparently I have to go back in 3 months for another checkup, so if its anything like this time, I should end up going back about…July…August, I’ll go with August. Great, exams on the way, knowing my luck, I’ll probably have a detatched retina for that. So my entire future pretty much depends on the hospital’s ability not to fuck up again…………………we’ll just wait and see how that turns out.

SSHMFTOGCAW: Teh Extra Bits: Episode 26: Jimmy Savile: Some Meaningless Thoughts

No stranger to controversial topics, here are a few meaningless thoughts on the mess uncovered by an ITV documentary and several hundred people that caused the world to be blind to something horrible…..happy magical fun times everybody!

No, there are no accusations or slander made, just some thoughts on the established accusation


Kunt and the Gang – Jimmy Savile and the Sexy Kids

Teh Extra Bits: Episode 26: Jimmy Savile: Some Meaningless Thoughts