Out of Context: Barney’s Great Adventure

Finally got round to starting video reviews. There are a few edit problems in this, but that’s because I’m too poor to afford better video editing software. This one’s alright but hopefully next one will be better.

Episode Fifty Two: Dreeeeeam, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dreeeeeeeam

In the dumbest experiment in the history of mankind, Stuart utilises a piece of technology stolen from the people that made Inception to let you record shit that happens inside your dreams. What resulted was half an hour’s worth of him talking to an imaginary seagull and beating up monsters with a toothpick. Also reviewing a bizarre Japanese Hentai that features tentacles that look like wangs destroying a city and raping people.

….enjoy!!!

MUSIC USED:
Sound effects stolen from freesound.org
Dream On – Ronnie James Dio
Love Shack – The B52’s
Audio from the Naked Lunch movie by David Cronenberg
Some free pipe music I found online
A Runaway Train – Alice Cooper
I’m only Sleeping – The Beatles
All I have to do is Dream – The Everly Brothers
Sleep this Away – Cancer Bats
Steven – Alice Cooper
Soundtrack from Legend of the Overfiend
Under the Bed – Alice Cooper
Frankinstein made a woman theme thing from this horror themes compilation I picked up for under a fiver
I’m so Tired – The Beatles
A Nightmare to Remember – Dream Theater

Episode Fifty One: Nice Idea, Fails in Practice: The Life and Times of Stuart Hardy

http://castracker.com/t.html?f=http%3A%2F%2Fstuartscrap.jellycast.com%2Ffiles%2Faudio%2FEpisode%252051%2520Nice%2520Idea%2520Fails%2520in%2520Practice%2520The%2520life%2520and%2520Time%2520of%2520Stuart%2520Hardy.mp3

A documentary maker independent to the show produces a history of the show alongside an interview with Stuart providing insight into the process of making the show.

…….just kidding, its a piss-take as always.

MUSIC USED:
These Days – Foo Fighters
Black Dog – Led Zeppelin
Theme from the gallery from Smart
Love Shack – The B52’s
Easy – Lionel Richie
Holmgard and Beyond – Turisas
I’m a Loser – The Beatles
War Ensemble – Slayer
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
Don’t Stop me now – Queen
Princes of the Universe – Queen
Eruption – Van Halen
Long Road out of Eden – The Eagles
Losing my Religion – R.E.M
Rock N Roll Nerd – Tim Minchin
D.J. – David Bowie

Golden Sun: Dark Dawn – When fans of rubbish J-RPGS from the early 2000’s have explody mental fits of passion and horror.

Golden Sun was first released in 2002. It was a small turn based RPG fantasy game with around five to six hours of play time. It featured four characters with ridiculous haircuts and massive blue eyes, though this factor is scaled back 1000% in comparison to other Japanese RPG games, along with the massive levels of angst contained in games like that, especially Final Fantasy. It saw them traversing the land of Weyard and using their neo-hippie powers of the supposed “elements”: Earth, Wind, Fire and Water….when people talk of elements in fantasy games they rarely talk of Iron, Cobalt, Magnesium or anything else on the periodic table. And it was AWESOME! And the sequel, which was always planned, Golden Sun was always going to be a two part story as these characters travel to the two lighthouses housing the power of two of the elements in one game and the other two in the much bigger (and better) sequel: Golden Sun: the lost Age. I loved its expansive Tolkienesque plot of airy fairy Dijin, monsters and stuff like that and how it was scaled back from usual fantasy fare to the point where people who don’t like Goblins, centaurs and troll s**t too much could really get into it. Think: the explorative aspects of Pokémon with less OCD inducing monster collecting and with a fairly well thought out plot and set of characters: that’s basically Golden Sun.

There was talk of a bigger 3D console game as, though fairly small and self-contained, Golden sun was a pretty decent idea with a cult following and massive potential. Though they decided it would be pretty easy to f**k up such a concept that seemed far more suited to a 2D overhead viewing “Lord of the Rings but not really” sort of story and so this idea was shelved. Eight years later right the f**k out of nowhere we get Golden Sun: Dark Dawn.

Now, I hadn’t really thought about Golden Sun for a while. Fun was had and I played through both games extensively as a teenager while listening to Linkin Park and claiming no one understood me even though all there was to understand was “I’m a teenager and this is what teenagers are like”. Fun was had, and I moved on. I let things be and Golden Sun now stands as a piece of nostalgia in the days where it was okay for me to play handheld consoles which still have the tendency to be thought of as “kid’s toys” even though the average age of the UK gamer is around 30 now. It’s now 2012 and me buying a DS just for a sequel to a game I was obsessed with for a while seems a bit weird….but f**k it, here we go: Golden Sun: Dark Dawn: first impressions.

The first Golden Sun started with our protagonist Isaac being woken up and told he has to run as boulders from the magical sanctum at the peak of the mountain they live beneath are falling and the town’s healers are trying to stop it destroying the town. It’s all exciting and he has to flee the town with childhood friend Garet and they discover this explosion boulders thingy was triggered by these bad blue guys working to unlock the secret of alchemy (just call it f**king magic) and are heading for the lighthouses to chuck the elemental stars in and unleash the full power of magic. Three years later upon a journey into the sanctum to discover more about the secrets of alchemy there’s an incident with the blue people again and Isaac and Garet journey to the lighthouses to stop them.

This Golden Sun starts with the children of Isaac and Garet (whose spouses are never present even though I severely was wondering which one of them would end up boning forth character Mia in the previous games and the fact they don’t immediately address this pressing issue is SEVERELY DISAPPOINTING and…..anyway) It starts with their children Matthew and Tyrll…just sort of milling around. And Tyrll uses these wings to fly around the forest and crashes into a cave and you have to go find him….you see the problem. Highly tense opening? Naw, we’ll just have a usual fantasy game opener that it only gets interesting in the second half of the game, we can’t have it get too exciting yet HAVE IT EXCITING SO I WANT TO PLAY IT!! I’m reminiscing about Golden Sun here, my mind of eight years ago has resurfaced. There’s no prologue to this, I admit after that opening of Golden sun it calmed down for a bit, but come on.

Anyway, this third game uses the touch screen in the SLIGHTEST of ways, that being: menu s**t that you could do in the last games quickly and easily with the click of a button, now you have to tap the screen extensively to do s**t, CHRIST HURRY UP!!! Yeah, you thought the fact you couldn’t skip through extensive dialogue (that despite my love of the game, really needed pruning shears) was annoying? How about multiple taps that take ages for you to realise you’re on a different menu? …oh yeah and you can drag to walk. And you can aim you psyenergy (hippie name for magic) with your stylus…yeah cause golden sun would be waaay more fun if you could aim the stuff that does it by itself.

Character design: its got waaaay waaaay too animeish. Never a fan of cel-shaded 3D (it was the only thing that annoyed me about Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker) this really bugged me. Golden Sun’s rich textures made it look harshly different to the J-RPGs you could easily compare it to. Now its strangely luminescent and just…if you can’t do it, don’t, that’s all I’m saying. The graphics of Golden Sun were incredible. Faces were always their problem and making it sort of hazy graphics to hide the really stupid details from the eyes were good, I just wish they were more so.

Anyway, general control is basically the same, same menus, same battle technique, same thing with the Dijin with less inspired names because they already did seventy two in the last two games and naming s**t is hard. Same in field psyenergy, similar monsters….basically Golden Sun has become like Pokemon, a series of games similar to the last batch with similar premises that get increasingly less inspired with every story (as yes it does get fairly reminiscent of the originals).

Plot-wise and how it follows on from the originals is a bit of a mixed question. Hardly surprising that Camelot decided that since this is the same world and in the last one they kind of said “this is the world, the complete world and you can explore it now” when it came time for the sequel they clearly realised that it would just be Golden Sun: The Lost age again with different characters. So they set it thirty years later and set about f**king up the geography and making me ask whether Bilibin, Vale, Kolima and all the other cities from the last two games got destroyed in a fire or something….seriously, geographical continuity, you seem to focus on it so much plotwise, well think of some excuses for this mind-boggling bit of bizzarity, please.

It was only a few hours before I realised I didn’t need to play this game anymore and turned it off wasting Gamestation’s time and money in my returning of both console and game…was I taking the piss? Probably.

Y’see, the creators of Golden Sun are very old fashioned. It’s not a problem, it makes them much better storytellers than say the people that “wrote” Gears of War and Halo, but the makers of Golden Sun see video games as “software” instead of “stories”. The new one will just be a retread of the old because the old was made for an outdated system with cheaper looking graphics. And since video games stop being produced for the console years afterwards when a successor to the console has been released, there are no second editions of playstation games, re-releases on newer console only occur  if the game is horrendously popular. This was the thinking behind every new Zelda or Mario game being a basic retread of the same plot and control style as the original, because this classic won’t be around in the future, when Super Mario version 2.0 comes out. So they remake it every time for new audiences. This would be fine if games weren’t actually art and you could just market them as kid’s toys and kid’s won’t want toys when grown-up. And Golden Sun and DS games are still seen as kid’s things. The stigma of video games being for children is still attached to handheld gaming and so it kind of makes sense for the new Golden Sun game to be patronisingly just a retread of the original. It’ll make some new kids fans, maybe they’ll love it like I loved the originals, maybe they’ll go back and discover the originals for the modern classics they are. But the point is that I didn’t need to play it and if you played the first two, neither do you.

Apologies for wasting your time.

……………….okay thinking about it Isaac and Garet might be a gay couple and used a turkey baster to get Mia pregnant and….this isn’t important.

 

Image found at: http://videogame-junkies.com/home/spanish/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Golden-Sun-Dark-Dawn.jpg

Wil and Stu’s RantCast: Random 90 minute block of variety ridden burst of audio

Download it here

In this special precursor to…any new shows we happen to do. Stuart shows up at Wil’s place in Chester randomly one evening and the two record a feature with Wil’s slightly drunk housemate James Bowen. Topics include the following:
Wil’s nostalgia trip into Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3
Scott Snyder’s run of Swamp Thing
Rayman Origins
Best Cartoons you’ve ever watched
Gnarliest porns you’ve ever watched
Most messed up films you’ve ever watched
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in 3D
The cancellation of Skins
And Wil reciting the lyrics to the song “Stupid Hoe” by Nicki Minaj.Wil and Stu’s RantCast: Random 90 minute block of variety ridden burst of audio

Episode Fifty: The Clusterfuck it’s all Been Leading To

To Celebrate 50 episodes and 2 years of the show: I decided to go full out with a massive long epic quest/adventures type thing. With cheesy forth wall jokes, bastardised impressions and horrific amounts of bile abundant. Enjoy.

EPISODE 50: THE CLUSTERFUCK THIS HAS ALL BEEN LEADING TO

PART 1: THINGS COME FULL CIRCLE

Download Part 1

After being kidnapped at the end of Episode 49, Stuart finds himself subject to the government’s wishes to sort out Hugh’s insanity.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com.
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
The Monolith on the Moon – 2001: A Space Odyssey Soundtrack
The Theme from The Terminator
Doctor who 2010 Theme
David Bowie – The Width of a Circle

EPISODE 50: PART 2: MILLENIUM OF THE BLIND

Ominous shit happens as Stuart and Hugh are left trying to convince the world of its destruction and Steven Soderberg makes a movie to discredit them.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
Theme from Phantasm
The Strangeloves – Candy
Barry Mcguire – Eve of Destruction
Star Wars Soundtrack – Empire March
Rush – A Passage to Bangkok
Megadeth – Millenium of the Blind

EPISODE 50: PART 3: THE COMING OF THE GREEN

Download Part 3

Aliens have arrived, the world is doomed. Hugh recruits Stuart to an alite group fighting the war against the aliens. Shit, pain and death happen as a result.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
Ministry – N.W.O
Skindred – Warning (Live at Download 2011)
The Village people – In The Navy
Katrina and the Waves – Walkin’ on Sunshine
The Theme from Dark Star
Kool & the Gang – Celebration
Turisas – Holmgard and Beyond
Tool – Eulogy

EPISODE 50: PART 4: ELECTRIC JESUS

Download Part 4

Wandering in the wilderness, Stuart finds himself subject to the Lord almighty.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
Nine Inch Nails – Help me I am in Hell
Cavalera Conspiracy – Warlord
Theme from Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Ministry – Stigmata

EPISODE 50: PART 5: IS THIS THE END FOR STUART HARDY?

The thrilling conclusion to this overlong retarded storyline that made no fucking sense.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
Megadeth – How the Story Ends
Theme from Dracula
Audio from “The Twin Dilemma”
Machine Head – Pearls Before the Swine
Crystal Method – Name of the Game
The Beatles – The End
Machine Head – Who We Are
The Beatles – Her Majesty

TEH EXTRA BITS EPISODE NINETEEN: OUTTAKES FROM THE RECORDING OF EPISODE 50

Download Outtakes

Obviously when making something massively long and epically stupid, people either adlib or say stuff wrong

*insert Benny Hill theme here*

TEH EXTRA BITS EPISODE TWENTY: THE CLUSTERFUCK THIS HAS ALL BEEN LEADING TO: OMNIBUS EDITION

COMPILATION OF THE FIVE PART EPIC

Yeah, this is probably the closest you’re getting to a “Stuart’s Super Happy Magical Fun Time of General Confusion and Wonderment: The Movie” …in audio form obviously…that would just be weird if we went video just for this one crazy event. Definitely seems to flow well like a movie with most of the linking music cut down for those of you that just want the plot without the music breaks. Anyway, so if you just want the action, here’s the full cut.

MUSIC USED:

Sound effects from freesound.com.
Eric Chevalier – Soundtrack from Rayman 2
The Monolith on the Moon – 2001: A Space Odyssey Soundtrack
The Theme from The Terminator
Barry Mcguire – Eve of Destruction
Star Wars Soundtrack – Empire March
A Passage to Bangkok
Ministry – N.W.O
Skindred – Warning (Live at Download 2011)
The Village people – In The Navy
Katrina and the Waves – Walkin’ on Sunshine
The Theme from Dark Star
Kool & the Gang – Celebration
Turisas – Holmgard and Beyond
Nine Inch Nails – Help me I am in Hell
Cavalera Conspiracy – Warlord
Theme from Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Theme from Dracula
Audio from “The Twin Dilemma”
Machine Head – Pearls Before the Swine
Crystal Method – Name of the Game
The Beatles – The End

Teh Extra Bits Episode Seventeen: The Sonisphere 2012 Cancellation Rant

Download it here

…again, title says it all really.

Sonisphere 2012 was cancelled. We’re going to try and delve into the reasons why and look at some of the bands announced.

FUUUUCK!!

Music used – Billion Dollar Babies – Alice Cooper